The Loin, the Beep and the Wackjob
by KellySquared
Summary: Exactly the movie except not at all. Random additions to lines and stuff that really don't make sense. Oh well, we love it and that's all that matters. Review and tell us how psychotic we are! Yay!
1. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the _Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe_. No, I don't own it no matter how much I may wish so. Now in order to get into the mindset of things, realize that my friend and I wrote this making fun of the movie because we love it way too much. That's what we do; take the piss out of things we like. With that said, enjoy!

Chapter 1: The Blitz 

It was a dark and cloudy night over Great Britain. Descending from the clouds, quite suddenly, were German planes. There were a fair number of these planes, all of them ready to drop bombs onto the helpless people below.

On one of these planes, the pilot was getting a bit frustrated with the two people who were to drop the bombs onto England. "Yes, we're there, alright, stop asking me and get ready," he said in German.

The two men had been ready for the past five milliseconds. One was getting increasingly impatient. "Come on, man," he complained to the pilot, "I wanna cause some explosions, man, let's drop these things already."

"Wait for it," said the pilot.

"Hurry up."

"Wait for it."

"This is taking forever."

"Wait for it."

"Teletubbies are colorful," said the third man in the plane.

"O…kay…"

"Now!" shouted the pilot.

"Boo-yah!" And the bombs were dropped.

Meanwhile, down below, Edmund Pevensie was looking out of his window, whilst the bombing was commencing.

"Edmund! Get away from there!" yelled his mother, Helen. She called for her eldest child before turning back to Edmund. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Well, there was this really pretty girl in the house next door and when I looked out the window, she had just dropped her towel and – " Edmund stopped talking once he realized that his mother wasn't paying attention to him, but instead was ordering Peter to take him to the shelter.

"Come on!" Peter cried, running for the door and pulling Edmund with him.

"Wait…" Ed wanted just one more glimpse…

"Come on, leave it!"

Susan was currently upstairs, trying to get Lucy to come to the shelter. "Lucy, come on!"

"I don't wanna," whined Lucy.

"Come on, now"

"I don't wanna."

"Barney died."

"Good."

"Damn!"

"Will you make me a sandwich?"

Susan gave in. "Oh, alright. Now come on!"

As all five Pevensies ran out into the bomb shelter, Edmund realized that they had forgotten something.

"Wait! Dally!"

"Ed!" cried Peter, running into the house after him. "I'll get him!" he called over his shoulder

"Peter, come back!" screamed Helen.

"Ed! Come here!"

They ran back into Edmund's room and Edmund grabbed a hot pink sock with orange and red stripes on it.

"Edmund!" Peter shouted. "Get down!" The window behind them shattered in an explosion that occurred just outside. "Come on, you idiot, run!" Peter yelled, running for the door again and pulling his brother with him. "Get out!"

They ran outside and sprinted for the bomb shelter as the planes flew overhead. Helen grabbed for Edmund and pulled him inside.

Peter glared down at his brother, who was lying on the bed in front of him. Why can't you think of anyone but yourself? You're so selfish! You could've gotten us killed!"

"Stop it!" said Helen, turning back to Edmund, who was sobbing on the cot.

Edmund looked up at Peter. "I wasn't just thinking about myself, I was thinking about Dally. And now he's dead!" Edmund sobbed harder, tears running down his face as he looked at the sock in his hand.

Peter stared. "Why can't you just do as you're told?" he asked, before turning around and closing the door.

_**A/N:** I was watching the movie for the bazillionth time and was thinking, "So why exactly was Ed looking out of a window during a bombing when everyone was supposed to keep their curtains closed?" Thus this chapter was born. Oh, and the Dally the sock thing came from "Blarg," from the first chapter intermission: _The elf named Dalamar turned into a sock and died. _As to the actual sock that Ed was holding, I actually do have a pair of socks like that; only their names are Mike and John, not Dally. In fact, I'm wearing them as I'm typing this, for inspiration, and also because I'm cold, and they're warm and fuzzy. Yeah, um, anyway…reviews are greatly appreciated, as they'll let me know if this is any good at all._


	2. The Station

_A/N: The authoresses Kelly and Kelly here do so dedicate the following chapter to three amazing people: Black Moon White Sun, pinkpenguin363 and marieken, our first reviewers ever! We're glad you like it so far! Remember, it's going through the whole movie, so hopefully we'll have the entire thing up for you guys eventually!_

_As for Jediman…we aren't sure whether you like this or hate this. Frankly, we can't tell. But we can assure you that you don't have to write this for us; apparently, people besides ourselves do find this funny, so it doesn't necessarily need to be changed. Thanks for reviewing anyways, and may you find this chapter a little better!_

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the _Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe_, or the scenes from _The Producers _and _Monty Python's Flying Circus_. I do, however, own the thing that Peter was staring at. If you want to know what it is, then read it already!

Chapter 2: The Station 

The five Pevensies went out to the train station so that the four children could be sent to the country. Over the intercom, the announcer was stating, "All passengers getting on the train in Platform 4 to go to the moon must complete a five-hour chicken dance routine."

The Pevensies were paying no attention to this announcement, or indeed to anything else going on around them. Helen was busy pinning a label onto Lucy's jacket, saying as she did so, "You need to keep this on, darling. All right?" Lucy looked up at her mother. "You warm enough?" Lucy nodded. Helen smiled. "Good girl."

Edmund was looking at a poster that was advertising llamas, not noticing a child next to him catching a mongoose in his mouth and dropping it continually at his aunt's third cousin's feet. Edmund frowned at the poster before turning back to his family. "If Dad were here he wouldn't make us go."

Peter turned to him. "If Dad were here it'd mean the war was over and we wouldn't have to go."

Helen looked up at her youngest son. "You will listen to your brother won't you Edmund?" She got up and put her arms around him and tried to strangle him, but Edmund pulled out of the way. Helen pecked the top of his head, and then turned to Peter, pulling him into a hug. "Promise me you'll look after the others," she said.

Peter closed his eyes. "I will, Mum," he murmured into Helen's shoulder.

Helen pulled away from her eldest and looked into his face. "Good man," she said, and turned to Susan as the announcer said to make like a totem pole and stack bird-like visages of your ancestors on your head.

"Susan," said Helen as she embraced her daughter. "Be a big girl." She pulled away and took a last look at them all as a woman behind her was chastising her daughter for forgetting to vacuum the trees. "All right. Off you go," said Helen, smiling.

The four children started to head for the train, ignoring a man screaming for his blue blanket that was rushing past them. Edmund led the way into a crowd of people who were checking the passengers' tickets and labels. "Hey, get off!" he cried at them. "I know how to get on a train by myself. Get off me!"

Peter, who was looking at the people who were getting on the train next to theirs and was startled to see a giant cow head with a blue nose sprout wings and fly upwards, where it crashed into the ceiling and exploded. Peter was so busy staring at this that he didn't notice the woman who was collecting tickets trying to talk to him.

"May I have your cheese, please?" The woman noticed that Peter was not listening to her, so she tried raising her voice. "Cheese, please."

Susan grabbed Peter's tickets from him. "Peter – wait, what?" she asked, turning back to the woman.

"I said tickets. Give me your cheese-flavored pieces of paper. NOW!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing…GIVE ME YOUR TICKETS!!!"

"All right, all right! Here!"

"Excellent," said the ticket woman, smacking her lips together and grinning maniacally. "On you go."

Susan stared at her, wide-eyed. "Yes, thank you," she said awkwardly.

Lucy, walking past the crowd while holding Peter's spleen, tried to go back through. Peter, noticing this, bent down to talk to her. "Come on, Lucy," he said. "We have to stick together now." Lucy started to cry. Peter smiled at her. "Everything's gonna be all right. It's gonna be fine." Peter stood up and pulled Lucy over to the other two siblings and past a lumberjack who was okay sleeping all night and working all day.

The four children boarded the train, and stuck their heads out of the window to get one last glimpse of their mother. They saw her and frantically blew raspberries at her.

Going into their compartment, they saw that they had to share a seat with two pairs of giant toenail clippers. Peter put his and Lucy's luggage in the luggage racks, and went to do the same with Edmund's. Edmund jerked his bag away and shoved it into the rack himself. The bag hit Peter on its way up, knocking him out. He fell to the floor, his head in the doorway. Susan closed the door on her brother's head.

The toenail clippers got off at the nearest Starbucks, which was five feet from the station. One of the clippers went into that one, while the other went into the Starbucks across the street.

_A/N: Ha, that last part makes me laugh. Yeah, seriously, I have a stuffed blue-nosed cow hanging over the fireplace in my living room. Wow, so many things are giving me inspiration!_

_A/N 2: And I'm the other author of this, and it's really sad that I just read this and started bursting out laughing. How pathetic is that? But geez, you have to admit the randomness is hilarious! (Well, at least I think so…but then again I helped come up with this so I should find it funny…ah well, just ignore me…I'm insane!...I like ellipsis!...) _

_P.S. A thanks goes out to our friend Steve for coming up with the totem pole line…I LOVE that one so much!!! Definitely my favorite line of this chapter!_


	3. Mrs Macready

Chapter 3: Mrs. Macready 

_A/N: We would like to personally apologize to Jediman for misinterpreting your review. We are sorry that we were mean, and as lame as it is, we dedicate this chapter to you!_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything you recognize from The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, or Zell from Final Fantasy VIII.

Edmund looked up at the sign in the tiny station that the train dropped the four children off at before heading off to Pluto, which had finally been acknowledged as a planet. "Does that say 'Comb Halt'?" he asked.

"No, it says 'Coomb Halt,'" answered Peter.

"Well, I better brush my hair then."

"Wow, Ed, you really suck at punning."

"Punning isn't a word, Pete."

"Yes it is!"

"No it isn't!"

"Yes it is, the Spell Check on this computer isn't saying that it's wrong, now is it?"

"Shut up!"

Just then, the four children heard something coming down the road, so they ran down the steps to see what it was. It was a flying dolphin herd, whistling merrily and jumping and twirling through the air. The children just stared as it sped past them.

"O…kay…" commented Peter.

Susan looked back down the road. "The professor knew we were coming."

Edmund looked down at the label pinned to his jacket. "Perhaps we've been incorrectly labeled," he mused.

Lucy looked at her own label. "Yeah," she said, "mine says that my name is Booger Hamstertush."

Peter looked down at her. "Long story, Lu. Just go with it."

Suddenly, another sound echoed down the road. They looked up anxiously and saw that it was a horse-drawn carriage…without the horse. It was going awfully slow, since the momentum of the hill it was coasting down upon was leveling out. Riding it was a stern looking woman with a pineapple on her head and wearing star-shaped sunglasses. The carriage scraped to a halt in front of the children. Peter glanced up at the woman. "Mrs. Macready?" he asked timidly.

The woman gazed down at him. "I'm afraid so," she said. She took in the children's appearances appraisingly. "Is this it, then? Haven't you brought anything else?"

"Yes, ma'am, but a teenager with a blond mohawk and a tattoo on the side of his face came into our compartment and ate must of our luggage."

"Small favors," said Mrs. Macready. "Now, I had a hill to use on the way down here, but I don't have a horse. You'll have to hook up to the harness. Come on!"

Peter looked at his siblings, then back to Mrs. Macready. "Um…"

"COME ON!" shouted Mrs. Macready, cracking the whip over their heads.

After several grueling hours, the four children managed to pull the cart all the way up to the professor's house.

Mrs. Macready took them inside, where they stared in awe at what seemed to be the professor's passion: sheep. Everywhere they looked, there were sheep. Paintings, sculptures, rugs, engravings; everything had at least one sheep on it. They were so enraptured that they barely registered what their guide was saying.

"Professor Kirke is not accustomed to havin' children in this house. And, as such, there are a few rules we need to follow. There will be no shoutin'," she continued, turning back to the group while continuing upstairs. "Or runnin'. No improper use of the toilet seats." Susan reached out to touch one of the sheep on the first landing. Mrs. Macready saw this and shouted, "No touching of the fluffy stuffed animals!" Peter and Edmund looked at each other and snickered.

Mrs. Macready motioned to the door behind her. "And above all, there shall be no disturbin' of the professor." She continued to lead them onward into the house. Lucy was so busy wondering why their guide hated the letter G so much that she didn't even notice the karaoke going on behind the closed door.

_A/N: Bit of an abrupt ending…but oh well. This chapter wasn't one of the better ones, but it works. The next chapter is not as short, and as soon as we edit it some to make it more funny, we'll put it up and see what you think! As for this one, any reviews are appreciated. Thanks again to everyone who's reviewed so far! Go Black Moon White Sun, pinkpenguin363, marieken and Jediman!! Keep it up guys!! _


	4. The Bedroom

_A/N: Yeah, bit of a while to update, holidays and all that, I got like four movies and bought another one (YAY ADVENT CHILDREN! POINTLESS VIOLENCE RULZ!) with my Christmas money, so I didn't really find time to post this…hopefully it was worth the wait! Review and tell us what you think!_

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe_, nor do I own any of the songs from the soundtrack (which I love but had to make fun of).

**Chapter 4: The Bedroom**

_It couldn't be…anymore…beautiful…It couldn't be…_

Susan got up and quickly changed the radio channel.

_I am a magnet for all kinds of deep wonderment…I am a wunderkind…_

The station was changed again.

_The earth was frozen…Ice upon the water…All at once you saw her…_

Susan scoffed and turned the radio off in disgust. "Honestly, who would want to listen to any of that garbage?" she wondered aloud. She and Peter walked over to their younger sister's bed.

Lucy looked up at them. "The sheets feel scratchy," she said softly.

Peter smiled and pulled back her covers. "No they don – Oh look!" Red ants were crawling all over Lucy's legs.

Susan tucked her sister in again. "Don't worry about it, Lu. We'll be home soon."

"Yeah, if home's still there," muttered Edmund, entering the room wearing nothing but a pair of pink floral silk boxers.

Susan looked over at him. "Isn't it time you were in bed?"

"Yeah, but it's gone! It's bloody disappeared!"

"Well, go sleep in the doghouse, then."

"Fine, I will!" Edmund stomped out of the room.

Peter shook his head and looked back at Lucy. "You saw outside," he said. "This place is puny! We can do whatever we want here. Tomorrow's going to be great. Unless of course it rains, because then we won't be able to go outside or we'll melt."

Susan stared incredulously at her brother. "But Peter, we won't really melt – "

"Yes we will! Now go to bed!" yelled Peter, his eye twitching. Susan backed away slowly.

_A/N: ABNORMALLY short, I know, but the next one will hopefully be abnormally long enough to make up for it. ;P_

_Happy New Year everyone!_

_A/N: From the other Kelly, I'd just like to point out the dig on people who listen to the Chronicles of Narnia soundtrack, which is what those songs in the beginning are from. It's kind of funny, because we're pretty much making fun of ourselves! I LOVE the soundtrack!!! Haha...I find it amusing. Review as always!  
_


	5. The Next Morning

_A/N: For this next chapter, I suggest visualizing the movie to understand what's going on. Or you could not, I suppose it doesn't matter. It's just that it's funnier when you see it...oh I don't know. Do whatever you want. _

Disclaimer: Chronicles of Narnia, Spaceballs, the song Banana Phone and Winnie the Pooh

Chapter 5: The Next Morning

Lucy looked outside the window at the buckets of rain falling outside. Each time one hit the ground, there was a very loud clanging noise, which made it harder to hear things inside.

Susan was attempting to quiz Peter on word origins. She struggled with the next word: "Yowazzupindahousehomiesfoshizznit."

Peter looked over at the book in shock. "Is that even English?" he asked, puzzled.

"I dunno," replied Susan. "The book says that the creator of the word committed suicide and never said if it was English or not."

Edmund came out from under the chair where he had been playing with his Dark Helmet and Lonestar dolls. "Is it suicidal for 'best game ever invented'?"

Lucy, bored, came up to where Peter was. "We could play hide and seek," she suggested.

Edmund dropped Barf. "NO! I LOVE THIS GAME!"

Peter rolled his eyes. "But we're already having so much fungus is mushrooms."

Lucy grabbed Peter's arm. "Come on, Peter, please? Pretty please?" She scrunched up her face. "Look, I'm scrunching up my face! Play with me or I'LL HACK OUT YOUR BRAINS AND EAT THEM WITH CORNPUFFS!"

"One, two," said Peter hurriedly, "three…" He continued to count as his siblings ran off in different directions, looking for places to hide, while the song _Banana Phone _began to play in the background.

Lucy ran out of the room and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and you can skip this you know and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and if you're still reading this part you need therapy and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and I love copying and pasting and down the stairs and up the stairs and what you expected me to type all of this and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and nearly done now and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and I think and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and apparently not and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and last one and down the stairs and up the stairs.

Meanwhile, Edmund had gone in a completely different direction, thinking to himself, _Where am I going? Who am I? What's my purpose in life?_ He looked under a chest. _Can I fit down there? Can I eat these curtains? What's for dinner tonight? Oh fire! _He ran out of the room.

"…twenty-four, twenty-five, chicken, twenty-six…"

Susan was in a state of panic, muttering fiercely to herself. "Gotta run, gotta run, gotta run! Ah, Peter is a bomb! RUN! Look! A treasure chest! Wonder if there's any gold inside…no, doesn't appear to be – oh, crap! I'm stuck in here! Oh no! I'm scared of the dark! Ahhh, wood and fish sticks."

Lucy and Edmund ran up two different staircases into the same room, each shouting, "YAY! STAIRS!" They both made for the curtain covered with Winnie the Pooh characters. Edmund got there first. "I got here first!" he cried.

Lucy's eyes widened. "Yes, Edmund," she said slowly. "You did. A strange force is drawing me away to where those unicorns are dancing."

Edmund stared at her. "Lu, did you take your meds this morning?"

"Of course I did, Edmund. I always take my meds."

"Umm…well, go hide. Peter is coming to – "

"To dance with the unicorns?"

"Well…no, he's coming to find you – "

"With a knife?"

"No…he's playing – "

"With himself?"

"No! Just go hide and he'll come find you!"

"Okay, Edmund. I understand." Lucy ran off, laughing maniacally.

_A/N: Major props to Kelly (aka Raven Wolfmoon) for helping me with this chapter. She came up with like half the ideas. Go her!!!!_

_A/N 2: Yeah, go me. And reviewing is always good! We have another chapter ready to go soon!  
_


	6. Mr Tumnus

_A/N: Yeah, so the really long italicized paragraph coming up…well, Other Kelly (Raven Wolfmoon) felt like typing a little bit of the story since I'm pathetically slow at it, and she was listening to my ipod at the time so she started typing lots of randomness and I convinced her to keep it in…Be warned, we like Final Fantasy music…_

**Disclaimer: **We don't own Chronicles of Narnia, the Banana Phone song, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Mad-Libs, Star Wars, Disney and all the songs included therein…

Chapter 6: Mr. Tumnus 

With _Banana Phone_ still playing in the background, Lucy continued to try and hide from the giant glass of mango juice…er, Peter. She found a door and tried to open it.

"This door's locked…Oh look, here's another one. It's locked too. And this one's locked, too. And this one._ And_ this one. And this other one. Oh, and this one too. Why the bloody hell are all the doors locked?" she cried in frustration, not noticing that she had been trying to open the same door over and over again. Suddenly, she stopped abruptly.

"A strange force is drawing me to this other door fashioned with penguins and glitter and is painted black and is an oompa loompa," she muttered, going to it and opening it. _Banana Phone _immediately stopped playing as she entered a room with a large thingy under a giant purple sheet with orange spots.

Lucy stared at it, pondering.

"Hmm. The coolio music stopped playing when I opened the door and stared at this sheet—oh, wait, it started again. This music's mysterious and foreboding, as if it's foreboding something mysterious…"

Just then, a fly with no real purpose in the film came through the window, landed on the sill and exploded. No real point in this story either, now that we think about it...

Lucy walked up to the sheet and pulled it back ever so dramatically. With a great quacking of ducks, the sheet landed on the floor as Lucy smiled widely at a large, carved wardrobe, a strange glint in her eye. The glint died with her smile as she continued to watch it and it didn't do anything. Suddenly, acting on impulse, she reached out a hand and opened the wardrobe door.

"Oh look, frosting!" she exclaimed as mothballs rolled out and onto the floor with a clatter that no one looked up to see what was the matter. Not even Santa himself cared. (_A/N: Hey, it was almost Christmas when we wrote this_!) Lucy ignored it as well as she peered inside.

"…75, potatoes, 76, 77, 78, cows, 79, 80…" came Peter's voice.

With a furtive glance over her shoulder, Lucy turned and fled into the wardrobe, leaving the door open a crack because the moral of _The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe _is to never lock yourself in a wardrobe. Smiling oddly to herself for her own cleverness at knowing such an important lesson, she backed up slowly to conceal herself even further in the darkness. Unfortunately, the wardrobe seemed to extend indefinitely, and as such, many thoughts went through her head as she attempted to hide.

_Brother, my brother, eat my brains please I love them so. They make me intelligent and happified and oh look! A turnip! I do love turnips. And dreams within. The stars are crying a tear you know, someone should clean that up. It's making puddles and drowning poor little duckies. I love duckies too. They're squeezy and yellow and cute and probably should start writing sane things now…oh wait…well, more sane things than that bloody stuff! We tremble and spin, suspended withinnnnnnnnn Free…the dream within, the voice is calling a song damn you a prayer, from deep inside you to guide you the dream within, the fithos lusec wecos vinosec by the way. Just a little heads up there. Watch out Squally-Squall!! I love ya man. You're sexy with your scar. Whatever…more Latin and more Latin and woot! I smell like duckies! Oh wait, that's not duckies! That's duct tape! Nooooooooooooo be happy credits! Yayness! I am Cloud, fear me sexy bitches. Aerith was my bitch, but then she died and I bought a new one named Tifa. She's pretty kick ass, my type of babe, let me tell you. Just shut off the damn Aerith music! I've moved on! Can't you see that? That's the last bloody line of the movie! I got a new life now, just quit it! Nooooo no it's bloody not Cloud's theme! I should effin know! I hate your headphones. They suck. UNWRITTEN BITCH. _**Don't ask. Just slowly walk away.**

Lucy continued walking backwards, until 74 hours later she felt a snow-covered branch. She turned around…and found herself in a forest in the middle of winter.

"Wow, it's like a giant wedding cake except not at all," she observed, walking even further into the woods and looking back on occasion to make sure that she could still smell the wardrobe. She walked up to what looked like a giant flashlight. She placed her hand on it, wondering where in Jupiter it could have come from, when she heard it. There was a rustling noise behind her, as well as a rising crescendo of Star Wars music. She turned around, but she couldn't see anything, until the thing jumped out in front of her as the music reached its final extremely loud note and stopped. They both screamed and hid, her behind the flashlight and it behind the nearest tree, scattering its mad-lib booklets everywhere.

Lucy peeked out from behind the flashlight. Seeing that nothing was happening, she sent her stunt double out to make sure that it wasn't Captain Hook. Once she was certain, she magically replaced herself and continued to move forward. She saw the thing that she was hiding from.

It was an incredibly sexy man, only he didn't seem to be quite a man, as he had megaphones sticking out of his head. He was still hiding behind the tree, as if he was afraid of her.

Lucy bent down to pick up one of the mad-libs.

"Were you hiding from me?" she asked.

The man came out from behind the tree, showing off his goat legs.

"Actually, there's a werewolf behind you," he answered.

Lucy's face lit up.

"Really? Where?" she said excitingly, whipping around.

"Ha ha, got you," he laughed, coming around and picking up a few other booklets.

Lucy turned back to him and frowned.

"Stupid goat," she said, then paused. "Meh meh meh. Meeehhhhhh."

The other one scoffed.

"I'm part man too, you know."

Lucy nodded in understanding, clearly not understanding.

"So, what are you? Some kind of beardless dwarf?" the goat/man/ish thing continued.

"I'm not a dwarf! I'm a dwarf!" Lucy handed the booklet she was still holding to the fawn. "And actually, I'm shortest in my class."

The faun took the mad-lib, staring at the girl, utterly confused. Then he remembered the next line in the script.

"You mean to say that you're a Daughter of Eve?"

"Well, my mum's name is Parsnip."

"Yes, but you are, in fact, humanoid?"

"I'm not a robot!"

"I – I meant human."

"Of course, goat man with hairy legs and hairy hair. Why would you think otherwise?"

The faun looked around.

"What are you doing here?" he asked quietly.

"I want to SCREW YOU!"

"...what?"

"Well, I was hiding in the wardrobe in the spare room, and—"

"Square Broom?" the faun cut in. "Is that in Narnia?"

"Narnia? What's that?"

The faun chuckled.

"Well, dear girl, you're, you're in it." He started to point with his Minnie Mouse umbrella. "Everything from, from the flashlight, all the way to Castle Cow Power on the Eastern Ocean," he continued, turning back to Lucy, "every fake stick and fake stone you see, every fake Ice Pop, is Narnia."

Lucy stared at the vast land in awe.

"This is an awfully big wardrobe," she whispered

The faun mumbled "Wart Drone" to himself, then spoke up. "I'm sorry. Please allow me to introduce myself."

"No!"

The faun ignored her.

"My name is Tumnus."

"Is it short for stomach?"

"Um…no…"

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Tumnus. I'm Lucy Lulu Lucinda Luna Lucifer Lucius Pevensie," said Lucy Lulu Lucinda Luna Lucifer Lucius Pevensie, holding out her hand.

Tumnus stared at it questioningly.

"Oh, you shake it," she added, seeing him eyeing it strangely.

"Uh…why?"

"I…I don't know. People do it when they loath and despise each other, but want to act like they're nice for some reason. I do it with my family all the time."

Tumnus laughed a bit, then shook her right hand with his left. They both giggled. _(A/N: Gah! It's adorable!)_

"Well, then, Lucy Lulu Lucinda Luna Lucifer Lucius Pevensie from the shining city of Wart Drone in the wondrous land of Square Broom," said Tumnus, letting go of her hand and opening his umbrella again even though no precipitation of any kind was falling so it was kind of pointless, "how would it be if you came and had tea with me?"

"Hey, that rhymed! And thank you very much, but I…I probably should be getting back."

"Yes, but I want to eat you…uh, I mean, I want to nibble on your limbs…I want to have you for dinner…oh just forget it."

"I don't know," said Lucy, though she seemed to want to.

"Oh come on," said Tumnus pleadingly. "It's not everyday that I get to meet someone I want to stuff with stuffing and then eat."

Lucy smiled and picked up the final booklet.

"Well, I suppose I could come for a little while. I'll forget that you want to roast me on a spit." She tucked her arm into the faun's scapula.

Tumnus smiled evilly, steepling his fingers together and muttering, "Excellent."

_A/N: Hey Raven Wolfmoon here! Ha, my friend included her love of werewolves! I find that amusing. _

_Nice to believe that I'm this random NORMALLY, isn't it? Well I thought for reference I would include the songs I was listening to when I wrote that insanity…well, the PLUS insanity in case you wanted to understand my rambling: __Brother My Brother by Blessid Union of Souls played in the First Pokemon Movie which we used to like about five years ago; __The Dream Within by Lara Fabian, played in the credits of the anime movie Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within; __Liberi Fatali composed by Nobuo Uematsu, played in the opening of the video game Final Fantasy VIII; t__he song by Nobuo Uematsu called credits because it was played in the credits of the movie Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children; __Aerith's Theme, also by Nobuo Uematsu and played in that movie too; a__nd finally Cloud's Theme from that same place and all…yeah. __I love that music so much!!! Go soundtracks!!! Oh, and the song Unwritten._


	7. Tumnus's House

**Disclaimer: We do not own the Chronicles of Narnia or Final Fantasy X.**

_A/N: I, that is Raven Wolfmoon, added on a bit to make this chapter funnier and longer, so you might see a style change. The whole beginning part is mine...ALL MINE!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!_

Chapter 7: Tumnus's House

Lucy was half-dragged half-led through the wintry forest of Narnia by the faun who once attempted to use her as a sled. When they finally came over a rise in the landscape, Lucy raised an eyebrow at what appeared to be Tumnus's house.

"Uh…you live in a giant washing machine?" She wondered aloud, incredulous. Tumnus gave her a look and shrugged.

"Hey, it has cheap rent and I always smell like soap. I see no problems in that."

Lucy nodded. She couldn't argue with smelling like soap, because that actually smelled good. She, on the other hand, knew she smelled somewhere along the lines of a skunk that got hit by a car, mixed with squash, basted in a turkey and buried under a pile of manure.

Tumnus seemed not to notice her odd aroma, however, as they slid down the hill and he opened the wide, circular door to his home. Lucy stepped inside and her eyebrow flew off her face, orbited the planet, and then re-glued itself above her eye as she glanced at the interior.

Everything lay in ruin. Books and the bookshelf itself were kissing the scrubbed-clean floor, which was just black metal with holes in it. Tables and silverware and a myriad of other household items were scattered all around and Lucy noticed a fireplace in the far back corner, with two cozy armchairs nestled in front of it. She didn't pause to contemplate the possibility of this because she was momentarily distracted…by stairs!

There were stairs leading down to the front! Gleefully, she skipped up and down them a million times, whittling them down into toothpicks. Next when she tried going down them, she broke through them and splatted on the ground. Standing, she spotted a picture sitting on a stand on the mantle of a cabinet near her, wondering at the many uses of prepositions.

Meanwhile, Tumnus removed his scarf and boogied his fake, green-panted legs to get the snow off of the bottom of them. Problem was, he boogied so fast that his legs shot out in front of him and smacked him in the face, knocking him over. He was about to stand up, moaning, when the floor jolted beneath them.

"Hmm…watch out for that. A new load is starting." Tumnus commented to no one in particular. Lucy could only hold on for dear life as the entire, round house began to rotate, spinning faster and faster and whipping the contents of Tumnus's house around her head. Bubbles and soap suds gave both of them a good clean wash as the dryer was activated (it was a two-in-one system of course). Lucy screamed and was absorbed into a black hole of evil that destroyed the entire universe and ate everyone without pausing to swallow. Well, not really.

When the room stopped rolling, Lucy decided to empty the contents of her stomach onto the floor, which the floor soaked in with haste.

"Happens to me too, every time." Tumnus said, smiling proudly at his own soap-smelling mess draining into the floor. Lucy wondered if he should be the one taking meds, not her.

Shaking her head, Lucy turned back to the portrait and picked it up.

"Ah," Tumnus laughed, calling out to her. "Now that…that is my father." He said, putting the spare key on the top of the cupboard with a guilty look.

"He's hideous," said Lucy. "He looks a lot like you."

"Oh, do you thi – Hey!" protested Tumnus.

"My father ran off to join the circus," said Lucy forlornly, putting the picture back.

Tumnus turned around to face her. "My father went away to join a circus too. But that was only yesterday," he continued, pouring them some liquid and bringing some over. "During this dreadful winter."

"Winter's not all bad," said Lucy, looking down at some books, lying discarded on the ground. "There's running naked in the snow, throwing naked snowballs at naked people…" Some of the books included _How to Tell if You Are Real_, _The Pyreflies Made Me Real_, and _Hotdogs: The Next Generation_. "Oh, and Christmas!"

"Not here. No, no, we haven't had a Christmas in 192,721,652,769,843 years."

"What?" gasped Lucy, coming over to him. "No presents for 192,721,652,769,843 years?"

"Always winter, never Christmas," replied the faun, sitting down. "It's been a long winter." He handed Lucy a cup of the liquid as she sat in the chair across from him. "But you would have loved Narnia in summer. We fauns gambled with the dryads all night," he continued, pouring some whiskey into Lucy's already filled cup, "and, you know, we, we always got drunk." He leaned back in his chair, a wistful expression on his face. "And swears. Oh, such swears!" Lucy took a sip from her cup. "Would…would you like to hear some now?"

Lucy looked up, excited. "Oh! Yes, please." She looked back at her cup. "What exactly is this, by the way?"

"Rum, beer, and tequila mixed with orange juice with a touch of whiskey."

"Tastes like –" Lucy started snoring as teacup shattered on the floor.

Tumnus smiled. "Well, that was easy, I didn't even have to take out my pipes and pretend to play them."

Suddenly, the fire sprang up. The flames morphed into the shapes of rhinos dancing in a conga line before they changed into the face of a lion, who let out an earth-shattering "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

_A/N: Apparently, I have an unhealthy obsession with cows, I just realized this when I included so many cow references in this story…although it might have just come from watching Rat Race…_

_A/N: IT'S STILL MINE!! MUAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Wow, I'm a little insane...just like this chapter! Yay! The washing machine was my idea! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!_

_P.S. MUAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHA!!!_

_ Oh, and a little FYI: MUAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!_

_ P.S.S. MUAHAHAAHAHAHAHHA!! Okay, I'm done now.  
_


	8. Back to the Professor's House

_A/N: Hey, iheartmwpp here! Yeah, sorry for the wait, we had midterms and stuff…and stuff…and stuff…Once again, big thanks to Kelly for half the ideas. Everyone say "Thank you Raven!"_

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing from The Chronicles of Narnia, still…damn it…

Chapter 8: Back to that other…place…thing…yeah…that's more real than this other kind of…place…purple hairy monkeys 

Lucy woke up much later in Tumnus's house/washing machine. "Oh, I should go."

"It's too late for that now." Tumnus was sitting on the other side of the washing machine. "I'm such a terrible faun. You should tie me up, whip me, and spank my buttocks!"

Lucy got up and walked over to him. "I would, but you'd like that."

"True."

"But you're the worst faun I've ever met," protested Lucy.

"Then I'm afraid you've eaten a very poor sapling."

"Not recently." She got out a handkerchief and gave it to him; it was clear that he had a nosebleed. "You can't have done anything that bad."

Tumnus dabbed at his face. "It's not what I have done, Lucy Pevensie. It's something that I am doing."

"What are you doing?"

Tumnus began to cry harder. "I'm thinking obscene thoughts."

Lucy gasped.

"It was the White Witch. She's the one who makes it always winter, always cold. She gave orders! If any of us were to think obscene thoughts w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w- w-w-w-w-we're supposed to have a human document it and send it over to her."

"I thought you were my friend," said Lucy sadly, saddened by the very sad stuttering of sadness.

Tumnus looked up and the scene miraculously changed so they were racing through the forest.

"Now," said Tumnus, dragging Lucy through the snow behind him as he ran, "she may already know you're here. The woods are full of her spies." They slid down a hill to go faster. "Even some of the fake snow is on her side!" Lucy glanced fearfully at the ground. They ran quickly to the flashlight. "Can you find your way back from here?"

"I think so."

"All right." Tumnus looked at Lucy.

"Will you be all right?" asked Lucy. Tumnus started crying again. "Hey, hey, hey, careful or your prosthetic nose'll come off again."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Here," he said, pressing the handkerchief into her hands.

"Keep it. It's got_ your_ blood all over it."

Tumnus smiled. "No matter what happens, Lucy Pevensie, I am glad to have met you. You've made me hotter than I've felt in 192,721,652,769,843 years, if you know what I mean." Lucy backed away slowly, and then ran for the wardrobe.

She came bursting through the door with shouts of: "It's all right! I'm back! I'm back with a knife!"

Edmund peeked out from behind the curtain. "Shut up. He's coming!"

Sure enough, Peter came from around the corner, seeing his two youngest siblings in plain sight. "You know, I don't think you two have quite got the idea of this game."

Lucy looked confused. "Weren't you wondering where I was?"

Edmund looked at her, exasperated. "That's the point. That's why he was seeking you."

"With a knife?"

"WHAT'S WITH THE KNIFE?!"

"They're smooth and shiny."

Susan then came running up to the other three. "Does this mean I win?"

Peter glanced at her. "I don't think Lucy wants to play anymore."

"I've been thinking obscene thoughts about fauns for hours," stated Lucy, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. The other three looked at her strangely.

Susan pulled back the fur coats while Edmund kicked the back of the wardrobe repeatedly. She then turned to face her sister. "Lucy, the only wood in here is inside this popsicle stick," she informed Lucy, holding up a half-eaten cherry popsicle.

"One dessert at a time, Lu," piped up Peter. "We don't all have your appetite."

"That's my popsicle!" cried Edmund, grabbing it from Susan and shoving it down his throat. They started to walk away.

Lucy called them back. "But I wasn't imagining!"

Susan turned around. "Shut your festering gob, Lucy."

"I wouldn't lie about this!"

"Well, I believe you," said Edmund, stepping forward.

Luck stared disbelievingly at him. "You do?"

"Yeah, of course." Edmund looked at the others. "Didn't I tell you about the naked women in the bathroom cupboard?"

Peter looked at him strangely. "No…but I wish you had…"

Edmund laughed. "Actually, I made that up."

Peter frowned. "Oh, sure. You just have to make everything worse, don't you?"

"It was just a joke!"

"When are you gonna learn to grow up?"

"Shut up!" said Edmund, going up and spitting in Peter's face. "You think you're a dancing walrus, but you're not!" He ran out of the room.

Peter had a surprised expression on his face. "Uh…okay…"

Susan looked over at him. "Well that was nicely handled," she muttered sarcastically before walking out after her younger brother.

Lucy spoke up again. "But…it really was there." She protested feebly.

Peter turned to her. "Susan's right, Lucy. Shut your festering gob."

Lucy, screamed as loud as she could before flinging herself on the floor and pounding it with her fists, still screaming again and again and crying her eyes out.

"Use your words, not your grunts," advised Peter before following his other siblings out of the room.

After continuing her temper tantrum for another four hours, Lucy finally got up and closed the wardrobe before skipping merrily out of the spare room.

_A/N: Wow, I just thought of a million ideas for later in the movie, hopefully you people will like them when they finally come up. I've also got MUCH later scenes already written, and at least I think they're funny even if no one else does_. _But that's what matters most, right?_

_A/N 2: It's me, Raven/other Kelly! Woot! Wow, I just realized how perverted we are! I mean, Lucy the youngest and well…you know what she's been saying! We both are very sick, but hilarious people, aren't we? Lol we even make ourselves laugh. Oh, and I TOTALLY inserted the line "Shut your festering gob!" I love that line! Go Monty Python for inspiring such craziness! _


	9. Edmund Enters Narnia

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Yes, I know, it's been forever since the last time we updated. The reasons are pretty pathetic, but, aside from the fact that we are juniors in a lot of tough classed in high school and had midterms, we got sucked into the amazing world of anime and manga. While both of us got majorly into Kyou Kara Maou, I also got into DNAngel, Angel Sanctuary, and Prétear. Yeah, those things became our whole lives for a while. Oh well, doesn't matter, no one cares._

**Disclaimer: **We don't own anything from _The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe._ Boo-Yah!

Chapter 9: Edmund Enters Narnia

Hours later, Lucy was trying to fall asleep and have dreams about naked Japanese voice actors (_A/N: Yeah I, Raven Wolfmoon, had a dream with a naked Japanese guy in it. Turned out he was the voice actor for Cloud in Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children as well as Yuri Shibuya in the Japanese version of Kyou Kara Maou. That was a strange dream, especially when he opened his mouth and said, "Je parle français." and I was like "Me too!" It was nevertheless interesting…_) but found herself staring at the candle flame in her room. _Oooo, pretty light, _she thought, _pretty pretty, pretty…oh, mustn't touch it! It BURNS! _She stared at it for a bit longer. Then she asked the question of the universe:_ Why doesn't it smell like pants? _Like so many others who questioned this, Lucy did not receive an answer.

Suddenly, Lucy decided that she wanted to visit Tumnus. Maybe it was the candle that made her think of him, or maybe it was those obscene thoughts again… She swung her legs over the side of the bed so that her feet hovered over a pair of snow boots. She reached over and pulled out a pair of four-inch high-heels from under her bed that she quickly slipped her feet into. She grabbed the candle and walked out of her room in search of the room with the wardrobe in it.

Meanwhile, Edmund was watching porn in the bathroom. He decided that fifteen hours was long enough and quickly flushed the toilet in case anyone was wondering what had happened to him. He exited the bathroom, giggling to himself. "Haha, fools! They thought that I was making it up, but I wasn't! Those naked women _are_ in the bathroom cupboard, and they're all MINE!" Looking up, Edmund noticed Lucy heading for the spare room and immediately forgot everything.

Lucy opened the door to the spare room, and slid on the conveniently placed skateboard towards the wardrobe (how you can be in high-heels and ride a skateboard at the same time, the world will never know). She opened the door, and a winter breeze flew through the door and blew the candle out that was really some random crew member who didn't like light. Lucy entered and went into Narnia.

Edmund entered the spare room. Knowing that his sister had gone off into her fantasy land again, he wanted to catch her at her little game. He crept up to the door, and quickly opened it while shouting "PICKLES!!!!!!!" so that anyone within fifty light years could hear, but shockingly didn't wake anyone in the house up. "Lucy…" Edmund entered the wardrobe, closed the door behind him because he didn't know the moral of the book, and attempted to pursue his sister.

"Lucy…" He paused in his pursuit to glance at what surrounded him. Fur coats! Miles and miles of fur coats! "Mmmm, fur coats," murmured Edmund, "I likes nibbling on them…" And nibble on them he did, until he began to hack up hairballs and decided that he should probably be following his sister, lest she claim all of the fur coats for herself.

He continued through the wardrobe, turning around for some reason so that he was walking backwards. Then he had his stunt double fall over backwards into Narnia because he didn't feel like falling over himself. Edmund magically replaced himself and gasped in awe at his surroundings, inhaling a mouthful of fake snow and choking to death. Once he came back to life for the sake of getting on with the movie, he got up and began searching for his sister again. "Lucy!" he called out. "I still don't believe you even though I'm actually standing in another world!" He continued walking through the forest in search of the youngest Pevensie.

Edmund eventually heard something coming towards him. He turned to his right. "Lucy?" he asked tentatively before quickly diving out of the way in fear of being trampled by a red wagon with a cardboard box over it being pulled along by a newborn litter of gummi worms (sour). The wagon passed him before settling to a stop. An eight-foot man dressed in a puppy-dog suit jumped out of the miniscule wagon ran over and tackled Edmund to the ground, where Edmund began to choke on the puppy-dog man's long, fake beard. He then died again.

When Edmund awoke, he saw a very tall woman standing beside the wagon. How she was suddenly standing beside the wagon, no one really knows, as she had just been sitting in the wagon under the cardboard box thing a moment before. She was wearing a strapless gown made of bluish paper maché and a crown of icicles that seemed to be taller than her rested on her hair, which was the color of red Siberian ferrets. In fact, her hair _was_ made up of red Siberian ferrets. She turned to the doggy-person. "Ginar…Guinness…whatever you name is, get off him."

"Yes, my queen," the dog-guy said in a series of barks that for some reason everyone was able to understand.

The queen weirdly smiled a weird little smile quite weirdly. "Good boy," she said, then looked over at Edmund. "Now then, WHY DO YOU KEEP CHOKING ON THINGS?!?!?!?!" she yelled quietly.

Edmund looked up. "I…I don't really know! It's not my fault I have a small windpipe! I didn't ask for it! Anyways, I was just following my sister around and I found myself here and started dying over and over."

The woman looked up. "Sister?" she asked. "You mean…there are more of you?"

Edmund nodded. "Yes, ma'am. There's my other brother and sister as well, but they didn't believe Lucy when she said that there was a magical forest with a faun called Tumnus in it all inside the wardrobe. I didn't believe it either, but that's only because it sounds like the sort of thing that would only happen in a kid's book or a Disney movie!"

The queen considered him for a moment, before suddenly smiling. "Edmund," she said, magically knowing his name because the author didn't feel like adding more dialogue, "you look so cold. Come and sit with me for a while."

Edmund hesitated before walking over and climbing into the wagon after the queen. The queen proceeded to drape some of the ferrets over Edmund so that he would feel warmer. She then smiled at the boy and asked if he wanted anything to drink. When Edmund nodded, the queen pulled out a clump of Play-Doh and formed it into what looked like a giant mug of Pepsi, which Edmund gulped down thankfully. Then he got the courage to ask, "How did you make Pepsi out of Play-Doh?"

The queen smiled. "I can make anything you like."

"Can you make me sexy?"

"No amount of magic could do that. Anyway, I meant anything you like to eat."

Edmund hesitated before asking, "Raw meat on the cob?"

The queen glanced at him askance, surprised. "You like raw meat on the cob…too?"

Edmund nodded stupidly and smiled. The queen laughed delightedly. Edmund started laughing. They laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed for no apparent reason. The queen then stopped and molded some of the Play-Doh into Edmund's favorite food. He bit into it hungrily, gnawing the meat right off the cob with ferocity.

"Edmund, I would very much like to meet the rest of your family."

"Why, they're nothing special. They don't like raw meat on the cob!"

"How terrible, vile! Damn them to hell!" The queen ripped off one of the dog man's ears and while he screamed and writhed in the background, she reached out to wipe off some blood juice from the corner of Edmund's mouth. Edmund's eyes widened and he bared his teeth threateningly. She quickly removed her hand.

"I'm sure they're not nearly as horrid, obnoxious, repulsive, foul, disgusting, hideous and nasty as you are. But you see, Edmund, I had a bad accident in my youth in which a giant lion kicked me in the ovaries. Therefore, I am unable to have children of my own." The queen explained, politely handing back the ear to the puppy man, who was bleeding rather profusely.

"And you are exactly the sort of pathetic loser who I could see, one day, become my slave, but I'll lie and say Prince of Narnia. Maybe even king…in your dreams."

"Really?"

"Of course, you'd have to bring your family."

"Oh. Does that mean Peter will be your slave too?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! No, no. But my dwarf puppies do get hungry." She nodded over to the dog man, nibbling on his own ear and panting eagerly.

Edmund wasn't sure what to make of this, so he just smiled weirdly and said, "I guess I could bring them."

The queen nodded briskly and tore the raw meat from Edmund's grasp. She offered it to the dog man, who immediately stuffed it up his nose and barked happily, his mangled ear lying discarded on the ground.

"Beyond these woods, do you see those two hills?"

"No…it's just a giant blue screen…"

"Use your bloody imagination!!! My house is right between those two imaginary hills. You'd love it there, Edmund," she continued as Edmund climbed out of the wagon without difficulty. "It has whole rooms simply stuffed with raw meat on the cob. Usually, I'm the only one who eats them. But now I'll have some company."

"Can I have some more now?"

All of a sudden, flames burst out around the queen. Her eyes narrowed to glowing red dotes as the flames licked the air.

"NO!" she screamed inhumanly. Edmund flinched madly.

"I mean, I don't want to ruin your appetite." The flames dissolved and the queen was completely normal, save for a fake smile on her face. Edmund stared at her blankly and then smiled.

"Besides, you and I are going to be seeing each other very soon, aren't we?" the queen simpered sweetly.

"I hope so, Your Ugliness—Majesty."

"Until then, dear one. MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm. I'm gonna miss you."

The puppy man hopped back on board the wagon and ululated to the gummi worms to get them moving. The sled lurched forward as Edmund watched it disappear around the bend.

Then, extremely coincidentally, Lucy stumbled out of the forest, wincing as her ankles cracked in her high heels.

"Edmund? Oh, Edmund! You got here too!" she exclaimed excitedly. She ran up and hugged him, completely unaware of the blood juice spattered all over his chin from the raw meat.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Lucy persisted, oblivious still to the blood dripping in her hair. Edmund pushed her off him.

"Where have you been?" he demanded accusingly.

"With Mr. Tumnus. He's dreadful as always. The White Witch hasn't found out about him having obscene thoughts about me."

"The White Witch?" Edmund asked dumbly.

"She calls herself the Queen of Narnia, but she really isn't."

Edmund suddenly had a terrible sinking feeling.

"Are you alright? You look…well more awful than usual." Lucy glanced at him with pretend concernedness on her face.

"You're mean! Can't wait till I betray you…" Edmund muttered to himself. Out loud, he said, "Well what do you expect? I'm sinking in a patch of quicksnow!"

The youngest Pevensies glanced down at their feet and realized the horrible truth.

"How do we get out of here?" Edmund wondered.

"Come on. This way," Lucy replied, annoyed, as she yanked Edmund bodily out of the snow with bulging biceps. He eyed her strangely as her arms shrunk. Lucy then reached out and grabbed him, pulling him back to the wardrobe.

_A/N: Wow. Oh, Raven here again. Just thought I'd point out I am not AS obsessed with Kyou Kara Maou (even though it is an awesome show!) as the other Kelly is. Honestly, it has taken over her mind, literally and figuratively I'm afraid._

_A/N: ERM iheartmwpp here. What do you mean you're not AS obsessed? You were the one begging me for details earlier! And, Conrart is awesomeful, hello! And Wolfram. And Gunter. And ALL OF THEM!! You CANNOT DENY THIS!!_

_A/N: Raven response: True dat, yo. Anyways, we are awful people for having porn and obscene thoughts in this innocent movie. These kids are pretty young, here! And we make them do so many horrible yet hilarious things…am I right? raises eyebrows suggestively_

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Yeah what she said. Hope you liked it! Review please! And if any of you have some really weird-ass dreams that you want to see somewhere in this story, tell us in your reviews and we'll find a way to incorporate them into the story. _


	10. Running into the Professor, Literally!

_A/N: This is a good chapter, if you like our sick humor (which some people don't…cough) and we're sorry if you don't like it. We have minds constantly in the gutter, so things turn out for the worst. Actually, upon retrospect, after Tumnus came in it kind of went downhill from there…meh. If some people still like it, then we'll keep posting! Yay!_

**Disclaimer: **_Chronicles of Narnia _and _Harry Potter _(it'll never sell…)

Chapter 10: Running Into the Professor…Literally!

Lucy dashed into Peter and Edmund's room, ripping the door off its hinges as she barged in and gave Peter a massive body slam. It was so much better to harm him while he was innocently sleeping quietly when he had no idea what was happening.

"Peter, Peter, wake up! Peter, wake up! I have a present for you!"

"Really?" Peter asked, sitting up immediately.

"No."

Peter smacked Lucy in the face as she continued, undeterred. "It's there, it's really there!"

"Shut up biatch!" Peter roared, not happy to have his beauty sleep interrupted. And certainly beauty sleep it was…he's sooooo sexy…

"Lucy, what are you talking about?" Peter demanded groggily.

"Narnia! It's all in the wardrobe like I told you!" Lucy cried triumphantly. Susan entered the room, putting on a bathrobe to hide her negligee.

"You've just been hallucinating again, Lucy."

"But I haven't!" Lucy insisted. "I saw Mr. Tumnus again and this time Edmund went too!" Lucy turned smugly to Edmund, who looked confused as his older siblings regarded him warily.

"You…you saw a cheeky bloke who was a blokey cheek with megaphones as ears?" Peter asked. Edmund looked uncomfortable and quickly removed the toaster oven from his pants as he shook his head slowly.

"Well, he didn't _actually _go with me into the giant washing machine and get his eyes burned out with bleach and then magically regrown by turtle dumplings," Lucy admitted.

"He…" Lucy's face scrunched up and she realized in horror that she was constipated…AGAIN. She tried to ignore this and continued to explain. Finally, she frowned. "What were you doing, Edmund?"

The camera flashed to Susan for an instant for no apparent reason, showing her fluffing her breasts and wondering if they looked big enough. She immediately stopped when she saw that the camera was still on her, and assumed a concerned expression. The camera then went to her younger brother.

Edmund hesitated. "I was just watching porn and eating raw meat on the cob and thinking about betraying you—I mean, playing along."

His siblings, being completely and utterly daft, did not comprehend the first part of his statement.

"I'm sorry, Peter. I shouldn't have encouraged her, but…you know what little children are like these days. They just don't know when to stop pretending and/or growing buck teeth."

Lucy burst into tears, practically folding her face completely in half. Not helping with the problem was her stomach, grumbling threateningly. She raced out of the room, looking for some relief. Peter climbed out of bed with a sigh and shoved Edmund out the window as he went after Lucy.

Lucy careened down the hallway and smacked into the professor, who fell onto the ground laughing hysterically. Lucy jumped onto him, hugging him fiercely as tears began to flood into his open mouth.

Peter and Susan appeared around the corner as Mrs. Macready hurried up, tying on a bath robe furiously with haste.

"You children are one shenanigan shy of sleepin' in the outhouse!" she exclaimed petulantly. "Professor, I'm sorry. I told them that you were not to be disturbed while you were on a…trip."

"It's alright…whoever you are. I'm sure there's some kind of whoa! That is an awesome portrait right there behind my eyes! Hey take this chick to go drink some arsenic."

"But isn't arsenic poisonous?" Mrs. Macready questioned.

"It's a conspiracy, man!" the professor yelled loudly, hence the yelling. Mrs. Macready shrugged and dragged Lucy away.

The professor then cleared his throat.

"Wait, who are you? What are you doing in my house? Where's my sheep? Oh right here around my shoulders. What a lovely new bathrobe this is. Don't you think so, friends? You will be my friends, won't you?"

"Uh…"

Susan and Peter reluctantly followed the professor to his office, where he began to put weed into his pipe.

"You seem to have done something…to that someone there…somewhere in that place thingy."

"We're very sorry, sir, it won't happen again," Peter apologized, and anxiously turned to leave. But Susan remained adamant on speaking with the crazy man.

"It's our sister, sir, Lucy."

"Yeah…that hippo that was crying…I think."

"Yes, sir, she's upset."

"Hence her being the sea otter that was crying!" the professor pointed out loudly.

"It's nothing. We can handle it," Peter spoke up. The professor's eyes glazed over.

"Ah, I remember a time when I thought I could handle it. We were supposed to be married, Cedric Diggory and I. I would've been Digory Diggory. But alas, he discovered my sheep obsession and rejected me for some Asian chick," the professor said thickly, choking on a batch of tears. "It gets me choked up just remembering it!" he cried out miserably, covering his face with his hands.

"What does this have to do with our sister?" Susan wondered, attempting to be respectful.

The professor looked up, aghast. "Gods, woman! What have you been up to?"

Susan opened her mouth, but for the life of her had no idea what to say except to continue on. "She thinks she's found a magical land."

"We must stop her at once!" the professor screeched suddenly. "She must've found my shroom stash!"

"In the upstairs wardrobe," Susan finished.

The professor looked disappointed. "Oh. Then that would be no shroom involvement then—WHAT!?" His face took on a knowing sheen. He got up and ushered the children through a giant herd of sheep to the couch. The children threw many sheep aside as they went to sit down. "What did you say?" the professor finally asked as they settled themselves.

"Um, the wardrobe, upstairs," Peter repeated. "Lucy thinks she's found a forest inside."

"She won't stop going on about it!" Susan added.

"What was it like?"

"Like talking to you…except in a younger and more maniacal version."

"No, not her. The forest."

"You're not saying you believe her?" Peter asked incredulously.

"Anything's possible with the right amount of drugs—I mean you don't?"

"Well, of course not!" Susan stated defiantly. "I mean, logically, it's impossible."

"What do they teach in schools these days…?" the professor hummed to himself.

"Edmund said they were only pretending…" Peter persisted weakly.

"And he's usually the more truthful one, is he?"

"Well, he's not the one on medication."

"If she's not mad and she's not lying, then _logically_," he shook his butt in Susan's face to emphasize the point, "we must assume she's telling the truth!"

He lit his pipe as Peter stared at him disbelievingly.

"You're saying that…we should just believe her?"

"She's your llama, isn't she? You're practically family by the looks of it! You might just try acting like one." The professor commenced shoving the pipe down his gullet as Susan and Peter exchanged glances.

_A/N: Ahhh, more perversion! What are we doing to your fat virgin eyes, readers? AHHH!!!!!QQQQ!!!!!! (Q's are in for good measure. They are fat and sassy.) Hahaha Digory Diggory. By the way, if you liked that line you should read our real and hilarious version of it. It's called Blarg—go check it out! I command you!! C'THULUCHITLAN COMMANDS YOU!!! (Don't ask. Just slowly walk away. Or Review! Either way's good!)_


	11. Everyone Parties in Narnia

_A/N: Wazzup! Yeah, that pretty much covers it…_

**Disclaimer:** I own mothing from that cool movie that we're making fun of that I don't wanna type out the entire title to again.

Chapter 11: Everyone Parties in Narnia 

"Peter winds up, poised to take yet another wicket!" cried Peter, hurling the bowling ball at Edmund, who was staring at the house and therefore was not paying any attention to the game. As a result, he did not get out of the way and the bowling ball hit him on the buttocks.

"OWIE!" screamed Edmund, before he began to blubber like a little baby.

Peter chuckled. "Whoops. Wake up, Dolly Daydream," he said, catching the bowling ball that Susan threw back at him easily, not noticing one of the sheep dollies scattered about the backyard get up and start searching for its insane father.

After Edmund finally stopped crying seventy-four minutes later, he turned back to Peter. "Why can't we play hide-and-seek again?"

The camera went to Lucy, who was studying the script and trying to help the authors think up a way to mess with the wolves' personalities, since they were hopelessly lost. Then the camera went back to the other three.

"I thought you said you loved that game," answered Peter. "And as such, to piss you off, we're not playing it anymore."

"Besides," added Susan, "we could all use the entertainment of you attempting to hit a bowling ball with a toothpick."

Edmund frowned. "It's not like there aren't toothpicks inside."

Peter tossed the bowling ball back and forth. "Are you ready?" he called over.

"Are you?" Edmund replied defiantly, raising his toothpick.

Peter ran up and did a kind of deformed Macarena before finally chucking the bowling ball back at Edmund. The bowling ball hit Edmund in the side of the head, knocking him out. The ball bounced up and ricocheted towards the house going through one of the windows. Lucy fell over laughing as Susan and Peter stared accusingly at Edmund's unconscious body.

After Edmund came around and they stopped poking him with sticks, the four siblings went up to see how bad the damage really was. The bowling ball had crashed into a giant porcelain sheep statue and had utterly destroyed it. Peter turned to Edmund. "Well done Ed," he said cheerfully, grabbing his brother's hand and shaking it hard.

Edmund grinned. "Thank you very much."

They heard Mrs. Macready's voice react to the noise, even though the crash had happened a long time ago and she should've reacted a lot sooner. "Bwa-bwa-BWAH?!?!?" she yelled, this being her famous war cry. This cry was the last sound that many brave souls had ever heard.

Susan called out "WE DIDN'T DO IT!" as loudly as she could. The foursome quickly ran out of the room and down the hallway, bashing everything in their path to see if they had missed any coins. (In the PS2 video game, you can get coins by bashing things. Susan is funny because she twirls around while she's hitting stuff.) They tried to enter another room, but they heard footsteps and Edmund warned them to go back. They went back into the same hallway, now bashing into everything because they felt like it. It was hard for them to get around, as the maniacal footsteps seemed to be everywhere at once.

They eventually got to the spare room. They all hurried inside, shutting the door behind them. The other three watched as Edmund went up to the wardrobe, opened the door, and gestured inside. "Come on! Get inside so I can betray you all–I mean, we have to hide!"

Susan scoffed. "You've got to be joking," she scoffed, but then they heard the ever so evil footsteps looming closer again.

They all rushed into the wardrobe, Peter last. He closed the door behind him, leaving it open a crack as he knew the same moral as Lucy did several chapters ago. He peeked out, one of his amazingly blue eyes staring out of the crack in the door. "Get back!" he warned. Behind him, Lucy and Edmund started to get into a wrestling match. Not the sort of people to be left out, Susan and Peter immediately joined in, and they all eventually tumbled into Narnia.

Susan was the first to get up and look around. The others got to their feet behind her as well. "Well," she commented, "at least we didn't fall into another dimension by getting flushed down the toilet or something." (_A/N: iheartmwpp: I watch WAY too much Kyou Kara Maou._)

Lucy turned to her and Peter. "Don't worry. I'm sure you simply forgot to take your medication again."

Peter grinned sheepishly, suddenly looking very much like one of the sheep in Professor Kirke's collection. "I don't suppose saying we're sorry………….would quite cover it."

Lucy frowned. "No," she whispered. "It wouldn't." She suddenly grinned and flung an anvil into Peter's face. "But that might."

Lucy, Peter, and Susan soon got into a heated anvil fight. Edmund, who was still a bit groggy from taking a bowling ball to the skull, didn't join in. Susan heaved one at him anyway. "OW!" he shouted. "Stop it!"

The other three turned to stare at him. "You little lying bastard!" said Peter.

Edmund stared at his brother. "You thought she was on another acid trip too!"

"Apologize to Lucy." When Edmund didn't respond, Peter came up to him and began to throttle him. "Say you're sorry!" he commanded.

Edmund gagged, gasping for breath. "All right!" he managed to choke out." I'm sorry!"

Satisfied, Peter let go of him.

Lucy wasn't so easily swayed. "I'll never forgive you as long as I live!" She uprooted a tree and started to beat Edmund with it.

Edmund pushed himself up. "Very funny," he muttered.

Susan looked uncertainly around her. "I hate fake snow. Maybe we should go back."

"NO!" shrieked Edmund. "I need to eat more raw meat–I mean, shouldn't we at least take a look around?"

Peter smiled and turned to his youngest sibling. "I think Lucy should decide."

Lucy gasped. "Gasp!" she said. "I'd like you all to meet Mr. Tumnus!"

"Well then Mr. Tumnus it is!" Peter turned around and went back into the wardrobe.

Susan frowned. "But we can't go skipping merrily through the fake snow dressed like this."

"No," agreed Peter, coming out of the wardrobe (NOT the same as a closet, people!) with four fur coats in his arms. "But I'm sure the Professor wouldn't mind us using these." He handed one of the coats to Lucy. "Anyway, if you think about it _logically_," he continued, handing a coat to Susan, "we're not even taking them out of the wardrobe." He attempted to hand one to Edmund.

"But that's a pregnant woman's coat!" Edmund protested.

"I know."

Susan looked at her coat curiously. "Why are there all of these bite marks all over the coat?"

Edmund shifted his eyes back and forth nervously.

_A/N: Wazzup again, ppls! Yay really heavy things getting thrown at people's heads! Oh, sorry for the wait! Review and tell us what you think we were on when we wrote this!_


	12. Meeting Mr Beaver

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Hello, yeah, so the deal is that since my computer sucks I have to e-mail all of these chapters to Raven so she can post them on here. Only problem is, now my e-mail is trying to be a buttface. I'm sending some chapters over while I still can. If you don't see any updates for a while in the future, blame it either on our laziness or my e-mail._

_A/N: Raven: Also, might I add that we will soon be accomplishing a feat? We will be passing the amount of reviews for our other story, Marauder's Reunion, meaning we'll start a new highest record!! And we still have a bunch of chapters left to go on this story! This totally rocks! Thank you so much reviewers! We love you!! Well, I love you at least. And stuff and stuff. Woot!_

**Disclaimer: **We do not own anything except our perverted minds in this chapter. Everything else is owned by someone else, other than ourselves. We own nothing and –GET ON WITH IT!! Wow, schizophrenia rocks! I'm really random right now…can you tell who this is? It's Raven of course! Okay, really. I'm done now.

Chapter 12: Meeting Mr. Beaver

The four children hiked through the fake snow, past the giant flashlight that they all stopped to stare at before Lucy urged them on. In some portions of the movie, they actually walked through real snow! Gasp! They had never seen real snow in all of their lives. Peter was so excited that he ran ahead of Lucy and ended up slipping and falling down the hill that they were on. It was one of the parts of the film where he was at his sexiest. The sisters laughed at his antics while Edmund trudged reluctantly behind, as always jealous of his brother's undeniable sexiness.

As they got closer and closer to their destination, Lucy began to tell them what to expect. "The washing machine isn't so bad once you get used to it," she commented, "though admittedly the detergent does hurt quite a bit when it gets into your eyes and tries to suck out what little brain tissue you have. The dark loads are the most fun–" She broke off, staring at what was in front of them in horror.

The washing machine had been replaced by a dishwasher.

Lucy stared at it for several millennia before Peter asked if there was anything wrong. "Lu?" Lucy snapped out of it finally and ran up to the giant drier, climbing inside. "Lucy!" Peter called after her as all of them followed her into the dishwasher. Inside, there was something that shocked them more than all of their worst nightmares put together.

There were posters of N'SYNC all over the inside of the dishwasher. N'SYNC paraphernalia littered every nook and cranny of what was once a respectable washing machine. There was even a cartoonish poster of Justin Timberlake over Tumnus's bed that was somehow stolen from Shrek 2.

"Who would do something like this?" Lucy wondered aloud. Edmund heard a crack and, looking down, realized that he had just stepped on a Lance Bass bobble-head doll.

Peter turned and saw a letter that had been taped over the row of N'SYNC albums lining the far wall. Peter ripped off the letter and began to read it aloud. "The Faun Tumnus is hereby charged with High Treason against Her Imperial Majesty, Jadis, Queen of Narnia, for refusing to listen to N'SYNC, and for not sending her documentations of said Faun's obscene thoughts. Signed Maugrim, President of the N'SYNC Fan Club. Bye Bye Bye." Peter gave it to Susan to look at.

Susan glanced at it before turning to her elder brother. "All right," she muttered. "Now we really should go back."

"But what about Mr. Tumnus?" piped up Lucy.

"If he was arrested just for not liking a hideous band that he rightfully should hate and for obscene thoughts, then I don't think there's much we can do."

"You don't understand, do you?" Lucy stared up at her older siblings. "I'm the human who was supposed to be documenting Mr. Tumnus's obscene thoughts. She must've found out that he got me out of doing it."

Peter sighed and bent down. "Don't worry, Lu. We'll think of something."

"Why?" asked Edmund unexpectedly. "I mean, he's a criminal. Anyone who doesn't like N'SYNC is a criminal."

"That band sucks!" yelled Susan. "If anything it should be a crime to like it!"

Suddenly a bird flew in, urinated on all of them, and then left.

Susan turned to Peter, very confused. "Did that bird just piss on us?"

"Well, it's not like there was a mini rainstorm in here!" Lucy retorted. Peter turned on her savagely.

"Don't joke about the rain! You know what I said about melting, don't you? DON'T YOU???"

Lucy nodded with wide eyes.

"I don't have to tell you again, or the rain master will be angry with us…ever so angry…I don't want to be a snowman again! NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!!" Peter ranted, finally collapsing into a shuddering heap on the floor. Edmund laughed and began to kick him as Susan rolled her eyes and led the way outside where Peter puffed up his chest, hoping to regain some of his dignity.

As soon as they stepped outside, there was a sudden build up of music.

"We're not in bloody Star Wars!" Edmund scoffed loudly, but the music continued on deafeningly as a rustling sound joined it. Fearfully, Susan, Peter and Lucy huddled together as Edmund attempted to glue a scared expression to his face. Tension swelled as the music increased with the rustling and Edmund struggled in vain.

All of a sudden, from behind a snowy log emerged a creature worthy of…being a creature.

"It…it's a beaver," Lucy stated, cautiously creeping forward and gawking at the beaver in confusion.

"You know, I think that's already been established. If you've read the books or seen the crappier version of this same movie, you would know that that's a bloody beaver!" Edmund said.

Lucy stuck out her jaw and chucked a piano at Edmund's head. "Yes, well this is DIFFERENT, bitch! I had to say what it was in case some stupid idiot audience member thought it was a tractor or something!"

"Hey, Lucy…where did you get a piano?" Susan asked.

Lucy shrugged. "Found it in my coat pocket."

Susan nodded knowingly as the beaver eyed them and slowly approached. Peter knelt and extended a hand.

"Here, boy," Peter encouraged, clicking his tongue. The beaver gave his hand a sideways glance.

"Well I'm not gonna snuggle with it, if that's what you want!"

The children fell back in surprise and alarm.

"Um…sorry," Peter apologized. The beaver turned to Lucy.

"Lucy Lucinda Lulu Lucifer blah blah whatever-he-said Pevensie?"

Lucy gasped and opened her mouth dumbly, frowning. The beaver went to her and handed her a handkerchief.

"Hey, that's the hankie I gave to Mr. Tum—"

"Tumnus," the beaver finished for her, nodding. "He managed to get it dry-cleaned and got it to me just before they took him."

"Is he alright?" Lucy asked anxiously.

The beaver leaned closer to them. "Further in," he whispered. The beaver began to run away as Lucy and Peter started to follow him.

"What are you doing?" Susan called after them, halting them in their place.

"Yeah, how do we know we can eat him—I mean trust him?" Edmund demanded.

A random viewer became enraged at Edmund for speaking that way. He was sick and tired of Edmund leaking hints about the plot, and decided to end it once and for all. The viewer removed a blow-gun and a poison dart from a bag at his side and promptly killed Edmund on the spot. His siblings just stared at his corpse, for they were really just actors and weren't related to him at all and thus didn't really care.

Because it was Narnia, however, and Narnia does weird things to people, Edmund was restored and everyone working on that scene had their memories erased. The only thing they remembered was a strange buzzing accompanied by a strong craving for gravy.

"He said he knows the faun," Peter offered as proof of the beaver's trustworthiness. Susan shook her head smartly.

"He's a beaver. He shouldn't be saying anything!"

The beaver popped his head around the corner. "Everything alright?"

"Yes," Peter answered swiftly, silencing his siblings' arguments. "We were just talking about whether to get on with the story or not."

The beaver glanced around. "That's better left for safer quarters."

"He means the fake snow," Lucy explained. The siblings observed the ominously glittering snow with wary eyes for a moment before trailing the beaver.

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Yeah, the dishwasher was originally a drier before Raven reminded me that she had a two-in-one deal in earlier chapters for Tumnus's house. Yeesh, you expect me to remember these things? I keep forgetting that we even wrote the other stories on our profile half the time! Anyway, you know the deal, review and tell us other ideas you have about heavy objects Lucy suddenly finds in her pockets and chucks at people._

_A/N: Raven: Might I point out that I'm awesomeful? I'm the only one in this duo that can actually TYPE!! Go me!! The other one just uses two fingers. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yeah, I finished typing this up in minutes. Oh yeah! Although I have to give some props to iheartmwpp for coming up with the whole "N'SYNC" deal, and the signing off the letter "Bye Bye Bye". I thought that was clever! I am in the weirdest mood right now…in case you didn't notice. Anyone like the random viewer and blowgun? That was me, me, ME!!!_

_A/N:iheartmwpp: Shut your festering gob you git, or I'll shove your eyes in a ceiling fan. _

_A/N: Raven: NOOOooooooooooooooooooooo!!! I need my eyes…to SEE!!! Okay. I've stopped now. Yaynessblarglknaoieakfnla;ljkwemaeklbfupioa;lekanfoSUI:akl_

_nfoaiea;lnalnalknAlkenjalkb;lehoifajlekano;ifjalknfio;jalemklfjaoiejf.Laknhfoieajklfheakljfioajnfklabnio;fhaelknbog9p8aweklnaskl;fhaiowfjlmlk…?. AHH!! MUST.KEEP.IPODS.AT. BAY!! _

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Why at the bay? Isn't it nice enough in the countryside surrounded by prettiful flowers and turnip grass?_

_A/N: Raven: Well, as much as I love turnip grass, I must say that the water is sparkly when the sun makes it sparkle. _

_A/N: iheartmwpp: True, true. Fine. Keep them at the bay then. No one likes you anyways. _

_A/N: Raven: I'm crying right now! Teardrops…coming from my eyes!_

_A/N: iheartmwpp: We still arent' done with this yet?_

_A/N: Raven: Oh, yeah. We should probably finish and just post this. _

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Okey dokey then. Here we go…a'finishin' this thingy. _

_A/N: Raven: Yup. _

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Seriously, we're done. _

_A/N: Raven: And…now._


	13. The Beaver Smackdown

_A/N: Pop the cork on that champagne bottle, we're celebrating! Woot! We have the EXACT same amount of reviews as our other big-ish hit story…so with this chapter it will surpass them! WOOHOO!!! And yes, we are technically 16 so we can't have alcohol but we shall have it figuratively! Whoopie!! _

Chapter 13: The Beaver Smackdown

Mr. Beaver (we're just going to call him that now because we're that cool) led the four children up a small high overlooking his home.

"Ah blimey!" he sighed proudly. "Looks like the old girl has got the kettle on. Nice cup o' Rosy Lee."

"Who's Rosy Lee?" Edmund wondered aloud. Mr. Beaver gave him a look.

"Just some ole Granny we found wandering around. Boiled her up and ate her liver, we did. Tasted like chicken."

"I thought beavers were herbivores…?" Susan said.

"Narnia changes everything. Surely you know that by now? Hell, I'm a beaver and I can bloody talk!"

"True dat, yo," Peter offered. Susan glared daggers at him that pierced his eyeballs. He screamed and writhed a bit and then was given new eyes.

Meanwhile, the others were gazing down upon the small beaver dam in awe.

"It's atrocious!" Lucy commented.

"Oh, it's merely a trifle, you know—" Mr. Beaver started.

"A truffle? As in a chocolate Lindor truffle? Those things I would gladly die for! Melt in your mouth heaven!" Susan exclaimed exuberantly, drooling from her elbows.

"Notice I said 'trifle', one 'i' and one 'f' unless you have serious hearing problems," Mr. Beaver said, deadpan. He would have a giant sweat drop if he was Anime. Seeing as he wasn't, he just looked like a beaver with a dead frying pan on his face.

"Mmmmphffffffffmmmmphh!" he continued. Lucy rolled her eyes as she removed the frying pan off his face so he could speak.

"Anyways, as I was saying, there's still plenty to do. Ain't quite finished it yet," Mr. Beaver finished. They started walking down the hill toward the home. Mr. Beaver spoke as he led them down the rise, "It'll look the business when it is, though."

The five approached the dam as Mrs. Beaver emerged from within. "Beaver, is that you? I've been worried sick! If I find you've been out with Badger again I…" She glanced up and her eyes widened as she beheld the children. "Those aren't badgers!" she gasped.

"No shit," Edmund muttered under his breath. Peter smacked him.

"Oh I never thought I'd live to see this day!" Mrs. Beaver breathed, going up to them. She turned to Mr. Beaver sternly. "Look at my fur? I said LOOK AT IT!! You couldn't give me ten minutes warning?!"

"I would've given you a week if I thought it would've helped," Mr. Beaver chuckled. The humans were about to join him with his laughter when they caught the expression on Mrs. Beaver's face.

"WHAT…DID…YOU…SAY????!!!!" she roared. Mr. Beaver cringed, but it was too little too late.

Mrs. Beaver grabbed up the nearest thing in her possession—the door, as it happened to be—and smashed it over Mr. Beaver's head. She disappeared in the house for a moment and reappeared with a chair, which she then broke over her husband's body. She found a broom stick and began beating him repeatedly. When she grew bored of that, she bent and started stuffing snow into his nose and mouth. She flipped over his body and rubbed his face in the ground, smearing his fur with dirt. She decided to get a little creative and went back into the dam again. This time, she came back out with knitting needles. She commenced poking them in Mr. Beaver's side before she realized that the siblings were staring at her in horror.

Smiling awkwardly, she rose, gave one last kick to her husband's body and wiped her hands on her fur.

"I think he's learned his lesson," she declared. The children nodded quickly, their eyes wide.

"Oh, come inside," she said moments later, "and we'll see if we can't get you some food and some more _civilized _company."

The four Pevensies glanced at one another, not at all sure if they wanted to go in this crazy beaver's house. But alas, the script said they had to, so they reluctantly did.

As Edmund followed his siblings into the house, he accidentally stepped on Mr. Beaver's twitching body.

"Enjoyin' the scenery, are we?" croaked Mr. Beaver, squinting through a black eye from down below. Edmund shook his head and actually did glance at the staged setting before entering the dam.

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Woot! People beating up other people! Teehee, this was fun to write._

_A/N: from Raven: Hey, I'M the one that wrote this! Grr…and came up with the brilliant title might I add. Some serious beaver smashing going on around here! This was amazingly fun to write; you have no idea. Go knitting needles too, for I attempt to knit in real life. And yes, I am quite lame with the 'deadpan face' and the mention of Lindor truffles…I am NOT kidding when I say they are heaven in your mouth! GAH I LOVE THEM SO!! _"Oh, come inside," she said moments later, "and we'll see if we can't get you some food and some more _civilized _company." _Hahaha!! I LOVE how that line came out in this! Isn't it great?_

_Oh, and if you like this story, I suggest you check out our other ones on this profile. 'Blarg' especially, since it is just as random if not more than this story. If that can be possible. Go read and review, dahlings!_

_On a side note, hi Dana from the People to People Student Ambassador Program! Glad you like this fic! If you want to review it, click on that little button down there that says 'Go!' Yayness!_


	14. Too Many Prophecies

_A/N: A little hint: the beaver bashing is not over! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!_

Chapter 14: Too Many Prophecies

"Isn't there anything we can do to help Tumnus?" Peter asked once they were seated comfortably in the dam.

"They'll have taken him to the Bitch's. You know what they say. There's few that go through them gates that come out again…with eyes on their butt and butts on their eyes," Mr. Beaver intoned through his bruised and ragged face.

"Guacamole 'n' chocolate sauce?" Mrs. Beaver interrupted with a nasty look at her husband. Mr. Beaver scurried under the table in a panic as Mrs. Beaver laid out dishes with said food on them. "But there is hope, dear. Lots of hope."

Mr. Beaver gagged on a dust bunny. "Oh, yeah, there's a right bit more than hope! Aslan is on the move!" Mr. Beaver whispered ominously, peeping out from under the table. Unfortunately, his dire tone had no affect on the children, who were spacing out in strange ways. Peter was poking the fake beavers that were originally in place of the CG (computer-generated peoples) beavers, Susan was clawing off her face because she thought she had a zit, Lucy was gnawing the table and Edmund was slapping and clapping himself in a bizarre dance he learned from watching Jimmy Neutron.

The director Andrew Adamson then whipped the children back into focus and they continued the scene, pretending to be awed and confused about the mention of Aslan's name. Edmund stepped forward. He voiced the question everyone was asking: "Who the bloody blood bloodiness blood-like bloodily blooding blood is Aslan?"

Mr. Beaver burst out laughing. "Who's Aslan?" he guffawed. "I'm in so much pain right now!" he snorted. "You cheeky little blighter!" he continued, reaching over with a suddenly abnormally long arm and pinching Edmund on the cheek. (Face, idiots.)

Seeing the look on Edmund's face, Mrs. Beaver huffed and punched her husband. He snapped out of his deranged mood and rubbed his arm where she had hit him. "Abusive marriage this is. Too bad she was the only beaver here…else I would've married someone else…"

"WHAT…DID…YOU…SAY????!!!!"

"Hehe…nothing, love! Nothing at all! Erm," he cleared his throat. "You really don't know, do you?" he said, eyeing their bewildered faces. "You really are a bunch of stupid idiots!"

"Well, it's not like we've been here very long!" Peter said as an excuse.

"Well, he's only the king of the whole fake wood," Mr. Beaver explained sarcastically. "The top geezer. The real buttface of Narnia!"

"He's been away, for a long while," Mrs. Beaver cut in.

"But he's just got back!" Mr. Beaver said excitedly. "And he's waiting for you at the Pewter Toilet!"

"He's waiting for us?" Lucy wondered hesitantly.

"You're bloomin' joking!" Mr. Beaver exclaimed. He jumped out from under the table and began to beat himself up with Mrs. Beaver's sewing machine (a big hype in the books you know). "THEY-DON'T-EVEN-KNOW-A-BOUT-THE-PRO-PHE-CY!" he yelled, banging himself on each separate syllable. The children gawked at him, aghast at him damaging himself even more.

"Well, then…?" Mrs. Beaver prompted, actually trying to calm her deranged husband this time.

Mr. Beaver sucked in a large breath. "Look. Aslan's return, Tumnus's arrest, the secret police…it's all happening because of you!"

"You're blaming us?" Susan demanded, incredulous.

"No! Not blaming, thanking you," Mrs. Beaver soothed hurriedly.

"There's a prophecy," Mr. Beaver began, "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches…Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, though he will have power the Dark Lord knows not…And either must die at the hands of the other for neither can live while the other survives…The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…" (_A/N from Raven who's currently writing this: Obviously, this is from Harry Potter. And sad enough though, iheartmwpp actually told ALL of it to me WORD FOR WORD!! How pathetic is that?? **iIheartmwpp: You try reading the 5th book ten times without memorizing parts of it!**_)

Lucy raised an eyebrow. "And how exactly does that have anything to do with us?"

Mr. Beaver cleared his throat. "Oh, sorry. Wrong prophecy. Erm…One ring to rule them all. One ring to find them. One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them." (_A/N from Raven again: Ha! Now that one's from ME! Go Lord of the Rings! **iheartmwpp: And she thought **_**I_ was sad…_**)

This time, Peter spoke up. "Um…I don't think you've got it right. That doesn't really make sense here…"

"Oh, my apologies. Here is the prophecy: One will die, one will go mad and one will find glory." (_A/N: And that's one from a book no one knows! Go Dragonlance: Riverwind the Plainsman! **iheartmwpp: I searched for a half-hour to find that one. You know, I got it off E-Bay. 20 cents for the book, five bucks shipping and handling.**_)

"Well…there's four of us…?" Susan pointed out.

Mr. Beaver rolled his eyes. "Okay, how many prophecies are there?" he huffed angrily.

Mrs. Beaver patted him comfortingly. "Too many to count, dear. They're a good plot device. Too good to pass up, if you take my meaning."

Mr. Beaver sighed dejectedly. "Alright, I'll have one more go: When Adam's flesh and Adam's bone sits at Cow Power in throne, the evil time will be over and done. Ah there, that's the right one!"

"What kind of prophecy is that?" shouted Susan. "The other non-Narnia ones were way cooler! This one doesn't even rhyme!"

"I know it don't," Mr. Beaver interjected. "You're kinda missin' the point!"

Mrs. Beaver put a hand on her husband's shoulder. "It has long been foretold that two Sons of Adam and two Daughters of Eve will defeat the White Bitch and restore peace to Narnia!"

"And you think we're the ones—" Peter interrupted.

"You'd better be, 'cause Aslan's already fitted out your army." Mr. Beaver said.

"Our army?" Lucy asked.

"Mom sent us away because she hated our guts, not to get in a weird war in an alternate dimension," Susan surmised.

"I think you've made a mistake," Peter protested. "We're not heroes!"

"We're from Gmtpkvqn!" (_A/N from Raven: This is a language I created…this is how Finchley would look like. Mind you, this is in my REAL story, the one that lives in my head! I'm writing it and actually hoping to get it published, FYI. Check out Raven Wolfmoon's profile to get a link to read it! (And yes, I realized I just referred to myself in the third person.)_

"Hmm… Where's that now?" Mr. Beaver questioned.

"Oh, it's King Kong's island," Peter informed them.

"It's rumored there that Lucy is King Kong's illegitimate child," Susan added with a girlish giggle. Lucy lived up to this statement by randomly growing black hair all over her body and acting like a gorilla. She began to hoot loudly at noticing before anyone else that Edmund was gone.

"Thank you for your hospitality, but we really have to go," Susan said, standing up and breaking her head through the ceiling.

"But you can't just leave!" Mr. Beaver insisted incredulously as Peter rose and rammed his skull through his ceiling.

"Ooo eee ooo ah ah, ting tang walawala bing bang," Lucy said forlornly, which translated to: "He's right, we have to help Mr. Tumnus."

"It's out of our noses. I'm sorry, but I'm too sexy to be here. It's time the four of us were getting home," Peter continued. "Ed?"

Peter whipped around in a frantic manner, trying to find the brother that simply wasn't there. He collapsed to his knees in anguish.

"STELLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" he screamed in agony.

"His name's Edmund," Susan corrected him dryly.

"Oh right. EDMUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNDDDDD!!"

A sinister musical theme bubbled all around them as Peter stood up and clenched his fists. "I'm gonna smother him with a prostitute!" he muttered angrily.

"You may not have to. Has Edmund ever been to Narnia before?" Mr. Beaver asked menacingly as the music swelled all around him and ate him.

_A/N: Um…eww! We were trying to think of the grossest food ever for the beginning…randomly came up with guacamole and chocolate sauce! Yum, yum! Haha, Jimmy Neutron: Slap, slap, slap, clap, clap, clap etc. by that weird kid what's-his-face. Great line here: _"_Who the bloody blood bloodiness blood-like bloodily blooding blood is Aslan?" And yes, everyone really WAS thinking of that! Pretty crazy with all the prophecies too, eh? That's the extent of our OTHER obsessions. Yes, we would run if we were you! The King Kong and Stella thing…we don't even know. Oh, and ask the weird one iheartmwpp for the explanation behind "I'm gonna smother him with a prostitute". Most of these little quote thingys we come up with at school…Raven mostly while she's high on food. Now, we are now finished rambling. Thank you, come again! _


	15. Chasing Edmund

_A/N: Woohoo here's another chapter! It's extremely random…well, aren't they all? This one just seems more so than the others. And the chapter title sucks! YES!_

Chapter 15: Chasing Edmund

Edmund hiked determinedly through the snow, all of his concentration focused on getting to the White Bitch's house. He was so focused that he hadn't noticed he had forgotten his pregnant woman's coat, not even when he showed signs of getting frostbite. All he could think about was how Jumper was his bestest friend ever. EVER!! But he got eaten by a mad rabbit and Edmund never saw him again. How a mad rabbit managed to swallow an entire camel still astounded him, but the fact remained. He still missed Jumper. Well, he was Edmund's BESTEST FRIEND EVER!!! That's probably why he missed him…and stuff.

Yeah, we have no idea where that came from either. Just don't ask. Again.

Abruptly, the scene changed to the other three siblings chasing after their brother followed by a panting Mr. Beaver.

"Hurry!" called Peter over his shoulder as he ran. He stopped suddenly and the others instantly crashed into him. They all fell in a mess of tangled limbs, screaming at the top of their lungs. Once they got up, they looked at what made Peter stop so suddenly, hence the suddenness of his sudden stop.

They had arrived at the summit of a hill overlooking the Bitch's castle. GASP! DUN DUN DUN!!! GAHHH!! DON'T HYPERVENTILATE!! Much…

The castle was made of…whatever castles were made of. No joke! Yes, be amazed that we didn't change it. Or did we…? Muahahahahah!!!

Susan stared at it and realized she hadn't applied any lip gloss in the last three minutes. The very thought terrified her every waking moment. Her breathing grew ragged as her figure withered until she quite resembled The Scream. She melted into a globule on the ground as her siblings just frowned down at her.

"I told you we could melt," Peter remarked smugly.

"But Peter, it's not even raining," Bielefeld pointed out.

"When did you change your name, Lucy?"

"I'm not Lucy."

"Uh…where's my sister?" Peter asked. Bielefeld shrugged. Peter chucked a hamster at him. "Go, get away! Scat, you!" Bielefeld's mouth opened in horror as he ducked the terrible ninja hamsters and fled into the forest.

"Phew, that was close," came a voice from behind Peter. He whipped around and noticed Lucy brushing some shavings off her coat.

"Where the heck were you?"

"Munching on a tree," she explained.

"That's my job!" Mr. Beaver cried indignantly. It was then that the camera people realized they were having some technical difficulties. They remembered suddenly to remove the lens from their cameras and poof, everything returned to normal. Mostly.

Meanwhile, the Pevensie siblings spotted their brother opening a gigantic door to the Bitch's palace. A terrible scream echoed across the barren valley as Edmund seemed to be blasted by a huge gust of air. The castle itself seemed to deflate, its towers sagging inwardly as the light spilling out of the open door abruptly extinguished. Once the door was closed, the castle stopped shrinking. And even as they watched, someone from the inside pumped the inflatable structure with air again, making it look like an actual castle.

"Well that was weird," Susan commented. The others silently agreed.

"Edmund," Lucy whispered forlornly, knowing her brother was now beyond their saving.

Mr. Beaver turned to her. "QUIET!" he screamed as loudly as he could. "THEY'LL HEAR YA!" Peter spun around and began to fart in Edmund's general direction. "NO!" shouted Mr. Beaver, leaping at Peter and tackling him to the ground.

Peter sprayed Mr. Beaver in the face with mace. Hehe, it rhymes. "Get off me!" Peter yelled, kicking the beaver off him.

"You're playing into her feelers!"

"You mean, like antennae?"

"Yeah, whatever!"

"But she doesn't have antennae…"

"SHE COULD!" Mr. Beaver insisted, his eye twitching. Could be from his numerous beatings or something.

"Alright, alright already!" Susan consented, holding up her hands in defense. "But we can't just let him go!"

"He's the bait!" Mr. Beaver explained. "The Bitch wants all four of ya!"

"Why?" questioned Peter, confused.

"To stop the prophecy from coming true. To make you explode in a field of molten flowers!"

Susan glared at Peter after hearing the dire news. "This is all your fault!"

"My fault?"

"None of this would've happened if you had just listened to me in the first place!"

"Oh, so you knew this would happen?"

"Of course I knew this would happen!" Susan retorted. "I read the bloody script! Which is why we should've gone back in the closet while we still could!"

"Stop it!" Lucy interrupted unexpectedly. "First of all, it's called a wardrobe, idiot, the movie's not called _The Lion, the Witch and the Closet_, now, is it? And second, this isn't going to help Edmund."

Mr. Beaver nodded in satisfaction. "She's right. Only Aslan can save your brother now."

"We're screwed," Lucy muttered under her breath.

Susan looked down. "What, is he like God or something?" Mr. Beaver slapped himself.

Peter sighed. "Sigh," he said. "Then take us to him." The camera pulled away for a wide shot of the three children and the beaver before the cameraman tripped over a rock and fell on his buttocks.

_A/N: So, Bielefeld was a really sudden addition. I, Raven, wrote it and thought it was funny. That's actually the last name of iheartmwpp's favorite character on Kyou Kara Maou, Wolfram von Bielefeld of course! We definitely recommend it for your Anime fixes! As for me, well I'm into Naruto right now. I LOVE BUSHY BROWS!! Now, if you haven't seen the show, then whatever. Blarg. But if you have, YES! I love Rock Lee so much!!! And Sasuke, we both agree, is very sexy. As well as his brother, although he's evil and is a meanie-face. Hey, evil people can be hot too, can't they? Take Sephiroth for example…he is SO KICKASS!! Anyways, seeing as most sane people have no idea what I'm prattling on about, I'll stop now. Until the next update…which will be sometime when we can get together again. _


	16. Beware the Kitty Cats!

_A/N: For lack of a better chapter title, here you go. Hey, it makes ME laugh, anyways!_

Chapter 16: Beware the Kitty Cats!

Edmund looked around when he entered the freaky courtyard of the freaky castle. It was pretty freaky, in all truth. Did I mention it was freaky? Yeah, it was pretty freaky. By the way, the castle was freaky, just so you know. Did you hear that the castle was freaky? Well, the castle was freaky.

Edmund killed the authors and the story ended. Except not really. Only in a figurative sense, since _we_ have the power to kill _him_ if we really wanted to. Hmm…there's an idea…

Edmund staggered through the area, still recovering from his minor heart attack after almost getting flattened by the deflatable castle as well as the continuous repetition of the word…you-know-what. You know, the one that starts with 'f' and ends with 'reaky?' Alas! Do not speak it aloud or you will die!

He took in a deep breath to try and calm his beating heart and wondered on that note how he was breathing if all the exits were now sealed, but that really wasn't important.

What was important was what he saw next. It was horrible, it was terrible it was…it was…Dun Dun DUNNNN!!!

A LITTLE KITTY CAT!!!

It was only a statue of course, but the stage crew neglected to mention that. Edmund ran for his very life, shrieking like the wimp he was. As he ran through the inflated courtyard, he encountered other shocking creatures that also happened to be statues. Edmund, not being the brightest crayon in the box, noticed this only after passing a platypus, a pod of whales, a flock of emus and a sloth, all of which were completely motionless.

"They're not moving," he said aloud to himself, stopping for a moment "Maybe they're all statues or something!" he exclaimed, rather proud of his abrupt brilliance. Suddenly, he had an idea. "I should graffito one of them, just to show how much of a brat I am! I am so badass…," he sniggered as he removed an entire paint set from his shoes: palette, brushes, paint and all. He spotted a particularly innocent-looking chinchilla and got to work.

When he was finished, he paused to admire his job well done. It was so good, in fact, that it was hard to tell if it was turquoise with puce stripes or puce with turquoise stripes. Satisfied, he shoved the painting supplies into his trousers and continued walking normally.

Up ahead, Edmund thought that another clever artist like himself must have passed through, for the octopus lounging on the stair was utterly remarkable. It had a lovely neon-orange sheen and could almost pass for _not _being a statue.

Cruel irony was that it actually wasn't a statue. Edmund discovered this unfortunate fact as he trod upon the presumed 'statue's' tentacles. In the next instant, the vicious sea beast was latched onto his throat, its suction cups constricting his air flow.

"Be still, stranger, or I'll rip your throat out of your kidneys!" It frothed angrily. Edmund raised an eyebrow, wondering if he was really supposed to be intimidated by this and even a little confused as to how the octopus's threat would be carried out.

All of a sudden, the clicker man clicked the clickey-thingy and the scene paused. Maugrim, aka the octopus, had started to gasp for air. A kind member of the crew threw him into a pitcher of water for a few moments while Edmund began talking to a statue of a pig.

After Maugrim had regained sufficient air supply for himself, the scene recommenced.

""Be still, stranger, or I'll rip your throat out of your kidneys!" Maugrim repeated, "Who are you?"

Edmund cringed as he was supposed to. "I'm Edmund!" he squeaked. "I met the Queen in the woods. She told me to come back here if I wanted more raw meat. I'm a Son of Adam!" he added as an afterthought.

"Oh, okay. Come on in," Maugrim invited him cordially, accidentally flinging Edmund into the courtyard where he fell and bruised his arse on a stone jackalope. (_iheartmwpp: I've seen them on two different cartoons. They _have _to be real!)_

Edmund rubbed his sore buttocks as Maugrim led him to the top level of the castle. The slides were initially difficult to climb up after the guy with the suction cups, but lucky for Edmund, he was also Spiderman. Once they reached the top, he was told to wait as Maugrim went off to fetch the Queen. He stared around at the great hall of ice for a moment before his eyes locked on the throne at the end made entirely of thumbtacks.

Glancing around nervously, Edmund approached the dais and sat down, crying out in pain as he was pierced everywhere by tiny little pokers. He jumped out of the chair and noticed the Queen eyeing him with a plastic smile and wide eyes. She was decked out today in an interesting toe-hide dress with a huge, fluffy neck. In her hand, she carried a giant Spoon of Turning (_Raven: Go Dragonlance yet again! Well, actually Tas! Go Tas, I love you!)_

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" she cried, but then realized that he had already seen her. Her face fell in disappointment before she glanced at the throne and remembered her line. "Like it?"

Edmund pouted his lip and shook his head. "No! It poked me in my owie!" he exclaimed pitifully, pointing to his rear.

The Queen smiled. "I thought it might. That's why I really must order a new one. I saw a mahogany throne from Raymour and Flanigans and—" she trailed off as the puppy-man came up and squatted next to the throne. The Queen sighed dejectedly and bunched up her skirts, sitting on her throne with a pained face.

"Tell me, Edmund," she said as she was comfortable enough not to die, "are your sisters deaf?"

"No."

"And your brother. Is he …………………………………………………………..……………………………………………………...…………………………………………………incredibly sexy?"

Edmund rolled his eyes. "Well everyone seems to think so, but I think—"

The Queen stood up abruptly, although she had some difficulty since most of her dress's fabric was stuck to the thumbtacks. "Then HOW DARE YOU COME ALONE????" she roared. The Siberian ferrets' eyes began to glow red and shoot man-killing laser beams everywhere. The puppy-man sighed and idly tilted his head to avoid getting blasted. (_Raven: Haha! Gwendal from Kyou Kara Maou much? Had to do it!)_

Edmund backed up in fright. "I tried—" he stammered.

The Queen's voice dropped to a deadly quiet, quipped tone. "Edmund, I ask so little of you."

"They just don't listen to me!" he insisted feebly.

"You couldn't at least bring your sexy brother," the Queen harrumphed.

"I did bring them halfway. DAM, they're at the little house at the DAM, with the beavers."

"DAM!" The Queen echoed, thoughtful for a moment. "Well, I suppose you're not a completely stupid, brainless, slow, thick, hopeless, dim-witted, worthless, pathetic, mindless, foolish, moronic, useless, wimpy, thoughtless, idiotic, tree-hugging, sissy, loser, are you?"

"Well I was wondering," Edmund asked hesitantly, stepping forward. "Could I… maybe have some more…raw meat on the cob now?"

The Queen glared at him before turning to the one-eared puppy-man. "Our guest is hungry." She sat back on her throne, wincing, as the puppy-man approached Edmund.

"This way for your ickle snacky-poos!" barked the puppy-man mockingly, picking up Edmund by the scruff of his neck with his teeth and carrying him away.

The Queen smiled to herself before calling to her orange friend. "Maugrim?" The octopus appeared beside her. "You know what to do." Maugrim smiled evilly and then clapped his suction cups together numerous times, calling to his brothers.

Suddenly, dozens of neon octopi seeped through the cracks in the floors…or so it seemed. Maugrim started forward and led them onto the ceiling where they teleported away to find the other children.

_A/N from Raven: Hey there, peoples! How'd you like this one? It might be getting even more random… Thanks to Dawn over the Valley for letting us use your strange-ass dream (the neon-orange octopi!). That was fun…and I must say it was all my other half's brilliance incorporating it into this story. Yay! Over 2000 hits! WOOHOO!!! Oh, and I have a request; I really want to write a story based on song lyrics. Now, it can't be a song that is already a story (like Jack and Diane…I think that's what it's called). It's got to be something with cool lyrics that could be made into an awesome story. I was thinking some of some Evanescence stuff from the CD Fallen, but I don't know. Anybody got any ideas?_


	17. Assault of the Evil Octopi

_A/N: This is probably the most stupid one yet. And that's saying something. Enjoy!_

**Disclaimer: **We do not own the Chronicles of Narnia, nor do we own any ideas that come off the commentary.

Ch 17: Assault of the Evil Octopi! Dun Dun DUN!

"Hurry Mother!" cried Mr. Beaver, crashing into the dam with the other three Pevensies behind him. "They're after us!"

Mrs. Beaver jumped up, putting her hands (paws?) on her hips. "I'm not your mother, I'm your wife, idiot!" She turned around and began to gather some food together.

"What's she doing?" asked Peter incredulously.

"She's gathering some food together, what's it look like?" yelled Mr. Beaver.

"Oh, you'll be thanking me later," answered Mrs. Beaver. "It's a long journey and Beaver starts PMSing when he's hungry."

"I'm PMSing now!" bellowed her husband.

Outside, just beyond the edge of the woods, the octopi began to gather around. Maugrim looked at the hut before turning to his comrades. "Gobble them."

"But I don't have any teeth…" one octopus complained. Maugrim gave him a look and he fell silent.

"Any other complaints?" Maugrim snarled.

"I've been turned into a cow…can I go home?"

"Fine, yes. Anyone else?"

"No," was the resounding reply.

Meanwhile, in the house, Susan had decided to help Mrs. Beaver with her packing. She looked around and spotted a very useful item. "Do you think we'll need this microphone?" she asked the room at large.

Peter rolled his shoulders. "Only if it's karaoke night at the Bitch's place!" he scoffed.

The octopi that remained began battering the poor beavers' dam. There was a shot of the top of the hut, where the octopus digging into the dam was real and the one on top was computer generated. Another shot of the side of it revealed only one CG octopus and the other two were real. They broke into the hut finally, the one coming in first real and the ones behind it were CG, and one was actually a man with tentacle puppet thingies on his arms. Except for the puppets, yay commentary.

Meanwhile, back in the tunnel, the children were racing along behind the beavers.

"Badger and I dug this. Comes out right near the casino," he explained, panting.

"You told me it led to your grandparents'!" Mrs. Beaver shrieked indignantly.

Mr. Beaver shuddered. "Why the bloody hell would I want to go there?" he muttered to himself. Behind him, Lucy stumbled over a clod of dirt and fell to the ground. Her sister immediately stepped on her, squashing her face into the ground. Suddenly, Susan looked up in horror. The others mirrored her expression as they all paused to react to a line not forthcoming.

"Whose line is it?" Peter growled. Susan shrugged, oblivious to Lucy's muffled cries from below her foot.

"Well this is kinda ruining the moment here!" Mr. Beaver added. "The music was fast-paced and everything! A pretty good action sequence, if you ask me."

"We didn't ask you," Mrs. Beaver grumbled.

From down the tunnel, there came a pattering of feet and the octopi chasing them rounded the corner, halting in place at seeing the motionless group. The lead octopus frowned. How that's possible, we don't know.

"What, was there a scene cut?" he demanded, "Did we miss something, or are we still rolling? Why are you just standing there?"

Mrs. Beaver stamped her foot impatiently. "Can you believe the nerve? Someone had a line but they didn't say it!" she fumed.

The octopi were enraged. "We worked so hard on this scene! I mean, the animators animated some of us for a reason here!"

"Maybe we should just go on with it?" Peter suggested. The group turned to him and nodded slowly. The octopi waved goodbye as they headed back out of sight. Susan wasn't so easily dissuaded, however.

"But that line was the most important! Without it, we will never know what's happening!" She shifted her feet and Lucy gasped for air.

"The-they're in…the tunnel!" she wheezed brokenly. Everyone's face echoed horror at her dire words. They would never have guessed!

"Quick, this way!" Mr. Beaver yelled, leading them down the tunnel once more.

"Hurry!" Mrs. Beaver cut in.

"Run!" cried Peter, yanking Lucy to her feet and dragging her.

Mrs. Beaver encouraged them on. "Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick!"

"WE BLOODY GET IT, WOMAN!!" Mr. Beaver screamed back.

The music accelerated with them as they rounded a fierce bend and came face to face with a dead end. Hey, it rhymes.

"You should have asked that nice little naked mole rat we passed for directions!" Mrs. Beaver screeched.

"I don't need directions for a tunnel I helped make!" Mr. Beaver retorted angrily.

"What is it with men and asking for directions?" Mrs. Beaver asked herself. "At least you should have brought a map!"

"There wasn't any room next to the microphones!"

They backtracked and finally came to an exit. They crawled out hurriedly. When they were all out, Mr. Beaver and Peter found a giant spinach-flavored marshmallow to cover the opening.

"Speaking of marshmallows," Peter commented randomly, "I dreamt last night that I ate a giant marshmallow and when I woke up, my pillow was gone. Hmm…?" (_A/N from Raven: That's one of my uncle's favorite jokes. I love it, too! No matter how many times I hear it, it still makes me laugh!)_

Peter was interrupted from his internal musings as he noticed Lucy backing up and tripping over a chair. "Those chairs never even had a chance to live!" Peter cried brokenly, falling to his knees in anguish.

Susan cleared her throat. "Um, Peter? Those are just part of the set. The animals are over there."

The camera turned widely to get a lovely shot of the poor, stone elephants and giraffes. In one corner was a badger, frozen in a look of pure terror. Mr. Beaver gasped and ran right past Badger to the giraffe.

"He was my best mate," he choked emotionally, hugging one of the creature's spindly legs.

Mrs. Beaver approached her husband and put a comforting on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry, dear."

Mr. Beaver sniffed. "Now where am I going to get my illegally pirated DVDs?" he wailed.

"What happened here?" Peter demanded.

Suddenly, out of the shadows padded a fox. "This is what becomes of those who piss off the Bitch by not inviting her to gamble," he explained.

Mr. Beaver clenched a fist and stepped forward furiously. "Take one more step, traitor, and I'll bite your legs off!"

The fox chuckled. "Relax! I'm one of the good guys."

"Yeah? Well you look an awful lot like one of the bad ones!" Mr. Beaver retorted.

"An unfortunate family resemblance. But we can argue coloring later. Right now we've got to skedaddle and do a ho-down."

Peter glanced up as he heard the terrible sound of swishing tentacles. "What did you have in mind?"

The fox looked at him and opened his mouth. "Dah…" he drooled. Peter smacked himself.

_A/N: That's all, folks! By the way, we saw Meet the Robinsons and it was kickass. Just thought you should know. Bye-bye!_


	18. Picasso Fox

_A/N: Probably one of our stupider chapters…yay! And one of our weirder title names...it won't make sense until the end! Sorry for taking so long to update!  
_

Chapter 18: Picasso Fox

The raging octopi burst through hell, snarling and frothing madly. (_A/N: Okay, so this is Raven. This was inserted really randomly just because I typed hole wrong. Thus, it became hell. The end. I had chocolate.)_ Many had experienced terrible suffering in the dark underworld after battling with Satan to the surface. In fact, there were some who lost precious tentacles in the ensuing fight.

Thus, they were quite relieved to fly out of the hole in Narnia, essentially the complete opposite of their previous adventure. Happy places smell like skittles. The octopi slid around the corner and came face to face with all the humans and the fox, drooling still with his mouth open stupidly. The humans glared at him, and then glared at the octopi.

"We're not bloody ready yet!" Peter yelled.

"Go away!" Lucy added. The octopi were very confused for a moment, until Peter took out his ray gun and froze them where they stood. Suddenly, the scene turned into a very bad music video, with Peter as the lead singer. Music came on from the movie "Catch Me if You Can" and they went through the whole artsy chasing sequence (after the octopi unfroze of course) until they were all too tired to go on. Some random set guy mentioned that they should climb some trees or something and the humans went through with his idea.

This time, as the octopi raced around the bend, they came face to face only with the face of a faceless no-no, the fox still drooling. He had the same blank expression on his face and he was in the same spot. Seeing as he was the only there, the octopi started to interrogate him.

"Dah…" the fox said.

Maugrim stepped forward and began to circle the fox menacingly. "Don't pasteurize me!" he warned. "I know where your allegiance lies! We're looking for some purple hairy monkeys."

"Dah…"

Maugrim became angry and pounced forward to wrap a slimy tentacle around the fox's neck. The fox drooled even more and above in the trees, Lucy gasped. Peter slapped her so hard he knocked her off the tree. Thank goodness no one noticed. All Lucy was now was a pair of twitching legs sticking out of the snow. "Your reward is some brains!" Maugrim growled, ignoring everything that just happened. He chuckled. "It's not much, but still. It's better than what you have now! Where are the fugitives?"

The fox hesitated and then sighed dejectedly. "Dah…moon. They ran to the moon.

"Tickle them out!" Maugrim ordered as they threw the fox into an exploding bush and ran off.

The children and the beavers then spent the next forty-seven and a half hours of their lives piecing the fox back together like a jigsaw puzzle. The result was something like Picasso's art. There was a leg sticking out of the fox's forehead, and a tail coming out of his nose. Another leg was poking out of his back and there were eyes behind his head. One ear was underneath his foot and there were whiskers coming out of his arse. Needless to say, it wasn't a pretty picture. Good thing the CG animation crew got right on that. At least they gave him some of his brains back.

The scene miraculously changed to that of a campfire of which they were all seated around.

"They were gambling with Tumnus. The Bitch chewed on them before I did. Ow!" the fox exclaimed as Mrs. Beaver ripped the leg out of his forehead to sew it back on in its correct spot.

"Are you all right?" Lucy spoke up.

"Do I look all right?" he scoffed.

"You look like some deformed, fox manikin a cat might've dragged in."

"Well, the authors did find me in a garbage can and thought to make me act… What gave you that idea?"

"I dunno," she shrugged.

"Stop squirming! You're worse than Beaver on Dress-Up-Like-A-Cow-And-Dance-the-Tango-Day!" Mrs. Beaver declared after the fox began to wriggle beneath her tearing claws.

"Worse day of the year," Mr. Beaver shuddered.

"Thank you for killing me. Now I'm going to run away and scream at the top of my lungs," the fox chirped even though he was a fox.

"You're leaving?" Lucy piped up stupidly, looking at him with fake concern.

"Actually no, I'm just getting up to sit back down," he muttered sarcastically. "It has been a pleasure to be killed by all of you, and an honor, but time is long and Aslan himself asked me to pick up more hotdogs on the way to camp."

"You've seen Aslan?" gasped Mr. Beaver as he gasped and almost choked on a firefly.

"What's he like?" Mrs. Beaver added in wonder, with a wonderful quality to her voice.

"Like a perverted old hermit who likes frogs."

"You've been watching too much Naruto again, haven't you?" Mr. Beaver asked.

The fox hung his head. "Yes, sadly. I really don't have a life anymore. IT'S TAKING OVER MY MIND!!!"

"That would explain a lot…" Susan mumbled in a low voice.

"Yeah, that's probably why you won't be glad to have him by your side in that epic battle this whole movie's leading to," the fox added as an afterthought.

"But we're not planning on fighting in any battle," Susan said, frowning.

"But surely, King Peter, you've read the script? The prophecy says you have to!"

"The prophecy can kiss my hard, white arse!" Peter cried, standing up to do his stripping routine. The sisters whooped and began cheering him on.

"Hold on! There's only a few more lines left!" Mrs. Beaver pointed out. She raised her eyebrows. "After that, we can all the fun we want!" She waggled her eyebrows suggestively. She waved her arms to get the scene moving.

"We can't go to war without you," Mr. Beaver spoke hurriedly and flatly, wanting only the scene to be over.

"We just want our brother back," Peter said, tearing off his finger and chucking it into the fire. (_A/N: It was a stick in the movie, by the way. We just changed it to his finger cuz it's funnier that way.)_

To end the scene, the fox heaved himself to his feet and grotesquely hobbled away.

_A/N: We would like to mention that in no way or form was any animal harmed in the making of this chapter. Seriously, we found the fox like that!_


	19. The New Theme Park

_A/N: And another chapter up. The movie's flying by, literally. It smashed into a window and broke open my face. It kind of hurts. Oh, this is Raven by the way. And everything I just said actually never happened. BUBBLES!! They make me sad because they taste like soap._

Chapter 19: The New Theme Park

Edmund was not having a very fun time being stuck in a giant, floating ice cube. It was rather cold, considering it was a frozen ice cube. In fact it wouldn't be an ice cube if it wasn't frozen. It would be water. It's all a matter of temperature and the different states of water. You see, water can be a liquid, a gas or a solid—DAH BRAINS! Sorry, I was hit in the head by an opossum.

Anyways, Edmund was chillin'. Literally. Frozen in the ice cube near him was a tin plate with a piece of chocolate fudge cake on it. Next to it was a glass of frozen vodka. Edmund was quite disappointed. He tried gnawing at the ice cube so he could maneuver himself over to the food. He grabbed the chocolate cake, took a bite and immediately spit it out in disgust.

"What the bloody hell's wrong with you?" cried an indignant voice. Edmund looked through a crack in the wall and saw a fellow prisoner, a man with goat legs, looking at him strangely. "Why aren't you bloody eating that cake? It's CAKE!!"

"It's gross," Edmund explained.

"You're gross!" the goat-man countered.

"Well you're gross infinity!"

"…Fine, if you're not going to eat that…"

Edmund handed the goat-man his piece of cake. The goat-man then commenced shoving the cake into his face. Edmund grew rather confused, especially as the man took off some frosting and began rubbing it up and down his arms. "What are you doing?" he wondered aloud in abject horror.

"I eat food by sucking it through my pores."

"I…see… You must be Tumnus."

"And you must be Lucy Lulu Lucinda Luna Lucifer Lucius Pevensie's pimp."

"Uh-huh. I'm Edmund."

"You have the same zit, right there," Tumnus confirmed, pointing to Edmund's nose. "Is your sister in the worst possible danger ever? Could she die at any given second? Is she subject to dangers completely unexplainable, such as zombie squirrels, or, dare I say it, exploding cockroaches?"

"Probably," Edmund muttered, almost guiltily.

"Sucks for her then."

Suddenly, there came a sound of whishing footsteps. Up ahead, the gate to the prison magically unlocked and the White Bitch unceremoniously slid through the door on her knees. She tried to stand up, but immediately fell back down, bashing her head on everything and anything and getting her spider-leg dress covered in ice and snow. She smelled like grapefruit. When she finally was able to get her bearings, she stumbled forward and came to stand outside Edmund's cell.

She glared at him. "BANG!" she yelled, to make it sound like the gate opening menacingly. She did that to try to cover up her slipping and dying before, but it didn't really work. "My police ate every bloody square inch of that dam and upchucked on my feet. There were none of your little family's limbs anywhere in the vomit! And my octopi had diarrhea for a week!" The Bitch got into a crane and lifted Edmund up by the collar of his shirt. The crane, by the way, was not a bird.

"Where did they dine? I want to find a good Mexican restaurant to eat at tonight!"

"I d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-_d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d_-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d**-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D**-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-don't know!" (_A/N: It said he was stammering when we put on the subtitles, so we made him stammer prettifully.)_

"Then you are of no further abuse to me." She got out of the crane and raised her Spoon of Turning threateningly

"Wait! The beaver said something about a new theme park opening, called Ass Land!"

"I think you mean the giant lion puppet thingy that's supposed to be God in this world. You know, Aslan?" the Queen pointed out dryly. Then she got excited. "But certainly the Ass Land opening is more important news! We should schedule a trip there this summer!"

"But how can there be a summer if you make it always winter?" Tumnus wondered. The Queen stabbed him with her Spoon of Turning.

"Your smart-assedness reminds me that I wanted to kill your family, Edmund. Where are they and where is Aslan?" she demanded, turning to Edmund again after her fearful close up.

"I…"

"Oh he's an idiot. He doesn't even know what 13 times 20984059810983047198234789018091834 equals 2.727927775 1035. (_A/N: Go ahead and do it if you don't believe us. Yes, we are that lame. And we both hate math! Yay!)_ Everyone in Narnia knows that!" Tumnus quickly spoke up. The Queen stabbed him again a little harder considering she was actually on a cue that time. "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! I want my mommy! I can't call for my daddy though, cause he's a circus freak…"

"My dad's a circus freak too!" Edmund exclaimed.

"Yes, I believe that was established a while ago," the Queen pointed out before growing fierce again. "I said…where is Aslan?"

"I think it's in the entertainment district," Tumnus said through his strange grunts of pain.

The Queen rolled her eyes. "I didn't say Ass Land! I said Aslan! Where is Aslan?" She looked at Edmund. Edmund looked at Tumnus. Tumnus looked at the Queen. The Queen looked at Tumnus. Tumnus looked at Edmund. Edmund looked at his finger. The Queen looked at the wall. Tumnus looked at the gate. The Queen looked at her dress. Ginarrbrik, who was just there, looked at Edmund. Edmund looked at the ceiling. Tumnus looked at the glass of vodka. The Queen looked at Ginarrbrik. "Where is Aslan?" the Queen repeated in irritation.

Edmund looked at Tumnus. Tumnus looked at Edmund. Edmund looked at the Queen. "I…I don't know." Tumnus looked down in relief. "I wanted to see you!" Edmund insisted a second later.

The Queen thought a moment. "GUARD!" she screamed inhumanly.

Michael Jackson entered and struck a pose. "Your majesty?" he said seductively.

The Queen screamed. "AHH!! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE??? I THOUGHT I LOCKED THE DOOR!!"

"You unlocked the door when you said 'bang'," Michael Jackson explained.

"Damn," the Queen muttered, rushing forward and beating up the terrible diva with her Spoon of Turning. After Michael Jackson finally fled for his life, the real guard sauntered in. It was Michael Jackson. The Queen screamed. "I THOUGHT YOU JUST FLED FOR YOUR LIFE?!"

Severus Snape removed his costume. "Sorry. I enjoy the styles of long ago, especially since it goes so well with my hair. And my gargantuan nose too, of course."

"Um…I think you're in the wrong movie."

"Ah, yes, it does seem that way, doesn't it. I guess I'll see you later then. Meet me at Starbucks."

"Seven o'clock?"

"Sharp," Snape confirmed. He then disappeared in a puff of greenish smoke. In walked the real guard this time. It was Michael Jackson.

"OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!" the Queen screeched. Her guard took off his costume. It was actually Michael Jackson underneath. The guard then removed that costume, prompted by the Queen's rage.

"Sorry, just messing with you," said Michael Jackson.

"WTF??????"

The guard then removed his third costume. He was actually—

"Bloody hell, just stop it already!" the Queen fumed. The guard finally relented and turned into that ugly froggy thingy with the really low voice.

"Your Majesty?"

"Release the faun," she commanded.

The thingy grunted. "Grunt," he grunted. The guard hammered some spikes into Tumnus's legs and made the faun stand up.

"Where are we going?" Tumnus asked.

"To Ass Land. We won't be seen for awhile. Might as well kill some time, ya know?" the guard said. Tumnus readily agreed.

"Do you know why you're here, faun?" The Queen piped up.

Tumnus glanced up. "Because I believe in free kids' meals at McDonalds."

"You're here because he," the Queen pointed at Edmund, "turned you in, for coupons to Walmart." Tumnus looked horrified.

"But the prices can't be beat!" Edmund hurried to explain. Tumnus still looked sad but then shrugged.

"Always low prices," he muttered forlornly.

"Always," Edmund agreed.

"Why is this turning into a Walmart commercial?" the Queen demanded.

The guard shrugged. "I don't know. Let's go to Assland already!"

"Oh, alright!" the Queen said. They exited, leaving Edmund to sulk in the background.

"I wanted to go to Ass Land," he said to himself.

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Woot! Go me making Michael Jackson pop up everywhere! Oh, and I had thought of something a while back, for when the four of them are back together and hanging out in the camp area thingy. I thought that there could be a musical interlude of sorts. I already thought of some pretty decent stupid songs, but other recommendations are always helpful. So if you have any ideas for really dumb songs that you think would work in Narnia, please mention them in your reviews._


	20. Attack of the Rhymes Limes Dimes Mimes

_A/N: So sorry that we haven't updated in five thousand years! We were essentially lazy, although we did have to study for a humongous test for college credit in the future (an AP test…U.S. History…blech!). More shuddering…that was horrible to take, but at least it's done now. So here's an extra long chapter to make up for the wait! _

_Update as of July 19, 2007: This has been corrected and properly formatted. It should be easier to read now. Plus, we added a disclaimer! Yay disclaimer! And now, the disclaimer!_

**Disclaimer: **We own nothing from the _Chronicles of Narnia, Naruto: The Abridged Series, _or _Kingdom Hearts._

Chapter 19: Attack of the Rhymes-Limes-Dimes-Mimes-AHHH!!

Meanwhile, on a dangerous cliff face, a small figure named Pippin was pippinly climbing a mountain named Pippin Mountain in order to alert Pippin's Rohan that Pippin's Gondor needed help fighting that evil guy thing that kind of controlled the world. The director then realized he was shooting the wrong movie and quickly made the proper adjustments.

Uh...let's start again. Ahem.

Meanwhile, on some random cliff elsewhere, the three coolio Pevensies and the beavers had managed to climb up and goggle out at the world of Narnia. They goggled and goggled, their eyes nearly bursting out of their heads. Their mouths hung open listlessly, collecting a pool of saliva that dripped on the ground and grew giant beanstalks (that appeared later in the story for some random purpose).

As the children stared off into space, their minds melting out of their ears like goo, Mr. and Mrs. Beaver quickly made sandwiches.

"IAnflkenaioAnimerocksknalnk,ankl,dnoiAlkjnelhFruitsBasketiscool;iopfjlablf.am.LKDNAngel'scooltooklfmnandNaruto,mndiojd.fmkldjoe," said Mr. Beaver with his mouth full. This translated to something along the lines of: "Now, Aslan's camp is near the Pewter Toilet, just across the Giant River of Jello."

"Mmm…jello," Peter drooled.

Mrs. Beaver glanced at him. "lkaneoifSasukeandKyokickassnlkeaniofdjakldfjniosjl. KleYuriandDaisukearedumbthoughaoienaflknefio; anlkenaiorjfnleknoi." This meant: "Oh, the river's been turned into blue raspberry jello and has remained that way for a hundred years now. Apparently, the Bitch likes that flavor a little too much."

Peter and his siblings goggled at the vast, computer generated landscape.

"Narnia!" Peter cried.

"Narnia!" Susan echoed.

"Narnia!" Lucy called in awe.

"It's only a model," Mr. Beaver hissed under his breath. The siblings fell to goggling again as Mrs. Beaver landed a savage blow to her husband's groin. He went down cursing.

Peter stared out at the green screen, remarking at the world's size. "It's so incredibly miniscule. I can pick it up and squish it in my hand if I wanted to, like this rock here." Peter demonstrated his talent by crushing a pebble with his fist.

Susan was impressed. "Wow, you actually did something cool!"

"Actually well…it was a dirt clod," Peter admitted with a sheepish smile.

Lucy, who had been eavesdropping on her brother and sister's conversation, grew angry at her brother's weakness. She reached into her pocket and withdrew a rake which she commenced beating people on the head with. Unfortunately, she was blinded by her rage and attacked anything that moved. That included her siblings, the beavers, the trees, small woodland creatures, the air, and the Easter Bunny. It was a hopeless struggle against her madness, and when she was finally overcome, carnage littered the stage.

"It's the world, dear." Mrs. Beaver strained, her whole body trembling madly as she fought to continue the scene. "Did you think it would be small? Or something…"

"Yes, actually I did think it would be small," Peter answered through his pain. "Hence me crushing it in the palm of my hand!"

"Ah, touché!" Mrs. Beaver replied.

Susan shakily rose to her feet. "Although it would kind of help with the acting if we knew what the hell we were looking at," she commented.

"Ah, touché!" Mr. Beaver said. His wife gave him a look and he fell silent.

* * *

Back at the Bitch's place, the puppy dog man was carrying Ed in his mouth again, this time into the main hall where all the prettiful statues were. Edmund gasped in horror as he noticed the kitty cat still there. Oh, and Tumnus was there too, as a recent addition. Edmund finally noticed him and burst out laughing. "Wow, that sucks for you! I'd hate to be the guy that betrayed you! Oh wait…uh…oops. Why are there so many dots in this chapter?"

"Come on, come on, we don't have all day here!" the Queen shouted as Edmund and the puppy dog man drew near. On this particularly lovely day, the Queen was decked out in a dress made entirely of spider legs. It was quite revealing, and Edmund almost gagged out his lunch of fried butterscotch peanuts.

Seconds later, Jadis, Edmund and the puppy dog man were all shoved together on a gigantic Monopoly board, with the various pieces pulling them. The dog was a little better at pulling than the iron, and the thimble and car were in a race to the death. They carried the board quickly across the snow-covered plain. The Queen leaned back in comfort, snorting down at Edmund who was squeezed into a ball at her feet in the jail corner of the monopoly board. He looked rather pitiful.

And now back to the people who actually matter. Well, kinda.

* * *

The three Pevensies and the two beavers had already made quite a bit of progress across the plains. (They had hitched a ride on a passing ant to get a few feet from where they started). Mr. Beaver, who, along with his wife, was well in the lead, glanced back at the lagging humans.

"Come on, humans! While we're still young," he called back, which was quite ironic considering he was well over one hundred years old himself.

Peter frowned. "If tells us to hurry one more time, I'm gonna turn him into a melon with wings!"

"Hurry up, come on!"

Peter stopped frowning to grin maliciously. "Finally!" he breathed, pulling out a gigantic key from his pocket. Yelling foreign words, Peter held the key aloft as it lit up and then sent the light in Mr. Beaver's direction. The light immediately blinded everyone, and when it was gone, Mr. Beaver had quite pathetically reduced to a watermelon with wings.

"Mmm...watermelon!" Peter drooled with a sudden craving. Mr. Beaver flew into his wife's arms for safety as Mrs. Beaver glared at Peter. He sighed forlornly and dropped back to where his siblings had paused.

Suddenly, the expression on Mrs. Beaver's face changed to one of pure terror. "No! Behind you! It's her!" she yelled dramatically.

"Who is she talking about?" Susan wondered as Peter grabbed her hand. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

"I dunno. Let's run for fun!" Peter declared.

"And get baked in the sun?" Lucy added excitedly.

"I'll eat a cinnamon bun and be done!" Peter interjected.

"You two are so stupid!" Susan muttered. "I'll get you with my water gun!" She pulled a water gun out of her ear and began to squirt her siblings mercilessly.

"Ah no! My dress is homespun!" Lucy cried out as her dress became soaked.

"Don't worry; I have a harpoon gun. I'll hit a homerun!" Peter answered swiftly, planning to avenge his sister by killing his other sister. It was a perfect solution. He fired a harpoon and accidentally struck a passing flamingo. The poor beast was magical though, so it recovered enough to fly into a telephone pole and get electrocuted and resurrected only to get hit by a car, which then caused it to come back to life and manage to crookedly fly away.

"That was weird," Lucy thought aloud. "Piggies!"

So, the siblings and the beavers ran. Unfortunately, they did not realize the size of the set, and continually ran into the walls which were disguised in a bright orange/yellow/red color that blinded all passersby and most of the crew, who were forced to shorten the scene just to get their vision back.

Alas, the Bitch (or what was _supposedly _the Bitch) was getting closer and closer. There were bells on the sleigh that jingled pleasantly, and there was Christmas music playing in the background. All around them were signs of warmth and happiness, but they just didn't get the hint at all.

They all managed to reach the woods days later, and were just as quick to spot a cave to hide in. As if their tracks wouldn't lead the "menacing" figure right to them. Despite this obvious fact, they all huddled close together in fear, hoping desperately to not be caught. They held their breaths and came close to unconsciousness as the figure took quite a long time to notice their footprints and follow them so conveniently to their hiding place. Snow fell from above them as the footsteps paused. A humongous neon sign lit the ground, with the words "It's Father Christmas, you dumbasses!" explicitly written on it. Again, the Pevensies and the beavers did not get the hint. Thus, they waited forever for the person to leave.

When there were no more signs of "danger", Lucy piped up cautiously. "Maybe she's gone."

"Who?" Susan insisted, still confused as to whom they had been running from.

Peter glanced at his sisters, ignoring Susan yet again. "I'll suppose I'll go look," he volunteered hesitantly.

Mr. Beaver grabbed his arm. "No! You're not a crook!"

"But I want to see the brook!" Peter whined.

"I'm reading a great book!" Mrs. Beaver added.

"You know, I'm a great cook!" Lucy said.

"My dream is to be Captain Hook!" Peter cried.

"What the heck is with all the rhyming? And the exclamation points? Seriously!" Susan interrupted.

Peter shrugged. "Well, the authors took long enough to update. They thought to give readers a good show, you know?"

"Don't you dare start rhyming again!" Susan warned, her eye twitching.

"Okay, okay!" Peter held up his hands. "Anyways, where were we?"

"Ah, well…let's see…" Mr. Beaver thought to himself. "Oh! It's my line now! You wanted to go out and get killed, and I say…Well, your corpse can't really fight a war for Narnia, now can it?"

"It could if I came back as a zombie," Peter pointed out.

"Yes, but zombies are generally bad guys, what with the eating of brains and everything."

"Good point."

"I guess I'll go myself then. You're no good to Narnia dead!" Mr. Beaver huffed, standing up. He paused to wait for his wife to stop him, but she was silent. He hesitated a little more and then finally rolled his eyes. He left the cave. There were many tense moments in the celebration that ensued, mostly times when the characters feared Mr. Beaver might return unexpectedly.

Suddenly, dire music began to play. It was the theme from Jaws, and it was more threatening than could ever be possible. They all hunkered down, scarcely moving. There were more footsteps.

Finally, a terrible grating voice broke out, making Lucy shriek and nearly wet herself. The effect on Peter was another story. All we can say is that he refused to talk about it.

"Come out, come out! There's someone here to see ya!" Mr. Beaver called down, poking his head over the entrance. His wife immediately whacked him.

"Don't bloody scare me like that!" she yelled. She began to beat him again with various forest objects, including helpless fluffy squirrels who just wanted to find some nuts. The siblings glanced at each other and emerged together out into the sunshine. Before them stood a sleigh with Father Christmas standing in front of it, looking rather proud that he had successfully nailed a herd of Grandmas on the way to Narnia.

Lucy's face lit up. "Are you Santa Claus?"

"No I'm not! I'm Father Christmas! Didn't you get _any _of the hints in this chapter?"

"Uh…"

"God, you're bloody British! You don't call me _Santa Claus. _That is American!"

"But the authors are American," Susan spoke up.

"Yes, but no one likes them. Doesn't matter anyway. Even though they try to be British, their accents are a disgrace to British people everywhere."

"Oh. Well, are you going to give us our presents now?" Lucy demanded eagerly.

"Why would I give you presents?"

"Because we're special!"

"That's for sure…" Father Christmas muttered to himself. He puffed up his chest. "I suppose I better give you your presents or the plot of this movie would collapse into a black hole of blackness and suck every living thing into it, destroying the world and all the people in it as well as the entire animal population and the rocks, the majestic rocks which will succumb to chaos and turn into the abyss of death."

This statement was greeted by blank faces. "Alright, here's your damn presents!" Father Christmas declared, throwing up his hands.

To Susan, he bestowed a bow and a quiver of arrows as well as a magical ukulele that had the power to summon bottled water in any circumstance.

To Peter, he bestowed a sword and a shield made entirely of cardboard. This would kind of screw him over in the battle later in the movie, but Peter didn't have to worry about that right then. He took the sword and shield solemnly. Once in his hands, he cast the shield aside and eyed the glittering cardboard weapon.

"I've got a sword!" he cried out happily. He angled the blade down and actually managed to stab himself through the gut. He fell to the ground, writhing, while his sisters glanced at the bent cardboard sword and wondered how any of this was possible. But, thanks to the magic of Father Christmas, Peter was revived, everyone's memories were deleted and the scene started over again.

This time when Peter received the sword…he stabbed himself again. Father Christmas slapped himself. The scene started again…and resulted in the same way. Finally, after much frustration, Father Christmas gave Peter a leaf. In this way, he could not possibly manage to kill himself. Sadly, Peter stuffed the leaf into his nose and mouth to taste it and suffocated. Father Christmas, infuriated, brought Peter back to life once more, gave him nothing, shoved a pouch of liquid and a small dagger at Lucy and went off in his sleigh.

The Pevensies waved goodbye as Peter wondered where his other present was. He heard a snap to his left and turned to see Lucy chugging the liquid Father Christmas had handed her.

"Lucy, what are you doing?"

"What? It's apple juice!"

Susan rolled her eyes. "Great, Lucy, just great. Now how are we going to save Edmund later in the movie?"

There was a reversed role, and suddenly it was Peter that was confused. "Wait…who's Edmund?"

"You know…the maniacal one?" Susan offered.

"Lucy?"

"No, Peter. Lucy's a girl."

"Edmund's a girl?" Peter cried out in surprise. Susan smacked herself and vaguely wished she had received a sword instead of a bow and arrow so that she could stab herself and avoid the frustration. Although she soon found out that arrows worked just as well…

* * *

"So…" Peter spoke up a little bit later as the Pevensies just stood there wondering what to do. "Father Christmas said that winter was almost over."

"No he didn't," Lucy replied.

"Well," Peter stammered. "He did in the movie. We'll just have to say it so that the plot continues. We don't want the plot of this movie to collapse into a black hole of blackness and suck every living thing into it, destroying the world and all the people in it as well as the entire animal population and the rocks, the majestic rocks which will succumb to chaos and turn into the abyss of death."

"That's true," Susan murmured in agreement.

"You know what that means?" Peter said a second later. Susan and Lucy stared at him, waiting for him to explain. "No more jello."

Dun Dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_A/N: Thanks to Emiko87 for beating people with rakes and another person who gave us their dream for the magical ukulele that summons bottled water. Yeah um…we lost your reply or whatever, so whoever you are, thank you! Oh, did anyone get our subliminal Anime reference in the beginning? _


	21. Boiling Lava, AND DIE!

_A/N: Warning: this is a bit insane. But then again, when is it not? We had Starbursts, so just be prepared for the worst!_

**Disclaimer: **We do not own the Chronicles of Narnia. If we did, we would kind of not be living right now.

Chapter 21: Boiling Jello. AND DIE!

Peter, Susan, Lucy and the beavers halted in their tracks as they stared down a huge green screen at what the director told them would be a river of wiggling jello and a frozen waterfall.

"OH NO! THE JELLO IS WIGGLING AND DIE!!" Lucy cried out in dismay.

"It must be springtime, AND DIE!" Susan surmised. Mr. Beaver gave her an odd look.

"We have to cross, now, AND DIE!" Peter said firmly.

"Don't beavers make muffins AND DIE?" Lucy piped up, as if that would help their situation.

"Not the jazz muffins, AND DIE!" Mr. Beaver answered savagely. Lucy wondered vaguely where she had put her rake…

"Come on, AND DIE!" Peter insisted, yanking Lucy forward and accidentally propelling her over the side of the cliff. She landed in a puff of snow far down below. Peter smiled sheepishly. "Oops…AND DIE!"

"Wait! Will you just think about this for a minute AND DIE!" Susan spoke up in irritation.

Peter turned to her. "Oh, that's really nice AND DIE!"

"Why do you keep saying 'and die' AND DIE!"

"I don't…really know…AND DIE!"

"Well, maybe we should just not talk AND DIE!"

"We're kind of making a movie AND DIE! We can't just not talk AND DIE! And anyways, we don't have time to waste AND DIE!" Peter pointed out.

"I'm just trying to be realistic AND DIE!"

"No, you're trying to be a smartass. As usual…AND DIE!"

"Okay, we really need to stop saying 'and die' now…AND DIE!" Susan muttered. "Can this scene just bloody end now…AND DIE?" Susan rolled her eyes as she heard howling. "Thank god AND DIE!"

* * *

Back in the woods somewhere, some of the Queen's octopi had discovered the little grotto the Pevensies and beavers had hidden in previously. The octopi howled angrily at missing the little children, hoping that they would get a chance to munch on some cobwebs later. Oh, and there was also a scene showing Edmund amazingly STILL in the Queen's nasty, pasty, gnarly, dry-y clutches! Just to remind the stupid people out there where Edmund actually was. Even though he didn't matter at all.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Pevensies and beavers were grunting as they climbed down the side of the snow-covered, extremely dangerous cliff of death. Well, actually Lucy was already at the bottom. She was waiting with a chain saw as her siblings slowly descended.

"Argh AND DIE!" Peter groaned as he struggled down the mountain.

"Ugh AND DIE!" Susan echoed similarly.

As they continued downwards, the group decided to break the 'AND DIE' business by screwing with the authors and talking through sign language, which they of course inherently knew. But, they didn't have dialogue yet, so they had to wait and see if it worked or not…muahahahahahah!

Finally, they all made it down to the shore of the river. Mr. and Mrs. Beaver successfully tackled the maniacal Lucy to the ground, shoving the chainsaw in their pockets to use later, because they somehow had pockets in their fur. Having been deprived of homicide, Lucy was reduced to pouting forlornly, her little game all gone.

The others looked on fearfully as the jello wiggled and made menacing cracking noises for some odd reason. They then realized someone off screen was cracking peanuts with a mallet, disrupting what was so scary a scene. That person was immediately sacked and replaced with a potato, who directed the rest of the shoot.

Daring Peter bravely pushed Mr. Beaver out first to test the wiggling jello. Mr. Beaver carefully balanced his way across, slapping it with his tail because he was badass.

"You've been sneaking seventy-second helpings, haven't you?" Mrs. Beaver signed desperately. She sighed in relief when the 'AND DIE' didn't happen again, until her fingers subconsciously moved and she had signed the horrid phrase. She covered her face with her hands and wept.

Mr. Beaver decided to try his luck. "Well, you never know which meal's gonna be your last," he signed "especially with your cooking!". Then, a moment later, "AND DIE!"

The Pevensies hung their heads and decided to commit suicide by walking across the wiggling jello behind the beavers. It was too painful to bear!

Susan huffed indignantly. _If Mum knew what we were doing, _she thought, _AND DIE! _"Nooo!!" she screamed, dropping to her knees in despair. "AND DIE!" she whimpered not a second later.

The others glanced back at her and then frozen gelatin rained down at them from the frozen waterfall.

"Oh no. AND DIE!" Lucy said without emotion. Inside she hoped that the octopi running above them across the wiggling jello would come and just eat them now. Luckily, the octopi cornered them from behind and they were forced to halt in place. Mr. Beaver was the first to attempt suicide, growling at the octopi and consequently getting smashed to the ground and held in place by their thrashing tentacles. "Peter, AND DIE!" Lucy got her brother's attention.

Peter noticed Mr. Beaver and ground his teeth. _Lucky bastard, _he thought, _AND DIE!_ With a renewed burst of energy, he withdrew his sword and pointed it at himself.

"Put that down, boy, AND DIE!" Maugrim snarled as he padded forward toward them, even though he was an octopus. He frowned. "What the hell? AND DIE!"

"Now do you understand?" Mrs. Beaver said miserably. "AND DIE!"

"No…I…er…someone could get hurt. AND DIE!" Maugrim tried, confused.

"Don't worry about me AND DIE!" Mr. Beaver supplied.

"Oh we won't! AND DIE!" Susan bellowed angrily at him, jealous.

"Leave now while you can, and your brother leaves with you," Maugrim attempted, unsure. He grinned and then gasped. "AND DIE! What is going on? AND DIE!"

"That's what we'd like to know, AND DIE!" Lucy said sadly.

"I don't understand this at all. AND DIE!" Maugrim complained. "Why, authors, why???? AND DIE!"

"Join the club, AND DIE!" Mrs. Beaver muttered.

Just then, before Peter could successfully stab himself yet again, the jello began to wiggle even faster. All the people and animals on it were thrown off balance as they jolted around.

"Oh no. AND DIE! The waterfall's melting. AND DIE!" Lucy said, deadpan.

And that's just what happened. As the molten jello broke free of its frozen constraints, Peter somehow remembered what he did in the actually movie. He stabbed his sword into…well, if he stabbed it into the jello it would just sink all the way through and it'd just be pointless. Thank goodness there was a turtle swimming through the jello at exactly that moment (?). Peter stabbed down and managed to get his sword stuck in the turtle's shell, saving his sisters and the beavers who joined them later. The octopi were swept away, never to be seen again until later in the movie.

They eventually washed up on shore. Peter and Susan crawled onto the bank, sopping wet.

"God, I am so hot when I'm wet," Peter said to himself. Susan widened her eyes in amazement. "What? What's the matter?"

"We're…we're speaking normally!" Susan exclaimed in wonder. There was much rejoicing.

"Oh, um, by the way, where's Lucy?" Mrs. Beaver brought up.

Peter smiled happily. "Lucy? Ah, oh well. She probably drowned."

"Yes!" Susan yelped excitedly, high-fiving a nearby tree.

"Has anyone seen my coat?" wavered a voice.

"Oh bugger!" Susan swore, seeing Lucy come into view shivering.

"You know, I'm pretty surprised we don't actually have hypothermia right now," Peter surmised.

"How can we can get hypothermia from jello?" Susan pointed out. "Especially 'molten jello'? That kind of gives the illusion of searing, burning heat."

Peter shrugged. "Well, then what was the turtle doing swimming in the jello?"

"I'm over here, you limey fruitcake!"

Peter turned around to see the turtle standing behind him with his sword still jammed in its shell. "Oh, hello Mr. Turtle!"

"I think you should be apologizing now! It doesn't exactly feel very pretty with a sword stuck in my spine!"

"Well, what we were doing in there?" Peter retorted.

"Apparently getting stabbed and almost killed by YOU!"

"Oh well…sorry about that then!" Peter simpered, ripping out the sword as the turtle yelled in pain. "There you go! Back into the molten jello for you!" Peter said gallantly as he pushed the turtle back into the boiling jello. He screamed in pain, but the others ignored him completely.

"I'm a little cold," Lucy said, despite having come out of the boiling jello. "Can I have my coat now, Peter?"

"No, piss off," Peter answered harshly.

"WAHHH!!!" Lucy whined.

"I don't think you'll be needing those coats anymore, HAIRY SQUASH OF DOOM!" Mrs. Beaver brought up.

"Why did you just say 'hairy squash of doom' HAIRY SQUASH OF DOOM?"

"Oh damn the authors, HAIRY SQUASH OF DOOM!" Susan muttered fiercely, raising her fist to the sky.

* * *

"I've just been stabbed by your actor!" the turtle protested to the director Andrew Adamson.

Andrew shrugged. "Terribly sorry for the inconvenience. He is rather an unpredictable sort."

"Unpredictable, eh? Well I'll say! Ramming his sword through my spine!"

"And suing is more important than treating your mortal injury?" Andrew wondered vaguely.

"Well…yes. I should probably just go to the hospital. I suppose…I'll just go…now…"

"Bye Mr. Turtle!" Andrew waved, pushing the turtle back into the boiling, hairy, lava jello.

_A/N: Sorry for being a bit annoying, but it made it funny…right? RIGHT??? (sob) I just wanted to be cool! Not like the boiling jello…AND DIE! HAIRY SQUASH OF DOOM!! Go crappy catchphrases. Except not. Believe it! Dattebayo! Man, what a drag. Y'know? D'oh! Excellent. It's time to duel! FRIENDSHIP! Gotta catch 'em all! (We do not own Naruto, the Simpsons, Yugioh or Pokemon, nor would we actually want to. Except the Simpsons. Yeah, that's about it)_


	22. The Mountain of Cheese

_A/N: Okay, we have some slightly valid excuses for being late this time. One, my (iheartmwpp's) Internet was completely down, and this computer was the one that had the file on it. And also, the excuse that's all the rage these days, we had finals. But now, school is finally out! Yay! I totally threw out all my notes once each final was done. WOOT! NO MORE SCHOOL! And it's my birthday! Yay go me! Okay, moving on to something you actually care about now…_

**Disclaimer: **We own nothing from the Chronicles of Narnia, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Harry Potter, Dragonlance, Monty Python or Bobobo-bobo-bobo. (shudders)

Chapter 22: The Mountain of Cheese

"And I don't think you'll be needing those coats anymore, said Mrs. Beaver, pointing behind them. The three humans stared at the scenery behind them and were forever remembered in the Guinness Book of World Records as having the longest reaction shot in film history. Everywhere, the fake snow was slowly starting to disappear. The children walked through the woods, eventually leaving their coats behind as the winter finally ended. Everywhere they looked they could see signs of spring. Leaves were growing on trees and flowers were blooming all over the place. All the happy little elves came out of their 192,721,652,769,843 year hibernation and began to sing.

_Bum buttery, flit fluttery  
Dum diddly-ooh  
Bum Buttery, bluebird  
Is singing a tune.  
Daffy-down-dillies awaken  
And prune  
Bursting in bloom  
All the flowers assume  
It's a loverly, loverly spring.  
Chit-chattery chipmunks  
All singing along,  
Humming their  
Join-in-a-spring-along song.  
Spring is the springiest time  
For a song  
It's a loverly, loverly spring._

_In the forest we play  
With the rabbits all day—_

_We visit the birdies and fishes  
There's nary a care when there's spring in the air  
The feeling is just to deliscious  
Bum Buttery buttercups all in a row  
Trilling and frilling and stealing the show  
May is merriest month that I know  
It's a loverly loverly la la la loverly la la la loverly spring!_

After the song ended, the elves went to join their brethren in the kitchen at Hogwarts, seeing as how they hadn't eaten in 192,721,652,769,843 years.

Susan raised an eyebrow. "Wait a minute. Weren't we going to save all the dumb songs for later in the story?"

Lucy shrugged. "I guess the authors just thought it felt right. Besides, it was still May when they started writing this a month ago, so it makes even more sense."

"Can we get on with the plot, already?" asked Mr. Beaver.

Peter gasped. "This movie has a plot?"

* * *

The Bitch, Edmund, and the one-eared puppy man stared at the waterfall. It really was water now, and no longer molten jello. The dog guy yawned. "It's so warm out," he barked, shedding his fur and growing a new coat. 

The Bitch gaped at him. "How did you do that?"

"Oh, I'm part snake; my great-grandfather was one."

"Sorry I asked. Now go check the sleigh."

"Why?"

"Because you're cutting into our screen time. Get lost!"

"Oh. Okay." The puppy guy went off-screen, and there was much rejoicing.

"Your Majesty," said a voice from behind them. Maugrim came up along with five other octopi, one of them carrying the deformed fox in its tentacles. "We found the traitor," continued Maugrim. "He was playing videogames with your enemies near the Shuddering Woods."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," interrupted Edmund. "How the hell can woods shudder?"

The octopus shrugged. "I dunno, I didn't write the script." He motioned to the octopus holding the fox, and it instantly chucked the fox into the air. The fox landed with a happy splat on the soil.

"Nice of you to drop in," the Bitch commented slyly, very happy to say a line that almost made sense.

"That was an unnecessarily bad pun," the fox replied awkwardly, considering that his face was smashed into the ground. The Bitch ripped out a ferret from her head and hurled it at him.

"Ow."

"You were so helpful to my octopi last night—" The Bitch broke off her speech as some of the octopi began to snigger. She threw her hands up in the air. "IT'S SARCASM!! Now get your minds out of the gutter!!" She tore down the gutters from her castle, decapitating several octopi as she launched it over the mountains and into a random town in New Zealand, squishing some unfortunate passersby.

"Wait, how is it possible to throw something onto Earth when we're in Narnia?" Edmund wondered.

"Because you touch yourself at night. Now SHUT UP!!" the Bitch shouted angrily, hence the yelling. "Anyways, you stupid fox, perhaps you can help me now."

"And why the hell would I do that?"

"Uh…because I'll give you a reward or something. A mountain of cheese, perhaps?"

"Who'd want a mountain of chee—sign me up!!! Okay, what do you want to know?" the fox asked, sitting up eagerly.

The Bitch sighed in exasperation. "How could you possibly fall for such a stupid temptation—oh my god a mountain of cheese!! Sweet!!"

"Did someone say cheese?" Edmund demanded, running and skipping around in excited circles.

"CHEESE!! Are you kidding me? This ROCKS!! Now I know why I made this movie!" Andrew Adamson came careening onto the scene, demanding his mountain of cheese. It was then that the writers made clear the fact that the actors suck and had made up practically all the script in this scene. Andrew Adamson was quick to fire them all, before being reminded that if he didn't have actors, he wouldn't be able to make a movie. He personally did not care, considering there was no mountain of cheese involved whatsoever and that made him very sad. But alas, the movie continued with much bribery and countless hours of pointless cutscenes.

"Forgive me, your Majesty," the fox spoke up regretfully, feeling silly that he had succumbed to such easy persuasion. "My soul was weak and has an abnormally large soft spot for cheese."

"I gathered that somehow…" the Bitch muttered.

"Uh, I was talking to Edmund actually. Piss off!"

"WhaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA???" the Bitch turned to Edmund in shock. "You? YOU? I don't get it." She shrugged and removed the Spoon of Turning from her pocket, pointing it threateningly at the fox. "Where are the humans headed?"

"Well, their heads are going in one direction and their bodies are going in another. Haha…I made a joke!"

"That was the lamest joke I've ever heard! Now tell me or I'll eat your brains!"

"But won't you do that anyways?"

"Um…yes, but that's not the point!"

"You know what? I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

The Bitch narrowed her eyes. "Hey! Leave my parents out of this!" The fox responded by blowing a raspberry at her, which hit her in the eye and blinded it with raspberry juice. "Damn literalness!" the Bitch swore, dabbing at her eye with a safety pin. "These really aren't safe at all…" she thought to herself as she somehow managed to injure her eye even further. By this time, the fox was laughing and Edmund was picking his nose. The Bitch decided to turn on the fox first. "That's it! I've had it! I'm going to force you to watch Bobobo-bobo-bobo for your insulance!"

Edmund gasped. He wouldn't wish that on even his worst enemy…the GRAHAM CRACKER OF DEATH!! "No! I can't let you go through with that torture! The beaver said something about the Pewter Toilet, and Aslan flushing his army through it…or something!"

"Aslan is flushing an arm down the Pewter Toilet?" the Bitch repeated in disbelief.

"No, not an arm! An army! And yes, they are being flushed down the Pewter Toilet, you albino creampuff!"

"How DARE you!" the Bitch screeched.

The fox smacked himself in his already squashed face. "Dude, you like, weren't supposed to tell her that!"

Edmund blinked. "Yeah I was. How else would the battle take place?"

The Bitch smiled sickeningly. "Why thank you, Edmund, at least this…squashed marmoset—"

"Fox!" the fox corrected indignantly.

"This squashed FOX will see some honesty before he gets EATEN BY MANATEES!! Muahahahahaha!!"

"Oh poopie," the fox said, as his terrible fate was sealed.

"Whoops," Edmund gulped. The Bitch turned to her and began to beat Edmund senselessly. "What was that for?" Edmund cried as he clutched his bleeding gums.

The Bitch shrugged. "Think about whose side you're on, Edmund. Raw meat…" She pinched his chin and made him look down at the fox getting devoured by manatees. "Or that…thingy and stuff?"

"I thought manatees were friendly!" Edmund whined.

"Not in Narnia," the Bitch said, grinning maliciously.

"Okay, I'll have to give this some serious thought. I know whose side I'm on!"

"Not yet, stupid! Now, dear octopi, go on ahead and gather the other random bad guys. If it's a war Aslan wants…" she muttered, viciously stabbed a passing boulder with her Spoon of Turning, turning into spaghetti which she immediately slurped up, "…it's a war he shall get!"

_A/N: Heh, the Python reference goes even further, considering my dad got me the Spamalot soundtrack for my birthday. We will try to update more often from now on. No, really, we will. Stop laughing, we mean it!_


	23. The Chapter That Started It All, AHHHHH!

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Oh wow, we finally got to the first chapter that I actually wrote! Score! I mean, the second half of this chapter where Aslan actually starts talking to the three children has been on paper for about a year now, if you can believe that. I suppose that this is the chapter that started it all…_

**Disclaimer:** We own nothing from _The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe._

Chapter 23: The Chapter That Started It All...Dun dun DUN!!!

The centaur blew his horn as the three Pevensies walked towards Aslan's camp. Lucy, glancing behind her, noticed a clump of bees flying together into a giant fist. She smiled and waved happily at them as they charged straight for her. She suddenly realized their awful intent and pulled out a nifty butterfly net she kept safe for such occasions. The bees however were much more intelligent than she was, and avoided the pathetic net she swung at them desperately. There was a terrible yell and then silence. Susan nor Peter seemed to care that much, and after magically healing all of her stings, Lucy was quick to catch up to them.

Peter, Susan, and Lucy all exchanged glances as they entered the camp. All around them were groups of fawns, centaurs, and animals of all kinds, all of which weren't real, but no one told the children that so they were convinced that they had just walked into some weird-ass Narnian zoo. As they walked further in, the Pevensies noticed that the animals were getting ready for a huge Lord of the Rings party, as they were all getting their armor and weapons adjusted. It was as if they were actually getting ready for a battle, but that was ridiculous, seeing as the director had convinced the children that the battle had been cut out so they would stay on the film. Of course, he had also promised the children candy, and they hadn't seen any of that yet.

Susan noticed that all of the make-believe animals were staring at the children. "Why are they all staring at us?" she wondered aloud.

Lucy giggled. "Maybe they think _you_ look funny."

Susan momentarily panicked. "Oh my God, you're kidding me, right? I mean, I can't look _that _bad, I _knew_ that I shouldn't have eaten that guacamole and chocolate sauce over at the beavers' three days ago, but I haven't eaten anything since then, do you think that'll be all right?"

Lucy and Peter just realized that they hadn't eaten in several days either, and nearly passed out from a sudden rush of hunger.

Meanwhile, Susan was still talking. "And I haven't used any make-up at all since we got to Narnia, and I just _know _that I have a miniscule zit underneath my eyebrow hair where no one could possibly see it, oh, _everyone's _going to notice and think I'm ugly, and we're all still covered in Jello…"

"Well that explains the monkeys coming up and sucking on our shirts," muttered Peter, trying to get one of the orangutans off him and failing miserably. Lucy was having similar trouble with a couple of chimpanzees, while Susan was completely oblivious to the lemurs running all over her in her rant.

In the meantime, Mrs. Beaver was trying to brush her fur down to make herself more presentable. "Oi," said Mr. Beaver, "stop your fussing. You look appalling." Mrs. Beaver beat up her husband for a bit before dragging him behind her after the humans.

As they neared the far end of the camp, they noticed a very sexy centaur standing beside a tent covered with pictures of Tinker Bell. Peter stared at this centaur. Could it be possible that they had hired an actor that was sexier than he was? (He hadn't met Mr. Tumnus at this point.) He unsheathed his sword in warning to the centaur, as if daring him to try anything, but covering it by saying, "We have come to see Aslan."

The centaur turned to the tent and bowed. The children glanced behind them and saw that everyone else in the camp was bowing as well. They turned back to the tent just in time to see a magnificent lion stepping out of it. The children bowed as well.

"Welcome Peter, Son of Adam," said Aslan to Peter. "Welcome Susan and Lucy, Daughters of Eve," he added, this time at the two sisters. He then addressed the beavers. "And welcome to you, Beavers." The beavers looked at each other and smiled, Mrs. Beaver punching Mr. Beaver in the face before turning back to Aslan.

Aslan looked back at the humans and smiled. He continued smiling for several hours. Everyone in the camp was starting to get serious neck cramps. Suddenly, Aslan's smile faded. "Wait a moment, where the bloody hell's the fourth?!"

Peter, a little taken aback, stood up, along with his sisters. "Well, that's kind of why we're here, sir," he said. "We need your help."

"What do I look like to you, a bloody miracle worker?" Aslan yelled. "Do you expect me to just solve all your problems for you just like that or something?"

"Well, yes, actually," stammered Peter.

Aslan glared at him. "And why exactly am I supposed to help you?"

Susan spoke up. "We had a little trouble along the way."

Peter nodded. "Our brother's been taken by the White Bitch."

Aslan stared at Peter, then down at the ground. "Oh." There was a pause. The crickets began to feast on the monkeys. Then—"Bugger." He looked back up at the children. "How did that come about?"

"He betrayed them, Your Majesty," said Mr. Beaver. The camp broke out into mutterings behind them.

The centaur, Oreius, was beside himself. He threw his clone over to the other side of the camp before shouting, "Then he has betrayed us all!"

"No shit, Sherlock, did you figure that out all by yourself?" muttered Aslan darkly.

"Yep," stated Oreius proudly.

Aslan rolled his eyes and turned back to the humans. "Is there any particular reason that he betrayed you?"

Now it was Peter's turn to stare at the ground. "It's my fault, really. I was too hard on him."

Susan put a comforting hand on her brother's shoulder and looked back at Aslan. "We all were."

Lucy then spoke up for the second time that chapter. We never should've beaten him on the arse with all of those cricket bats, or repeatedly pulled his trousers down in public, or stolen all of his Care Bears, or—"

"All right, all right, I get the picture," interrupted Aslan, sighing.

"Sir, he's our brother," Lucy continued.

Aslan looked aghast at the youngest child. "Well why in _hell_ did you do all of that stuff to him, then?"

"It was raining and we were bored," said the Pevensies in unison.

"Ah."

_A/N: Raven Wolfmoon: Hahah…iheartmwpp did a good job, didn't she? Let's clap for her, eh? (I'm clapping but you can't see it!) Anyways, this really was the beginning of it all. Ah, good times. I'm pretty sure we're about halfway through the movie now. Stick with us to the end! Muahahahaahaah!!!_


	24. The Giant Popsicle Machine

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Sigh. Getting your wisdom teeth out feels so loverly, doesn't it? Especially the days of pain and swelling coming after it! Yay happyfairies! Yeah, so I thought that the new Harry Potter videogame would keep me from staying too bored while I recover, but I'm already practically done with it! Yeesh. But…now I'm stuck. So if anyone has the PS2 version and knows what to do after you find all of Luna's belongings, that'd be great. And I could probably help anyone who has yet to get to that part if they have any questions. Yeah, so… Here's what you really wanted!_

**Disclaimer: **We don't own anything from _The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe._

Chapter 24: The Giant Popsicle Machine Is Not Even Half of It

Peter stared across the mountains and the ocean at a castle off in the distance. He could just barely make out the shape of it, but unless he was much mistaken, it looked an awful lot like a giant cow. He heard footsteps behind him, and looked to see Aslan coming up to stand beside him. "That is Cow Power, the castle of the four hooves. In which one of them you will be stomped, Peter, as High King."

"Well that sucks," Peter muttered as he stared at the ground, trying to take in this new bit of information about getting jumped on by a giant cow.

Aslan seemed to take Peter's silence as doubt rather than fear. "You doubt the prophecy?"

"Well, duh," said Peter quietly. He turned to the lion. "Aslan, I'm not what you think I am."

"You mean you're really a robot in disguise? You mean you've come to Narnia to take over the planet by gathering information on the life forms and species that coexist peacefully in this unified world???"

"Nnn…no."

"You mean you're actually a mermaid living in a giant fish tank that somehow resembles a human body?"

"Uh…no…"

"Are you saying that you're a werewolf and if it were a full moon right now, you'd dice me up into barbecue-able bits and munch on them until dawn and at least one of the fangirls would love you more than usual?" (iheartmwpp would be that fangirl of course).

"Actually, sir—"

"Are you saying that you are a mutant gopher who wants to chew the world out of existence? I knew those buck teeth were out of line!"

Peter self-consciously felt his teeth. They weren't that big, were they? He suddenly grew terrified. "No!! I mean that's—"

"Are you just telling me that you're Peter Pjetër, P.et.ros, Peio, Peder, Petr, Pieter, Peeter, Pietari, Pekka, Monkey Butt, Petri, Petteri, Pierre, Pathrus, Pétur, Peadar, Pietro, Piero, Petrus, Pēteris, Petras, Pathros, Pietru, Piotr, Piotrek, Pedro, Peer, Pethuru, Raayappar, Pedr Pevensie formerly of Gmtpkvqn?" _(A/N: Raven: How do you like that language blast? That's how to say 'Peter' in over twenty languages! And just a little reminder, 'Gmtpkvqn' means Finchley in the language I created, Numenarkan. Hehehe…)_

Peter gaped at Aslan. "That was completely unnecessary."

"Quite," Aslan agreed. "Oh, and Beaver also mentioned that you turned him into a watermelon with wings."

Peter laughed maniacally at the memory. Aslan waited for him to stop before continuing.

"Peter, there is a Deep Magic, more powerful than any of us, that rules over all of Narnia—"

"Wait, I thought that _you _were the ruler of Narnia."

"Well, not necessarily."

"So then, everything then that everyone has told us then up till now has been a lie, then?"

"You realize that you said 'then' way too many times in that last sentence?"

"Fully aware, thanks."

"Uh…huh…Anyway, the Deep Magic defines right from wrong, and governs all our destinies blah blah blah."

"So we have no choice whatsoever and no power over our own lives at all?"

"Nope."

"Ah. Well that just sucks, too."

"Yep. But now we have to focus on getting Edmund back so we can get on with the bloody story line."

* * *

Meanwhile, Edmund was having the time of his life hitting the puppy dog man on the head with his Whack-a-Mole mallet. He thought for a second that it made more sense for _him_ to be getting whacked on the head instead of the puppy dog man, considering that _he_ was the prisoner after all, but oh well. He was having fun, and that's all that mattered.

The puppy dog man seemed to be getting the worst out of the situation. "Oww!!" he moaned in his barking language. "Please stop! I have a wife and multiple children…beat them instead!!" But Edmund would not heed his pleas. He was enjoying himself thoroughly.

Suddenly, the Bitch walked by. She noticed the state of affairs going on and raised an eyebrow. Edmund paused in midair as he smiled sheepishly at the Bitch.

"What…is going on here?" she wondered aloud, completely stupefied.

Edmund continued smiling and demonstrated his actions by hitting the puppy dog man on the head again. The Bitch looked on curiously as Edmund finally offered her the mallet. With a gleeful shout, she rushed forward and whacked the puppy dog man to her heart's content. Edmund, seeing her distraction (especially since she called everyone over to cheer her on) managed to sneak out of the camp, making a rescue utterly pointless.

Although once he was out of the enemy's camp, the only transportation he could find was through hitchhiking on a family of moles. He shrugged as he climbed aboard.

"Onward ho!" he declared, proud of his intelligence. But then the moles began to burrow underground. Edmund's chest deflated. "Oh…bugger…"

* * *

Susan and Lucy were comparing dresses by the river. Lucy had just said that Susan looked nothing like Mum and that she was probably adopted.

"Mum hasn't had a dress like this since before the war," commented Susan, holding up a dress made entirely of sequins.

"We should bring her one back," suggested Lucy. "A whole teaspoonful!"

"If we ever get back."

"Oh, way to kill the happy mood."

"Well, sorry! Hey, we used to have fun together, didn't we?"

"Yes, before you got bulimic." Lucy started laughing.

"Oh really?" said Susan, laughing as well.

She bent down and started chucking rocks at her younger sister. A second later, they were both throwing boulders at each other, having a marvelous time.

Susan eventually began to get bored, so she went up to get a towel to wipe some of the blood off. As she ripped it down, Maugrim, who had been hiding behind it, growled at her. Both girls screamed.

"Please don't try to run," implored Maugrim. "We're tired—"

"And we prefer to kill you quickly," finished another octopus.

"And that's supposed to make us stay, how?" asked Lucy.

The octopi shrugged, because octopi can shrug.

Susan looked over to where the random props were, and saw her magical ukulele. She rushed over to where it was and played a quick tune. Instantly, a bottle of water appeared. Susan gulped it down thankfully.

Lucy was confused. "Wait, that didn't help our situation at all."

Susan nodded. "I know, but I was thirsty."

"But we need to find a way for Peter to come rescue us! That thing is supposed to call him down here or something! It's completely useless!"

"No it wasn't! My throat was absolutely parched!"

"Well, these guys are about to kill us!"

"Well, I really needed some water!"

"God, could someone just get Peter here already?" shouted the director, getting bored with the pointless argument. One of the runners quickly got up in search for the oldest child.

Once Peter heard what was going on, he immediately took up his sword and ran off to help his sisters. He drew his sword when he arrived at the scene. "It's pretty, look!" he cried, raising up a picture of a stick figure holding a twig that he had just drawn with a marker. Haha…PUN!!!

Maugrim laughed. "That drawing's pathetic, boy."

Peter rolled his eyes. "Everybody's a critic." He then held up his real sword and pointed it at Maugrim.

It was now the octopus's turn to roll his eyes. "We went over this in chapter 21. We both know you haven't got it in you."

As the second octopus tried to jump him, Aslan came seemingly out of nowhere and flattened him. The people following him tried to go after Maugrim. "No," commanded Aslan. "Stay your weapons. This is the part where Peter shows that he's a real man by killing a CG creature that isn't real."

"Oh," said the other not-real creatures as they sat back to watch the fun.

Maugrim laughed. "You think you're a king, but now you're gonna die by a frog!" He then started throwing frogs and toads at Peter.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'LL RUIN MY HAIR!! GET IT OFF!!!" squealed Peter, swatting at the frogs with his sword and sending them all into Maugrim's mouth, which he choked on and died.

"YAYNESS!" yelled the girls, jumping down from the tree and glomping Peter, although he was hardly a hero.

Aslan raised his paw, letting the crushed octopus go. "After him," he said to his army as the octopus dementedly tried to slither away. "He'll lead you to Edmund." The animals hurriedly raced off after the octopus, leaving the children and Aslan alone.

Peter knelt down before Aslan, who took his paw off Peter's shoulder, saying, "I think we should make this scene even cheesier by making you a knight, although it was purely coincidental that the dreaded captain octopus actually died. In fact, it was a miracle. Don't even know why that would be allowed to happen."

"Well, I'm rather sexy, sir."

"And that is supposed to explain it?" Aslan asked in a know-it-all tone.

Peter shrugged. "The fangirls seem to accept it easily enough."

"And these fangirls represent everyone?"

"Yeah. Course they do. See?" Peter pointed to the barrier behind them where a mob of fangirls was desperately trying to get passed a handful of buffed guards barely keeping them at bay. "Andrew Adamson had to cut out some serious character development sequences in order to hire those cops there. Otherwise, we'd probably be killed and trampled."

"Well, _you_ would be. I'm not real though. I'm just a wooden statue-like thingy that kind of resembles a lion, although people seem to enjoy breaking pieces off me and licking them as if I'm a giant popsicle machine. Um…what are you doing?" Aslan glanced down to see Peter gnawing at his shoulder blade.

"Nothing."

"I just said I'm _not_ a giant popsicle machine! Do you have ears???"

"I've got ears. Right there!" Peter replied indignantly, pointing to his nose. "Besides, how do you know you're _not_ a giant popsicle machine?"

"Well, there's the slight fact that I'm MADE OF WOOD AND CG GRAPHICS!!"

"Mmm…tastes like cotton candy," Peter slurped, completely ignoring Aslan's previous comment.

Aslan attempted to bat him off and then surreptitiously licked his paw. "Eh gad! I _do_ taste like a popsicle! That would explain all the people sneaking into my tent…all the time…" He cleared his throat gruffly. "Well, let's get on with the scene, shall we? Rise, Sir Peter Octopus-Bane, Knight of Narnia." Peter smiled at his sisters, then at Aslan. Then he attempted to sheathe his sword, but accidentally cut off his leg instead. Aslan rolled his eyes.

_A/N: Raven: Wow, way for me to add lots of randomness. Hope you enjoyed it! This is basically what results from me having a major sugar fix plus chocolate and iheartmwpp's reliance on vicadin and happy steroids.. Haha…I even forgot to put my car in park when I got home. I just took the key out of the ignition. So, if I had not realized that and turned on the car, it would have gone forward through my garage. Ah, nice, eh?_


	25. Saving Edmund, Kind Of, Except Not

_A/N: OMG, the fifth Harry Potter movie came out today and we're going to see it!!!! We spent the entire day dressing up as various characters. Raven does a very impressive Trelawney, and I passed for Sirius Black. Anyone else going to a midnight party for the last book? I know I am if I can. I'm probably gonna cosplay as Remus Lupin._

**Disclaimer: **We don't own anything from _The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, The Lord of the Rings, _or _Eragon._

Chapter 25: Saving and Beating Edmund

At the Bitch's campsite, there was a lot of action going on. The bad guys were preparing for battle in a style very akin to the first two _Lord of the Rings_ movies, except they weren't cutting down trees that were actually Ents that were actually trees. In fact, one might go so far as to think that this was all a carbon copy of one of the _Lord of the Rings_ movies. Oh wait, that's _Eragon_. Never mind. Moving on…

As everyone else was preparing for the battle, the Bitch was in deep discussion with her head general, a man with the head of a cow, tail of a chicken, legs of an ostrich and arms of a fish (a.k.a. fins). Thus, the man was a Cochickostish. Try saying that five times fast. Basically, he was a freak. They were talking about what they were going to do with the field the battle was going to take place in once they won said battle.

"I'd build a vineyard here," suggested the dude…person…thing…

"Uh-huh," agreed the Bitch.

"Vineyard there."

"Okay."

"I thought we'd build a Jacuzzi over here."

Back in the camp, the remaining octopus from last chapter psychotically ran as fast as its tentacles could carry it away from impending doom. Every bad guy hastily got up, but they were no match for the water balloons that were suddenly thrown in their faces as the Narnian army rushed passed.

The Cochickostish looked around, saying "The prisoner!" as if he was actually aware of what was going on.

The Bitch rolled her eyes. "What, did you think they were after the whiskey or something?" She paused and then screamed, "NOT THE RUM!! I need that to remain sane!" She then ordered the Cochickostish to gut himself so she could eat his innards. He refused and went to Canada to escape her perilous reign. Why Canada, you ask? Well, the Cochickostish is very fond of snow and maple syrup. Who isn't?

Being in Canada on the planet Earth provided a unique opportunity for nature watchers. One such person was mightily interested in such a freak of a being. He tracked the Cochickostish until he found it kicking around a ball of snow. He leaned down and looked at the camera.

"That you see there is a rare being, here found in its natural habitat. The Cochickostish is not a very common animal, and is quite shy. To be caught like this is rather remarkable. A sighting of a lifetime, if you take my meaning. Now, the Cochickostish is famous for its strange mating call that attracts not only its own species, but also flocks of rabid human beings, who, once in contact with this beautiful creature, usually get eaten in strange and nasty ways. You see, the Cochickostish is far from being docile. In fact, it can get rather aggressive once near its prey. It is said that eating human flesh is one of the Cochickostish's favorite pastimes. Although some would think this makes this creature highly dangerous, most of the time no rabid human beings are in the vicinity of these dazzling animals, so there is no need to worry. I am very pleased to be able to witness such a—" The nature watcher broke off as the Cochickostish raised its head and uttered a low rumble in its chest that then built up to be a high-pitched siren-like call. The nature watcher's eyes widened as froth bubbled out of his mouth. The last anyone saw of him was his very own camera recording as the Cochickostish galloped away with the unconscious man under his arm.

Of course, that was happening millions of miles away. Back in Narnia, Edmund's saviors had come so gallantly to whisk him away, but instead found him nowhere to be seen. They cursed, and swore, and threw things and had a tea party, but to no avail. Edmund was gone. During their tea party though, an odd thing happened. While they sipped delicately from ornate porcelain cups, a giant hole appeared in the ground in which popped out a head, and then a body of a very dirty human. Edmund waved back to his mole friends as he looked around and finally realized that he had made it exactly ten feet since his previous scene. He wondered at this as Oreius grabbed him and made as if to go back to Peter and the others, but his friends stopped him. They left after the very last drop of tea was gone.

The Bitch and the Cochickostish (who returned after a quick snack) quickly came to the scene, where they found the one-eared puppy-man passed out cold from too many whacks on the head with the whack-a-mole mallet. Edmund was nowhere to be found, as no one had even noticed he was missing after they finished the game. The Bitch slapped herself.

"Curse you Bob Saget!"

* * *

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Peter was just waking up. He stretched and walked out his tent, passing Oreius on the way. The centaur stared at him and nodded back in the direction he just came from. Peter smiled and continued walking. Oreius caught up to him and forced Peter to look at him. He jerked with his head again, but Peter still didn't understand.

"You having neck spasms, eh, Oreius?"

Oreius rolled his eyes and motioned again, but Peter remained oblivious. Finally, Oreius grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and physically turned Peter to see.

"What? It's not like there's anything I haven't seen yet, except a vampire wearing makeup. Oh look! A vampire wearing makeup! What a silly coinkidink!"

"Okay, where are Aslan and Edmund?" Oreius demanded to the staff.

"They're over there!" One man pointed and Oreius nodded in satisfaction before walking off.

Peter stared and then cringed. "Ouch. That's gotta hurt."

What he was seeing was a very pissed Aslan (who was not a morning lion whatsoever) beating up a very muddy Edmund (who was a morning person, coincidentally, although that's not relevant at all). Aslan was being very creative in his punches and kicks and general maniac growling and scratching, so much so that Peter almost wondered if he should interfere. He turned around to see his sisters emerging from their tent. They followed his gaze and their faces lit up at seeing their brother getting a beating they had only dreamed about.

"Go for the groin!" Lucy cried as Aslan finished with a lovely knee in Edmund's crotch. Edmund turned to his siblings as his knees buckled and he landed on the ground. Why had he wanted to get rescued? Oh yeah, he hadn't. The moles had been more of a family than his real siblings!

Aslan pretended to go off stage as Edmund lurched to his feet and was about to walk down to his siblings when Aslan nonchalantly reappeared and nudged him down the hill. Edmund rolled down the grassy embankment, getting pierced by numerous jagged rocks, before stopping right before the smiling Pevensies. He got to his feet and glared at them.

"What's done is done," Aslan concluded behind them, "There is no need to speak to Edmund about what is past," he advised. Peter, Susan and Lucy nodded as the lion finally headed off to his dressing room.

"I hate you," Edmund muttered at his brother and sisters. There was an awkward silence. Lucy was the first to react, pouncing on Edmund like a wild beast. Susan went and slapped his arm as Peter stood off in the background, enjoying the show. Susan then tackled him to the ground as Peter laughed hysterically. When at last they separated, Susan spoke up.

"Are you all right?"

Edmund stared at them incredulously. "I just got beat up by a puppet lion and two girls. How do you think I'm feeling?????"

"Happified?" Lucy suggested.

"Well it doesn't exactly tickle!!" Edmund screeched angrily.

"I am going to have horrible gas in a moment," Peter said. The others turned to him questioningly. "What? My bowels really get going during such emotional scenes!"

"I'm going to sleep," Edmund grumbled, disgusted. He started to walk away when Peter stopped him.

"And Edmund?"

Edmund glared at him.

"Try not to get involved in any other evil societies that threaten to take over the world, okay?"

"Like you would know if I did," Edmund spat darkly.

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing."


	26. It's Party Time!

_A/N: And another chapter is up! Sweet! On a sad-ish note, Raven Wolfmoon shall be going to Europe starting tomorrow and will not be back until the 4__th__ of August. On a happier-ish note, this means that I can put whatever kind of crap in here that I want! Yayness!_

_Anywho, we would also like to add something to this particular author's note. Recently, there was a death in Raven's family. Her old swing set, which had served her faithfully for many years, passed away a few weeks ago. Raven insisted on posting a poem on here, so here it is:_

_Requiem for an Old Swing Set_

_In the end it protested loudly, what with lots of clanking and squeaking so I was sure the neighbors could hear every time I swang back and forth..._

_iheartmwpp: Uh, Raven? Swang isn't a word…_

_Raven: It is now!! Bitch! (Her eyes turn red as she pulls out a chain saw.)_

_iheartmwpp: Okay, okay, yeesh…_

**Disclaimer: **We own nothing from the _Chronicles of Narnia_,_ Happy Feet_, _Fruits Basket, The Hobbit or Harry Potter_.

Chapter 26: It's Party Time

Lucy watched as Edmund wolfed down his breakfast. "Narnia's not going to run out of brains, Ed," she admonished, grinning.

Edmund looked over at her, his eyes nearly popping out of his head. "Yes it is!" he shouted. "I have to eat all of it! The puppy-men will get all of it if I don't!"

"Someone's been at the Bitch's place for too long," muttered Susan, rolling her eyes at her sister.

"Didn't it already run out of brai—sausage?" Peter commented, staring at a butterfly. "Maybe we can get them to pack some up for us." The other three looked over at where Peter was standing.

Susan spoke up first. "What, we're going back?"

Peter nodded. "You are. You're all annoying, and you're also cutting in to my precious screen time."

"But they need us," protested Lucy. "All four of us are supposed to be in the movie."

"It's too dangerous," Peter reasoned. "You almost drowned, Edmund was almost killed! If you stay here, all of you might really die…You know what, never mind, you can stay and fight."

His siblings smiled at him.

"Not only that," Peter continued, "you can also fight in the front lines if you want." While the other three grinned at each other, Peter smirked evilly to himself. It would all just look like it was an accident…

Susan stood up then. "Well I suppose that's it, then."

Peter stared up at her. "Where are you going?"

"To go and upchuck what we just ate—I mean, to get in some practice," answered Susan as she grabbed her bow and arrows as well as a barf bag.

* * *

Susan nocked an arrow to the bowstring and pulled back, her elbow tucked down and into her side. She didn't notice that a good deal of her hair had gotten caught in the string. She released then, shrieking as her hair was pulled out, leaving an unpleasant bald spot which she quickly spray-painted to look real. The arrow didn't even get close to the target; in fact, it landed only a few feet from where the sisters were standing.

Lucy burst out laughing. "Ha ha, you fail at life!"

Susan thwacked her sister on the head with her bow. Lucy retaliated by chucking her dagger at Susan.

At that time, Edmund and Peter came riding up. Edmund was on a pretty pink pony with sparkles on the sides, whilst Peter was riding a unicorn with a long, silky mane. And sparkles. And sequins. Peter was attempting to teach Edmund how to fight. "Come on, Ed!" he called over to him, waving his sword around. "Sword point up, like Oreius showed us!"

"Hey, wait a minute," said Edmund. "Father Christmas took away your sword so you would stop stabbing yourself back in Chapter 20, but every chapter since you have been shown with a sword, and the authors didn't even specify if it's cardboard anymore or not. When did you get it back?"

"I…don't…really…know…dot…dot…dot…"

"Eh, the authors were just probably to lazy to mention that it fell trough a plot hole and hit Peter on the head before we went into the river of jello," said Mr. Beaver, who showed up out of nowhere. He scared the crap out of Edmund's horse, who promptly took a dump as he reared back.

"Whoa, horsie!" yelled Edmund, trying to stay on as the horse settled back down again.

The horse shook his head, affronted. "My name is Bruprect," he muttered.

Edmund raised an eyebrow. "Bruprect? What kind of name is that?"

The horse shrugged because horses can shrug. "Better than Towanga."

"Ah. Touché."

(_A/N: iheartmwpp: My uncle wanted to call me Bruprect if I was a boy, and Towanga if I was a girl. My mom didn't speak to him for six months.)_

"Anyway," Mr. Beaver said, as though nothing had happened, "the Bitch has demanded a meeting with Aslan. She's on her way here."

"Oh poopie," grumbled Edmund.

* * *

"Jadis, the Bitch of Narnia!" called out the one-eared puppy-dog man, leading the Bitch across the camp as members of Aslan's army jeered at them.

"Piss off, Bitch!" yelled a fawn.

"Empress of the Lonely Mountain!" continued the dog-guy.

"That's the wrong series, asstard!" corrected a centaur.

"No one likes you!" shouted the gorilla.

The dog-man sniffed. "That hurt!"

The Bitch, meanwhile, was being carried on a giant chair being held up by four Teddy Grahams. She was wearing a dress made out of seaweed, and her ferrets were glued in a pig-pile on the top of her head. She glared at Aslan as she approached, who in turn growled back at her. The Teddy Grahams set down the chair and the Bitch stood up. As she walked over to Aslan, she glanced at Edmund. He was staring at her, not noticing a penguin tap-dancing in the background. The Bitch turned back to the giant lion puppet thing.

"You have a traitor in your midst, Aslan."

"I knew it!" shouted a female fawn, slapping her boyfriend.

The Bitch rolled her eyes. "I was talking about the human. Edmund betrayed you all."

"No shit," said the camp.

"So what?" said Aslan. "It's not like he did anything against you."

"He called me fat!" the Bitch insisted. The camp gasped and stared accusingly at Edmund.

"No I didn't! I said that Susan was fat!" protested Edmund.

"Oh. Okay then," said Aslan as Susan took off her belt and started beating Edmund with it, crying hysterically.

"Have you forgotten the laws upon which Narnia was built?" the Bitch stated.

"Of course not. I'm God!"

"And what does that have to do with anything?"  
"It means that I kind of wrote the laws, idiot."

"…I knew that. But then you'll remember well that every traitor belongs to me. His blood is my property."

"Well that's lovely for you," spoke up Peter, "but since just his blood is yours, can we have the rest of him?"

The Bitch laughed at him. "No. Piss off."

Peter took out his sword. "Meanie!"

"Besides, without his blood, he would kind of be dead. What would you want with a dead younger brother?"

"Target practice," replied Peter easily, fingering his sword. Behind him, Lucy was stroking her dagger and Susan was playing with her arrows.

"Why don't I have a weapon?" whined Edmund.

"Shut up, Edmund," said Peter. "Mommy and Daddy are talking."

The Bitch turned back to the lion. "Aslan knows that unless I have blood as the law demands, this movie will cease to exist and the only Narnia movie will be the 1980's version!" There was clamor amongst the crowd due to this horrifying news. The Bitch sneered in triumph. She pointed to Edmund. "That boy will be flushed down the Pewter Toilet as is tradition."

Edmund shuddered. "Well that's a shitty way to go," he muttered, then began laughing maniacally at his own sick pun. Everyone else slapped themselves in the face.

"You dare not refuse me," the Bitch continued, pointedly ignoring Edmund.

"Enough," said Aslan. "I shall talk with you alone."

The Bitch smirked and followed Aslan into the tent, smirking. Everyone in the camp was forced to wait until the two leaders were done talking.

100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,024,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,017,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,362,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 millennia later, everyone was still waiting. Edmund had begun to eat grass, he was so bored. Peter stared at him, deciding not to mention that the goats had just used that spot as a bathroom earlier that day. He then looked over at the tent. It was still shut, and no one had come out yet. Nor would anyone come out anytime soon, it seemed. Peter, who was by this time fed up with waiting, finally decided to get up and see what was keeping them.

Susan looked up at him as he stood up. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm going into the tent," answered Peter. "It's been way too long since they've gone in there."

"But they might be…you know…occupied," reasoned Susan.

Edmund gagged on his grass. "Oh, I did not need that image."

Lucy looked at her siblings. "What are you guys talking about?" she asked innocently.

"Uh…nothing," Susan said quickly.

Peter rolled his eyes. "I'm sure they aren't doing _that_."

"What makes you so sure?" said Susan.

"Because that idea is _way_ overdone by fanfiction writers who write Narnian parodies. Our authors will want to try out an original idea for this pathetic excuse for a parody."

Edmund was nodding. "He has a point there."

Susan sighed, but saw the logic in this statement and nodded. She got up as well and followed her older brother while Edmund continued to eat grass. Lucy also got up to see what was going on, mainly because no one likes Edmund.

Peter walked up to the tent, his sisters following closely behind him. He reached out, hesitated for a moment, then pulled back the flap of the tent.

They were immediately greeted by a ping-pong ball flying at them and hitting Lucy right in the forehead, knocking her out. The older Pevensies watched in fascination at the game going on in the tent.

"Out again," said Aslan.

The Bitch glared at him.

"I told you, you have to let it bounce on the table."

"Shut up!" shouted the Bitch. "That's stupid. Why would I wanna hit that slow?"

"Why? Because those are the rules."

Peter and Susan observed as Aslan gently tapped the ball so that it went over to the other side.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" cried the Bitch, hitting the ball with all her strength.

Aslan wasn't fazed in the least as the ball went right past his head, this time knocking out Susan. "Out again," he repeated calmly.

The Bitch was practically breathing fire by this point.

Aslan glanced behind him at Peter. "I thought at least in ping-pong, she might have a chance to beat me. But, as usual, she's hopeless."

The Bitch let out another cry and up-ended the table tennis table. "HOW CAN I BEAT YOU WITH ALL THESE STUPID RULES, YOU DAMN LION? HOW 'BOUT WE TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?"

"You know, you're the one who wanted to play this game in the first place."

A vein popped in Peter's head. "You mean to tell us that you made us wait all this time just so you two could play ping-pong?!"

Both turned to look at him and nodded. Peter slapped himself.

The Pevensies exited the tent then, and went out to join their brother. The Bitch and Aslan followed shortly after. The Bitch walked back to her chair, glaring at Edmund once more as she passed. Aslan looked at Edmund as well, before announcing, "She has renounced her claim on the Son of Adam's blood."

"Oh, bugger," chorused the camp.

The Bitch turned around then. "How do I know your promise will be kept?"

Aslan let out the most quiet and pitiful roar in the world; it sounded more like a meow than a proper roar. It scared the Bitch so much that she stumbled backwards and fell into her chair. The Teddy Grahams picked the chair up and bore the Bitch away. Just before she was out of sight, she turned around and yelled back at everyone.

"I'll see you in a few weeks!"

"What?" everyone asked, not hearing her.

"I said, I'll be back in a few weeks!"

"Why a few weeks?" everyone screamed back.

"I'm hunting for new ferrets. These ones are all stuck together!"

"Maybe that's because of the glue…" Susan muttered under her breath.

"Shut up!" the Bitch replied with her amazing hearingness. Everyone shrugged as she disappeared with a 'pop'.

"How can the Bitch Apparate?" Lucy wondered. "We're not in Harry Potter!"

"Does it matter? Nothing else in this parody makes sense!" Peter pointed out.

"That's true…" Lucy said, looking down.

"Anyways, now we have time to party!" shouted a random centaur. He began to shimmy as music blared out of hidden speakers. The camp erupted in cheer and formed a conga line, Aslan at the head.

_A/N: The stupid songs will start next chapter. If you can think of anymore, be sure to put them in in your review, otherwise I won't include them!_


	27. Musical Interlude 1: Men In Tights

_A/N: iheartmwpp: This is just me for now. These musical interludes are really just excuses for this story to continue so you guys won't have to wait till Raven comes back, cuz most of the suggestions for the plot come from her anyway. If you just want to pass over these utterly pointless chapters, I won't blame you at all for saving your last bit of sanity. Oh, wait, you already read this far, didn't you? This song pretty much was the inspiration to write a bunch of dumb chapters featuring really pathetic songs. Of course, I knew that this couldn't be the only one, that'd just be weird, which is why I asked for your input. I have about three others planned out; I'll have to check your suggestions again so I can include more. Don't worry, people who actually care about the plot, there probably won't be more than ten of these…unless enough people like them, of course…_

**Disclaimer: **The song belongs to Mel Brooks.

Chapter 27: Men In Tights

A couple of actors playing fawns clambered out of the Port-a-Potties on the camp set, struggling to get their neon green tights back on. "Blimey," one of them complained, "these are hard to get on." He finally got them back up all the way. "Let's face it. You gotta be a man to wear tights."

The other extra nodded.

The first actor turned around, his back facing the second one. "Will, how're me seams?" he asked.

"Perfect," answered Will.

The first one chuckled. "Every time." They gave each other high fives, then several other similar extras, either playing fawns or centaurs, came running out to join them in a rousing chorus.

"_We're men, we're men in tights._

_We roam around the forest looking for fights._

_We're men, we're men in tights._

_We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!_

_We may look like sissies,_

_But watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!_

_We're men, we're men in tights,_

_Always on guard defending the people's rights."_

They all paused to do a brief Can-Can before beginning to sing again.

"_We're men, MANLY men, we're men in tights. Yes!_

_We roam around the forest looking for fights._

_We're men, we're men in tights._

_We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!_

_We may look like pansies, _

_But don't get us wrong or else we'll put out your lights._

_We're men, we're men in tights (TIGHT tights),_

_Always on guard defending the people's rights._

_When you're in a fix just call for the men in tights!_

_We're butch!"_

All of the extras pumped up their arms during the last line in a desperate attempt to look masculine. It failed miserably.

The four actors playing the four children, who were passing by, took one look at the extras before running away screaming.

_A/N: Yeah, so, tell me if you liked this or not, or if you want me to abandon the project all together…_

_On a completely different note, I got a fortune out of a fortune cookie last night. It said, "Coming afternoon there will be an important meeting in the south." WTF._


	28. Musical Interlude 2: The Happy Song

_A/N: iheartmwpp: This suggestion came from CorieOreo and was also slightly inspired by Schmo and Sushi…sorry, but I just like this one better than the Happy Happy Joy Joy song._

_On another note, I got a call from Raven yesterday. She's doing great; she was in Ireland at the time, though whether she's still there or has gone to the United Kingdom already, I have no idea. Hehe, the only reason she called me was because her parents' caller ID stopped her from calling, so she wanted me to tell them how she was doing. She'll be back in August, so we'll get back to writing the actual plot by around December. Okay, maybe October._

_Peter:__ This movie has a plot?! And why are you writing about Raven anyway, it's not like the readers actually care about her or anything._

_iheartmwpp:__ But I miss her! (starts bawling) Raven, come back!_

_Peter:__ Oh, go read _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ or something._

_iheartmwpp:__ (sniffs) But it's not out till Saturday!_

_Peter:__ Then just write another freaking chapter!_

_iheartmwpp:__ You're mean! (goes in her room and cries more)_

_Yeah, that entire fake conversation was utterly pointless, but I'm bored…_

**Disclaimer: **The characters are C. S. Lewis's and the song is Liam Lynch's.

Chapter 28: The Happy Song

Susan walked into Edmund's tent for the fifteenth time since the Bitch left. "Are you all right—"

"YES I'M ALL RIGHT! DAMN IT WOMAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP ASKING ME! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THAT'LL MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Then Ed was struck with a brilliant idea. Lucy, who was following Susan around and waiting for the opportunity to hack her up with a chainsaw, chucked a rock at Edmund's head. Ed picked it up and read the note attached to it.

"Try singing that happy song that was on Youtube," the note said.

"Hmm. Okay." So Edmund began to sing.

"_I am really special cuz there's only one of me._

_Look at my smile, I'm so damn happy, other people are jealous of me._

_When I'm sad and lonely, I like to sing this song._

_It cheers me up and shows me that I won't be sad for long._

_Oh oh oh _

_I'm so happy, I can barely breathe._

_Puppy dogs and sugar frogs and kittens, baby teeth."_

For some bizarre reason, as Edmund sang the last line, a bunch of puppies, frogs coated in sugar, kittens, and some baby teeth paraded behind him. The sisters raised their eyebrows. Edmund noticed none of this and continued his song.

_"Watch out all you mothers, I'm happy it's hardcore,_

_Happy as a coupon for a twenty dollar whore._

_Hahahaha_

_I'm really happy, I'm sugar coated me._

_Happy good, anger bad, that's my philosophy."_

Edmund glanced up at his sisters. "I can't do this, man, I'm not happy." Lucy urged him on behind Susan. Edmund sighed and started singing again.

_"I am really special, cuz there's only one of me_

_Look at my smile, I'm so damn happy, other people are jealous of me_

_These are my love handles, and this is my spout,_

_But if you tip me over, then Mama said knock you out"_

Edmund bent over, clutching his stomach with a pained expression on his face.

"_I am special, I am happy, I am gonna heave_

_Welcome to my happy world, now get your shit and leave"_

The key changed.

"_I am happy, I am good, I am..."_

"I'm outta here!" cried Edmund, pushing his sisters aside and leaving his tent. "Screw you!"

Lucy was so angry that he didn't completely follow her suggestion that she threw her chainsaw at his head. She was then forced to clean up the blood as punishment for killing off one of the main characters.

_A/N: The next two songs I'm thinking of are ones that I don't think anyone's thought of yet, so it'll be a bit of a surprise. Now what happened to that chainsaw…?_

_Peter:__ (sweatdrop)_


	29. Musical Interlude 3: If You Were Gay

_A/N: Did anyone else read the last Harry Potter book yet? OMG IT'S AMAZINGFUL!!!! But I have no one to talk to about it which makes me sad and stuff, so if any of you want to talk about it or want to put up with me complaining about certain bits, PM me or e-mail me via the iheartmwpp screenname, cuz I don't have access to the KellySquared e-mail account, that's Raven's XD._

_And now, the thingy that you actually wanted. Oh, and I also made some changes to Chapter 20 to make it slightly more readable, it was a bit trickier before cuz the format was messed up, but it should work better now._

**Disclaimer: **_The Chronicles of Narnia _belong to C. S. Lewis and the _If You Were Gay _song belongs to Avenue Q.

Chapter : If You Were Gay

Oreius sighed as he leaned back in his chair. "Aah," he sighed. "An afternoon alone with my favorite book, _Broadway Musicals of the 1940s_. No humans to bother me. How could it get any better than this?"

Edmund walked into the tent. "Oh, hi Oreius!" he greeted.

"Hi, Edmund," muttered the centaur dispassionately.

Edmund came up to Oreius and sat down in the chair beside him. "Hey, Oreius, you'll never guess what happened to me in the forest this morning. This fawn was smiling at me and talking to me—"

Oreius turned a page in his book. "That's very interesting."

"He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay!"

"Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?"

Edmund cocked his head at the centaur. "Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Oreius..."

"I'M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE!" Oreius realized that he was yelling and quickly tried to compose himself. "What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read." He turned back to his book.

"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Oreius; I just think it's something we should be able to talk about."

"Well I don't want to talk about it, Edmund. This conversation is over!"

"Yeah, but..."

"Over!"

Edmund leaned back. "Well, okay, but just so you know—

_If you were gay,_

_That'd be okay._

_I mean 'cause hey,_

_I'd like you anyway._

_Because you see,_

_If it were me,_

_I would feel free to say that I was gay_

_But I'm not gay."_

Oreius tried to ignore this sudden outburst of song. "Edmund, please. I am trying to read."

Edmund smirked at him.

Oreius stared at him. "What?"

"_If you were queer,"_

Oreius rolled his eyes. "Edmund…"

"_I'd still be here,"_

"Edmund, I'm trying to read this book."

"_Year after year,"_

"Edmund!"

"_Because you're dear to me."_

Oreius put his head in his hands. "Arrgh!"

"_And I know that you"_

Oreius looked up then. "What?"

"_Would accept me too"_

"I would?"

"_If I told you today_

'_Hey, guess what? I'm gay!'_

_But I'm not gay._

_I'm happy just being with you,"_

For no real reason, Oreius said "High button shoes, Pal Joey—"

"_So what should it matter to me_

_What you do in bed with guys?"_

Oreius blanched. "Edmund! That is wrong!"

Edmund laughed. "No it's not!

_If you were gay,_

_I'd shout HOORAY!"_

"I am not listening!"

"_And here I'd stay"_

"La la la la la!"

"_But I wouldn't get in your way."_

Oreius screamed in frustration.

"_You can count on me_

_To always be_

_Beside you everyday_

_To tell you 'It's okay,_

_You were just born that way'"_

Here, Edmund paused to motion out of the tent, at two male centaurs making out in full view of the camp.

"_And, as they say,_

_It's in your D.N.A._

_You're gay!"_

"I AM NOT GAY!" screamed Oreius.

Edmund nodded knowingly. "But if you _were _gay—"

Oreius screamed again and galloped out of the tent.

Edmund raised an eyebrow. "Wonder what was bothering him?" he said to himself, before picking up the book Oreius had left behind and starting to read.


	30. Musical Interlude 4: The Song That Goes

_A/N: What's a good parody without some Mary-Sue bashing?_

**Disclaimer: **Everything you see below either belongs to C.S. Lewis, Eric Idle, and whoever was enough of a genius to come up with the first Mary-Sue.

Chapter : The Song That Goes Like This

As Peter was walking along in the camp one day, he came across a tent that he hadn't noticed before. It was a deep navy blue with many strange silver symbols stitched onto it. Curious, he ventured inside and came across the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen in his life.

She had long, beautiful flowing blond hair that seemed to flutter behind her in an unseen breeze. Her gown was of the softest, pale blue and was made of silk. When Peter entered the tent, she turned to face him and batted her vivid blue eyes at him, her full, red lips curving upwards in a gentle smile. "Hello, King Peter," she whispered, her voice seeming to ooze out of her like honey.

Peter stared at her, struggling to find his voice. "H-hello," he stammered. "W-who are you?"

The woman stood up and walked over to him, though it seemed as though she was gliding. "I am called Mary-Sue," she said, taking his hand.

They stared into each other's eyes for several minutes, before Peter, without any warning, suddenly burst into song.

"_Once in every show_

_There comes a song like this._

_It starts off soft and low _

_And ends up with a kiss._

_Oh where is the song_

_That goes like this?_

_Where is it? Where? Where?"_

Mary-Sue joined in as well, singing in the most beautiful voice Peter had ever heard.

"_A sentimental song_

_That casts a magic spell._

_They all will hum along._

_We'll overact like hell._

_For this is the song that goes like this._

_Yes it is! Yes it is!"_

Peter began to sing again.

"_Now we can go straight_

_Into the middle eight,_

_A bridge that is too far for me."_

Mary-Sue put her arms around him.

"_I'll sing it in your face_

_While we both embrace,"_

They both sang together.

_"And then_

_We change_

_The key."_

Peter was suddenly singing in a very high-pitched voice.

"_Now we're into E!_

_(Ahem) That's awfully high for me."_

Mary-Sue was looking at him oddly.

"_But as everyone can see_

_We should have stayed in D."_

They both started to sing together.

"_For this is our song that goes like this!"_

"_I'm feeling very proud!"_ sang Peter.

"_You're singing far too loud,"_ sang Mary-Sue.

"_That's the way that this song goes,"_ muttered Peter.

"_You're standing on my toes,"_ sang Mary-Sue, and then they sang together again.

"_Singing our song that goes like this!"_

"_I can't believe there's more!"_ belted Mary-Sue.

"_It's far too long, I'm sure,"_ sang Peter uncertainly, and Mary-Sue agreed.

"_That's the trouble with this song._

_It goes on and on and on."_

"_For this is our song that is too long!"_ they sang together.

"Jesus Christ! Goddammit!" shouted Peter.

"_We'll be singing this till dawn!"_ cried Mary-Sue.

"_You'll wish that you weren't born."_

"_Let's stop this damn refrain_

_Before we go insane."_

"_The song always ends like this!"_ they finished together, Mary-Sue's high note shattering the glass of the chandelier that was randomly hanging from inside the tent.

_A/N: And now for some advertizing and some explinations: If anyone has finished the seventh Harry Potter book and is at all interested, I have a new story I'm working on, on my iheartmwpp account. Apparently it's pretty good, I already got 20 reviews in less than two days, more reviews than any of my other solo stories. So, if anyone is interested...Though it does mean that pretty soon I will probably put this aside in favor for that one, so if you don't see anything new for awhile, blame my other story, and know that this might be the last update until August when Raven gets back and forces me to go back to this one._


	31. The I'm Too Sexy Song That Never Ends

_A/N: Raven's coming home tonight!!!! Yayness! So to celebrate, I'm updating this again! We can either do more song thingies or continue with the plot, your choice lol._

_These songs were requested by Emiko87 and Schmo and Sushi._

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _The Chronicles of Narnia, Naruto,_ _Ferris Bueller's Day Off_, the _Song That Never Ends, _or the _I'm Too Sexy _song.

Chapter 31: The I'm Too Sexy Song That Never Ends

Peter stomped through the camp, clearly upset. However, since no one cared, he was forced to vent his anger on Lucy, who wouldn't stop singing the Song That Never Ends.

"_This is the song that never ends…"_

"For God's sake, shut up!" screamed Peter, cutting her arm off with his sword. Kakuzu appeared from the _Naruto Shippuden _series through a black hole, sewed her arm back on, and disappeared as if nothing had happened.

"_And it goes on and on, my friends…"_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!" bellowed Peter, throwing his sword to the ground and beating her about the head with his shield.

"_Some people started singing it not knowing what it was…"_

Susan and Edmund showed up then, not seeming to notice that Peter was smashing numerous pieces of furniture over Lucy.

"You seem extremely pissed off, Peter," said Susan, catching his extremely pissed off expression.

Peter growled at her, chucking a lamp at Susan's head; he missed and it hit Edmund.

"_And will continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends…"_

"Shut the hell up, Lucy," said Susan good-naturedly. "Why are you so mad, Peter?"

"She dumped me! Mary-Sue (censored)-ing _dumped_ me!"

"Don't say (censored), it's not nice," said Susan.

"_And it goes on and on, my friends…"_

"Why did she dump you?" asked Susan.

Peter sniffed. "She said I wasn't sexy enough for her."

"_Some people started singing it not knowing what it was…"_

"That's understandable," said Edmund, getting up.

Peter threw a toaster at him.

"You people don't seem to realize how sexy I really am," he said defensively.

"_And will continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends…"_

"And how sexy are you?" asked Susan.

Peter smirked. "I'll tell you…

_I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love,_

_Love's going to leave me…"_

Peter started dancing provocatively. All the women (and some of the men) in the camp immediately dropped whatever they were doing onto Lucy's head and ran up to watch him dance.

_"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt,_

_So sexy it hurts."_

Peter took off his shirt to emphasize the point. The crowd am going wild.

_"And I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan,_

_New York and Japan."_

"_And it goes on and on, my friends…"_

"_And I'm too sexy for your party,_

_Too sexy for your party,_

_No way I'm disco dancing."_

Peter started to dance in a disco style, completely contradicting what he had just sung.

_"I'm a model, you know what I mean,_

_And I do my little turn on the catwalk."_

He spun around.

_"Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah_

_I do my little turn on the catwalk."_

"_Some people started singing it not knowing what it was…"_

"_I'm too sexy for my car,"_

Peter was suddenly standing in front of a Ferrari.

"_Too sexy for my car,_

_Too sexy by far."_

The Ferrari disappeared and went on to star in _Ferris Bueller's Day Off_.

_"And I'm too sexy for my hat,"_

Peter flipped his cowboy hat around his head.

_"Too sexy for my hat, what do you think about that?_

_I'm a model, you know what I mean, _

_And I do my little turn on the catwalk."_

"_And will continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends…"_

"_Yeah, on the catwalk on the catwalk, yeah,_

_I shake my little tush on the catwalk."_

He shook his little tush, and the girls screamed, their noses bleeding like crazy. _(A/N: In Anime and Manga, whenever someone's nose bleeds it means they're having dirty thoughts lol.)_

_"I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my—_

_Too sexy for my—"_

"_And it goes on and on, my friends…"_

_"'Cos I'm a model, you know what I mean,_

_And I do my little turn on the catwalk._

_Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah,_

_I shake my little tush on the catwalk."_

Peter danced up to Aslan.

_"I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat,_

_Poor pussy, poor pussy cat."_

Aslan blushed.

_"I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love,_

_Love's going to leave me._

_And I'm too sexy for this song."_

Everyone cheered.

"_Some people started singing it not knowing what it was…"_

Peter threw a hand grenade at Lucy.

"_And will continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends…"_


	32. The Return of the Plot

_A/N: This is probably the most stupid and random chapter we have written thus far. And that's saying something._

**Disclaimer: **We don't own the _Chronicles of Narnia_, _Aladdin_, _Lord of the Rings_, _Dragonlance_, _Harry Potter_, _Naruto_, _Charlie Brown_, or way too many other things we stole…Stealing is bad, unless for good reasons…hahahah…Oh, and there are a couple of spoilers for the seventh Harry Potter book, just FYI…

Chapter 32: The Return of the Plot

Ten thousand years…can give you such a crick in the neck! And much that once was, was lost. For none now live who remember…

THE PLOT!!!!!!!!! GASP!!!!!

The songs had finally ceased. The sane folk remaining in Narnia could finally remove their earplugs and wipe off the blood. After many grueling hours of horrid singing, at last there was peace….

…until the movie resumed and the director was finally released from the nearest asylum (located near you for direct and easy service).

The actors were peeled off the floor they had been glued to for centuries for some odd reason, and the puppet Aslan was revamped to look like a flying potato. A flying potato with lion-ish tendencies, that is. He still licked himself, and he still roared like a little kitty-cat, but he had turned into a spud that many found awkward to call God.

Anyway, Lucy was the first one to notice Aslan's deep depression.

After centuries of partying, she suddenly glanced up one day and found that she had turned into a mermaid. She freaked out for several hours before realizing that she had only been sleeping beside a fish. Yes, a fish. The smell of fish still prompted cats to her tent, so it was obvious that potatoes that used to be cats would be attracted to it. She heard him snuffling outside and went out to see him, crying spud-like tears as he hobbled solemnly back to his tent, unable to fulfill his feline passions.

_What on earth did that paragraph mean?_ Lucy wondered. She had no idea.

Skipping pointless time emerged into a night scene. Torches burned all around them because electricity had not been invented yet. Inside her tent, Lucy was getting bitten by all kinds of bed bugs, keeping her awake. Apparently, they too were attracted to dead fish.

Susan inhaled deeply and choked as she sucked flies down her throat. She sat up, hacking, as Lucy went bolt upright, staring past her purple-faced sister to a shadow flitting across the side of the tent.

"Susan!"

"Lucy, what the heck do you want? Why do you keep sleeping with dead fish under your mattress?" Susan complained, coughing bitterly.

Lucy pouted. "Their sweet aromas help me fall asleep."

"Then why aren't you asleep right now?"

"Because the boogey man's right outside our tent!" Lucy screamed, pointing anxiously at the shadow. Reaching into her pocket, she removed a flame thrower and set the tent on fire trying to kill the shadow.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??" Susan demanded, her eyebrows singed off and her hair smoking.

Lucy smiled proudly. "I killed the boogey man! I'm a hero! BOW DOWN TO ME!!"

"Um, no thank you."

"BOW!!"

"Bow-wow?" Susan ventured.

"I am not a dog! I'm a dwarf! Remember the earlier chapters?" Lucy pointed out.

"Oh God, please don't remind me," Susan moaned.

"Speaking of God, there he is!" Lucy cried suddenly, pointing to the darkened features of Aslan slinking off into the night. "Wonder where he's going?"

"We should stalk him," Susan immediately suggested. Lucy readily agreed.

They took off after Aslan, amazed he hadn't seen their tent that was now a raging inferno, a fireball threatening to engulf the entire camp. No one else noticed either.

"What, fireball?" said Fizban, as he entered the parody for no reason.

"No, no, Fizban. Let's go back to Tanis now!" Tas pleaded, leading the old wizard back into the time warp.

They popped back later to retrieve the old man's hat, which he had accidentally left behind.

Moving on.

The sisters were pursuing Aslan being very quiet, blasting some trumpets they found on the ground, snapping branches with their teeth, stomping up and down to create earthquakes and otherwise being as hushed as was humanly possible. Thus, it was no surprise that Aslan realized they were following him.

"Shouldn't you both be NOT FOLLOWING ME???" he exclaimed as the girls attempted to silence themselves further by repeatedly jumping up and down on weasels, making them squeal quite loudly.

Lucy came out of hiding first. "How did you know we were there?" she asked, shocked.

"I'm still God despite the fact that I am now a vegetable. And I also have a brain somewhere inside. I'm not quite sure of my own anatomy at the moment."

"That's disgusting."

"So why the hell are you following me?"

Susan tried to come up with an excuse. "We…wanted to munch on the night fungus. Out in the forest. Of course."

"Yeah…sure…Who eats nowadays? I remember when I was a cub—"

"Potato," Lucy corrected snidely.

"Uh, no. I _was_ a lion before this!"

"You were only a puppet though," Susan said.

"Oh…shut up," Aslan muttered darkly.

"Please, Aslan," continued Susan, "couldn't we come with you?"

"Why would I want you to come with me? I hate you."

"Because we'd just continue stalking you anyway if you don't," Lucy pointed out. "Oh, and we'd also make really bad jokes if you don't allow us to come."

"They can't be that bad," Aslan insisted skeptically.

Susan exchanged glances with her sister. "Oh, you don't know what bad means," she said threateningly.

Lucy smiled evilly. "Here's a little taste for you: What did one plate say to the other?"

Aslan shrugged helplessly. He wasn't the greatest at jokes (kind of like Raven Wolfmoon. No lie).

"Lunch is on me!" Lucy laughed maniacally.

Aslan instantly felt pain in his stomach and keeled over, gasping as it subsided. "Those jokes…they're…too…powerful!" he wheezed.

"We know," the sisters said in deadly unison.

"That's why we'll use them only when necessary or if we're provoked. Or if we just want to torture people," Lucy explained.

"So can we come with you now?" Susan asked sweetly.

Aslan shuddered.

"Fine. I guess I would like the company for awhile," he strained.

As they walked through the woods, Lucy hesitantly reached out and stroked the potato's mane. It felt surprisingly soft for hair that was growing on a vegetable, so Lucy and Susan stroked the fur for the entire walk.

Aslan suddenly stopped, wincing. "It is time. From here, I must go on alone," he said fearfully.

Susan stepped forward, her eyes flashing dangerously. "But Aslan—"

"I can't! It's the script! Please don't hurt me!"

Lucy rolled her eyes. "We'll be nice. This time only!"

Aslan sucked in a scared breath, rather preferring his soon-to-be torture at the hands of the Bitch than these two cursed Pevensies.

And with that he flew off farther into the woods.

Susan and Lucy had only let him off the hook because they knew they could just sneak up and see what was happening anyway. So, that's what they did. Hence that being what they were doing.

They were shocked to see what looked like a very lively drunken party, filled with all manner of bizarre creatures that the Bitch had invited. There were hundreds of octopi, a rather large amount of Cochickostishes, a very great number of giant puppy-dog men, a shockingly beautiful woman ("So _that's _where Peter's girlfriend went," whispered Susan), several ugly froggy thingies as seen in chapter nineteen, and some random werewolves, all gathered around the Pewter Toilet of DOOM.

"How the hell did I get here?" asked Remus Lupin, somehow still able to talk despite the fact that he had transformed into the crappy wolf form thing from the _Prisoner of Azkaban _movie.

Suddenly, there was a piercing shriek that floated over the trees. Everyone jumped up in alarm, for it sounded like a very loud "Squee!" However, when no fangirls jumped out from behind the trees, they relaxed and continued binge drinking. None of them could've known that, thousands of miles away in an American town no one cares about, Raven Wolfmoon was trying desperately hard to hold back iheartmwpp from suddenly trying to go to New Zealand for no reason other than to glomp a fictional character.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Vivian from _Blood and Chocolate_ was leering at Remus. "Is _that_ supposed to be your werewolf form?" she asked scathingly.

"Yeah, that looks nothing like a wolf at all, you don't even have any fur!" said Kern from _Wolf Moon_.

"And what's with the no-tail thing?" wondered some random Scooby-Doo villain dressed as a werewolf.

"Michael Jackson looks more like a wolf than you do!" laughed the random guy who turned into a werewolf in that random episode of _Doctor Who_.

Remus sniffed. "That hurt! And we're saying the word 'random' a lot."

"Yeah, it's pretty random."

"Did someone say my name?" asked Michael Jackson, appearing in a cloud of purple haze in his own very special werewolf form.

The Bitch screamed. "WILL YOU GET OUT OF THE PARODY ALREADY?!"

"No!" Michael Jackson whined. "I don't wanna get out!"

"You better!" the Bitch warned, her eyes popping out of her stomach. She then proceeded to zap him with a tazer. Where she got the tazer is something no one really knows. Perhaps it descended from the hovering hovercraft of chocolate pies and other assorted goodies.

Meanwhile, Michael Jackson was dripping, revealing a simple rubber costume over Orochimaru from the popular Anime show, _Naruto_, which is exclusively viewed by the authors of this parody because they have no lives.

"Oh, brownie batter," he muttered.

"What, chocolate?" piped up Remus, scanning the crowd anxiously.

The Pevensie sisters watching the scene turned to one another in abject horror. What had started as a simple werewolf joke (considering iheartmwpp's rather large fetish) had turned into something where lots of things were stolen and added to the parody. They weren't even original ideas by the authors. Why? Why did this happen?

Lucy huffed. "It's probably because Raven wasn't there that this happened!" she accused angrily. (_iheartmwpp: And WHO exactly is the one who wrote this bit?!)_

"Yeah, no one likes iheartmwpp," Susan added contemptuously. (_iheartmwpp: Ur a meanie-face!)_

"Why do the authors get so much screen time in this chapter?" asked Remus, approaching the girls in his human form now.

"Uh…you're naked," Lucy pointed out.

"Oh. Uhh…"

There was an even louder "Squee!" heard in the distance, added later with a "D'oh!" as Raven's desperate restraints crumbled around iheartmwpp's madness. She cried out as iheartmwpp crashed through the jungle, swam the seven seas, and washed up onshore only to realize that all of this was pure fantasy and thus was only in her head. iheartmwpp swore angrily.

"Why is this chapter called 'Return of the Plot' when they are even more stupid things happening that don't pertain to the movie at all?" Susan wondered vaguely.

"Because this is my least favorite part in the movie," Raven replied.

"Ah."

"But now, let us return to…the PLOT!!" yelled Raven triumphantly, screeching a battle cry.

"But...but I want my Remmy-kins!" squeed iheartmwpp.

"No," said Raven patiently. "No Remmy-kins for you."

"But…why not?!"

Raven sighed. "Do you want to go back in the box?"

The older author shuddered. "Please don't send me back there…"

* * *

Everyone who wasn't supposed to be there had gone. Even the werewolves had left (Raven is now consoling iheartmwpp). But all the readers can agree that it was for the best, for now no more disclaimers apply. 

"Why did Aslan go to a drunken party _without us?_" Lucy pouted as she and Susan watched a midget in a lion-colored suit walking through the partying creatures. They all scurried to get out of his way.

"Here I come. I am Aslan. Fear me!" said this Aslan wannabe.

"Uh, you're not Aslan," said Remus, always the voice of reason. "You're just a midget in a lion-colored suit pretending to be Aslan."

"Hey! I thought you left with the others!" yelled the midget.

Remus shrugged. "iheartmwpp has authoress powers too, you know."

"That's true I guess."

"Besides, it's not my fault that she has an unhealthy obsession with werewolves!"

"Yeah…okay," the midget muttered.

The Bitch cleared her throat. "Um, pardon me for interrupting, but WHERE THE HECK IS THE REAL ASLAN??? WE'RE KIND OF HERE FOR A REASON!!"

"Really?" Remus looked up, hope dawning on his face.

"Well, not you."

"Oh." Remus's face was downcast.

The Bitch waved her hand dismissively. "Go back to your own world now and…oh I don't know…play with your son or something." There was a scream as the Bitch was suddenly pelted with bricks from numerous Harry Potter fans.

"NOOO!! SPOILERS!!" the Harry Potter fans shouted.

"AHHH!!" the Bitch responded in kind as she fell down and got a boo-boo. Her lower lip protruded and began quivering. "WHERE IS ASLAN??" she whimpered pathetically, close to throwing a tantrum because the authors were writing a completely ridiculous chapter.

The midget pointed. "Over there."

"…That's a potato."

"A _flying _potato."

There was silence for a moment. Finally, the Bitch sighed. "Oh just get on with it!"

She inhaled a mighty breath and then climbed up onto the rim of the toilet. She was adorned in a lovely dress made of slats of bark, which gave her some difficulty as she ascended. At the top, she leered down at the crowd, particularly Aslan.

"Behold, the Great Potato," she mocked. The drunken creatures swayed and laughed.

"Isn't it supposed to be the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown?" Linus wondered.

"No! GET OUT!"

Linus ran away.

The Bitch sighed heavily. "It was almost normal for a second…." She puffed up her chest. "NOW THEN!" she boomed. She nodded to one of the Cochickostiches who knocked Aslan onto his side. He almost began to roll away before the other creatures caught him.

"Bind him!" the Bitch commanded. The creatures had some problems trying to bind Aslan with twine, seeing as he didn't have legs. He was a potato, after all. They finally settled with tying his feebly wings together. He roared in discomfort.

And then the Bitch suggested the most horrible thing to be done to a potato.

"Wait. First, peel him!"

The creatures set about, carving off his outer skin. Aslan grunted; it wasn't a very pleasant feeling.

Meanwhile, the Pevensies kept looking at each other, wondering if their favorite God was about to be made into a stew of some sort (and if they could try some).

When Aslan was done being peeled, the Bitch ushered for him to be brought forth. Two Cochickostishes came forward and dragged Aslan up the toilet side. There was lots of random noise as the creatures belted out their disdain. There was even heard a moo from the crowd. It turned out to be a very frightened bunny rabbit. It all climaxed to a deafening clamor, then abruptly quieted. It started again a moment later as two gorillas began beating their chests, signaling the crowd to commence chanting.

"Flush the spud!

Spill its juice!

Cut it into strips and then fry them to make potato chips!"

(_Raven: Or crisps in Europe and all. __**iheartmwpp: You are back in America, you know.**_ _Raven: Yeah, I know. __**iheartmwpp: Uh…huh…**_)

The Bitch leaned forward over Aslan. "You know, Aslan, I'm a little disappointed in you," she whispered. "Did you honestly think by all this you could save the human traitor?"

"Hmm? Who?" Aslan spoke up, confused.

"Edmund of course!" the Bitch snapped.

"Edmund? Why would I want to save him?"

"I don't know! Why on earth did you come here for, then?" the Bitch demanded, astonished. "You're just going to sacrifice yourself for nothing?"

"Well, no…I thought there'd be candy. You did promise me candy back when we were playing ping-pong."

"I did?"

"Yup."

"Oh. Well, I lied."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I DON'T WANNA DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

"So much for being dignified," Susan muttered wryly, hearing Aslan's cry from her distance.

"Yeah, what a wimp!" Lucy agreed.

"You are giving me your life and saving no one!" the Bitch taunted, not believing her good fortune. She laughed. "So much for sugar!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"Tonight!" the Bitch announced loudly, "the Deep-Fried Magic will be appeased!" The crowd cheered. "And tomorrow will be a little more hectic, what with taking Narnia foreveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Her voice echoed on for years. She leered down at Aslan. "In that knowledge, despair and…DIE!" She pushed Aslan off the edge into the water and pulled the lever, flushing him down into the abyss.

Lucy and Susan simultaneously gasped then fell into one another, crying.

"He…would've made such a good…potato pie!" Lucy sobbed.

"Such a waste of starch and cholesterol!" Susan moaned.

As they wept, the Bitch's eyes sucked in her pupils until there was nothing but blackness. She kneeled down in triumph. "The Great Potato is DEAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDD!!!" The crowd cheered mightily and slowly dispersed to prepare for the upcoming battle.

Remus finally left for his own dimension, once he finally realized that no one was going to give him any chocolate.

After they had left, the sisters trudged up to the toilet and stared down into it forlornly. Lucy's tears dripped into the foul water as she had a sudden burst of inspiration. She removed her flask Father Christmas had given her and poured the entire contents down the toilet.

"Lucy, what are you doing?? It's too late! He's gone," Susan glared at her sister. "And now your potion's gone AGAIN. Edmund's really screwed for later in the movie!"

"Who cares?" Lucy interrupted savagely. "No one likes Edmund anyways. Even Aslan hated him. But now Aslan's in toilet heaven."

"I thought we were in heaven right now. That's what Narnia is."

Lucy shrugged. "I don't know. I'm only eight years old."

Then, for some odd reason, some mice came charging up the toilet and plummeted into the water.

"What was that for?" Susan wondered.

Lucy shrugged again. A few moments passed before Susan spoke up again.

"We have to tell the others. They wanted him for food, too."

"But we can't just leave him!" Lucy protested.

"It's not like he's actually here! He was kind of flushed down the toilet!" Susan pointed out.

"So?" Lucy challenged.

Susan rolled her eyes. "Fine. But there's no time. They need to know about this. But how…?"

Lucy turned to her ominously. "The trees," she stated.

"What about them?"

"They're green."

"Oh, they are, look at that."


	33. Pins, Needles, and Dentures Oh My!

_A/N: Oh, we forgot to mention that Raven's back._

_Raven: Hi, everyone! I'm back! So Europe was so much fun and—_

_iheartmwpp: Shut up. No one cares._

_Raven: Well, I went and read the chapters you wrote when I was gone…_

_iheartmwpp: Oh yeah, did you see where I cried for you?_

_Raven: Yep. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I laugh at you. Ha HAAAAAAAA!_

_iheartmwpp: (cries again) Ur mean! (Writes Raven's name in her Death Note) Raven Wolfmoon…has seizure from watching too much InuYasha…3:10…_

_Raven: (doesn't watch the _Death Note_ anime and therefore doesn't understand anything) But I'm confused. Wasn't the last chapter supposed to be the return of the plot?_

_iheartmwpp: Uh…yeah! That's why it was called "Return of the Plot"!_

_Raven: I'm not that dumb! (Crickets feast on monkeys) I'm just saying that doesn't make sense compared to that last chapter._

_iheartmwpp: Does anything ever make sense in this story?_

_Raven: Well, no…_

Chapitre 33: Pins and Needles and Dentures, Oh My!

Peter was sleeping soundly when suddenly, a flying radish landed on his cheek. He mumbled and then slapped himself, hard, to get rid of the annoying buzzing sound.

"Ow!" He jolted awake and looked around blearily. What had woken him up? He had been having a lovely dream about playing with kittens and puppies and careening wagons of FIRE AND BRIMSTONE THAT WERE SMOKING LIKE HELL!!! He had been chillin' with Satan too. Apparently, he enjoyed kittens almost as much as Peter did.

"Peter!" cried Edmund.

Peter started and glanced at his brother, who was eyeing him strangely.

"Why are you sucking your thumb?" Edmund asked, aghast.

"Uh…" was Peter's intelligent response. "…Your mom!"

"She's my mom too, you know," Edmund pointed out.

"Shut up. No one likes you."

Edmund rolled his eyes.

All of a sudden, a giant cactus walked through the front door.

"Holy crap!" Peter yelled, fumbling for his sword.

Edmund's eyes were wide. "I knew this day would come. Prepare for the invasion of the cacti!"

"Um, what?"

"AHHHHH!" Edmund proceeded to ram into the cactus in an effort to tackle it. Of course, he hadn't realized that cacti have needles. If he had known that, he probably wouldn't have run into it.

Seeing as this was Narnia, and no one actually had any brain cells, Edmund pretty much got shish-kabobbed. Had there been a fire underneath him, he would've been pretty tasty too.

Peter for one was rather disappointed.

"Blarg, where the hell are my dentures?" the cactus wondered vaguely.

"That stung a little," Edmund commented idly, stuck to the cactus since the needles were pinning him down, quite literally.

"PUN!" Peter declared.

"Be still, my princesses," the cactus interrupted, albeit a little belatedly considering Edmund had already made his move.

"WHOA! The cactus can talk!" Peter exclaimed, jumping back in surprise and astonishment. He had forgotten that it spoke before.

"I bring grave news from your sisters," the cactus interrupted.

"We have sisters?" Peter wondered incredulously.

"No shit," the cactus responded, deadpan.

"Wait…did you just call us 'princesses'?" Edmund demanded from his position on the cactus's body.

"No."

"Oh, okay then."

"Wait a second!" Peter spoke up angrily. "How on earth can the cactus speak if it doesn't have its dentures?"

"Oh my god! You're right! It must be a clone!" Edmund added, stunned.

The cactus rolled its eyes. "You ladies are idiots."

"Hey, I'm not a girl!" Peter whined, like a girl.

"And, well, I'm…" Edmund stammered, "…I'm…Edmund!"

The cactus just wanted to leave. It cleared its throat loudly.

"I BRING GRAVE NEWS FROM YOUR SISTERS!!" it bellowed.

"Grave news? Does that mean they're finally dead?" Peter asked.

"NO!" the cactus yelled.

"Can I go home?" Edmund complained.

"NO!"

"Do you want a cookie?"

"YES!"

"Here."

"Thank you. Now where was I? Oh yeah. Aslan's dead, the whole world's about to collapse and everyone is pretty much going to die because now you two are our leaders."

"Oh. Well…fuck," Peter muttered.

"Well, see you later," the cactus said jovially, peeling Edmund off its body.

Edmund swayed on his feet. "I feel a strange sense of blood loss coming on…" he mumbled thickly. Edmund then proceeded to faint due to his many puncture wounds.

Peter stared at him and then shrugged. He left the tent quickly to check that Aslan was truly gone.

He entered Aslan's domain, noting many hairballs lying around the giant ping-pong tables.

Peter scrunched up his nose in disgust. "Ewww!"

"Blarg! Have you seen my dentures?" came a voice.

Peter jumped and looked around anxiously. "Who said that?"

"Me, the tent."

"You can talk too?"

"Everything can talk in Narnia," the tent explained. "Even us inanimate objects!"

"But it can also talk without its dentures…" Peter thought to himself. A ghastly thought formed in his mind. "Oh no! The tent must be a clone too!"

He pounced at the fabric, ripping down the rigging. A pole smashed over his head and gave him severe brain damage, but he hardly noticed.

An hour later, Oreius had to physically extract Peter from the folds of the tent. He threw the Pevensie off to one side before crouching down before the dying tent.

"…avenge…me…" the tent gasped, breathing its last breath, because tents can breathe.

Oreius howled in despair.

"NOOOOOO!" he sobbed. "He was my best friend…besides everyone else."

It was a sad day in Narnia as this terrible news spread. Aslan's tent was dead. They had lost a valuable companion, and now it was hard for many to keep living.

"I feel like dying," Peter moaned.

"But Peter, you can't! You have to lead us now!"

"Why?"

"Because Aslan's dead."

"Oh yeah. I forgot. Hold on—I thought you had major blood loss."

"I did. But after digesting porcupine livers, even the most blood-drained person can walk around like they're alive."

"So, you're not really alive?"

"No, I am. But Peter, you've got to realize that there's a whole arm out there, ready to stalk you by creeping along on its fingertips!"

"That's kind of gross. I can't! I don't want dismembered limbs following me!"

"Aslan believed you would. And…so do I."

"Are you coming onto me?" Peter shrieked girlishly.

"Oh, I don't know…" Edmund responded flirtatiously, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Cue screaming yaoi/incest fangirls. (_Raven: (shudders) iheartmwpp: (is one of the screaming fangirls) Raven: That's just not right. iheartmwpp (likes parentheses) Raven: (slaps herself)_)

Oreius approached the two Pevensie brothers.

"The Bitch's army is belching, sire. Their gases will contaminate our porcupine livers," he reported.

"Oh no! How will I live now?" Edmund whimpered.

"Your orders?" Oreius continued.

Peter thought for a moment.

"I'll have a Big Mac, some fries, and a coke. Oh, and throw in a sundae, will ya?"

"Is that it, sire?"

"Hmm? Oh, no, I think I'll have peanuts on the sundae too."

"Can I get something too?" Edmund whined.

Peter nodded.

"Alright then, I'll have YOUR BRAINS!" Edmund leaped for Oreius, but the centaur casually stepped out of the way. Edmund, instead of feasting on lovely brains, gulped down a family of rocks who screamed in protest.

Edmund groaned. "Oh crap, I just gained twenty pounds!"

"Fatty!" Peter laughed.

"Um, the battle music just started playing…" Oreius pointed out. "Shouldn't we do something to prepare for it?"

"Nah." Peter waved his hand dismissively. "Let's go glomp the Pope!"

"Yippee!" Edmund and Oreius shouted in unison.

And they did just that.

"WTF??" said the Pope. "I darn you all to heck!"

_A/N: Wow…we actually updated kind of quickly compared to before…whoop di do. _


	34. The Battle Begins

_A/N: Raven: So, we actually have nothing to talk about._

_iheartmwpp: Yeah, nothing at all._

_Raven: I mean, when you have nothing to say, you can't really say anything. _

_iheartmwpp: Exactly. So basically, we have nothing at all to say._

_Raven: Nope. Nothing at all. _

_Ned Flanders: Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all!_

_Homer Simpson: Stupid sexy Flanders! _

**Disclaimer: Chronicles of Narnia (really? That's what we're writing about??? AHHH!!), Chronicles of Narnia rap from SNL, the Simpsons and square whales.**

Chapter 34: The Battle Begins Kind of Except Not At All

"_It's the Chronic (what?) —cles of Narnia, Yes, the Chronic (what?) —cles of Narnia, We love that Chronic (what?) —cles of Narnia, Pass that Chronic (what?) —  
cles of Narnia…"_

The Bitch rapped away as about twelve other bad guys break-danced in the background. They were preparing for the battle their way, having arrived at the field hours before. They got bored waiting for the other army to come, so they wiled away the hours by partying wildly. They were so busy doing so, they didn't notice the flying pair of scissors as it monitored their position and then flew back to Peter to report on its findings.

As it circled down toward the Pevensie, astride his gallant sparkly unicorn, it slowed its speed to land gracefully in Peter's open palm. Peter, upon seeing the scissors in his hand, squealed in happiness and stabbed himself.

Oreius rolled his eyes. Peter had been doing this all morning.

"Sire, I really think you should stop doing that. You could give yourself brain damage," he wisely advised.

"Too late!" Peter replied, his eyes and face twitching sporadically. "Besides, I'm feeling particularly emo today. I need to get it out of my system before the battle."

"Um…emo-ness doesn't exist yet. We're only in the 1940s you know."

"Oh really? Bugger!" He grabbed the scissors and yanked them out of his chest where they sputtered angrily.

"What the hell???" the scissors screamed.

"Oh hello there," Peter introduced himself nonchalantly, and then narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Do you have dentures?"

"Uh, no."

"Good. Now fly away, dear scissors!" Peter flicked the scissors off his hand. They landed in Oreius's lap as Peter smiled serenely.

"Is he always like this?" the scissors whispered, nodding toward the eldest Pevensie.

"Sadly, yes," Oreius sighed.

"I feel very bad for you."

"I feel very bad for everyone. He kind of has to lead us."

"We're screwed," the scissors casually pointed out.

"You mean, we're cut!" Peter cried out, laughing. "Because you're a pair of scissors and not a screwdriver, ha ha, get it? Get it?"

Oreius didn't laugh. "Yes, sire."

"Now, what should we do?"

"Well, sire, I have some news of the enemy. They're dancing."

"What? I wanna dance!" Peter said, outraged.

"Dancing does not win a battle!" Oreius interrupted.

"It could, if we SURPRISE!!"

"Um, what?"

Peter shrugged. "I don't know, maybe SURPRISE!"

"Not the catchphrases again!" Oreius moaned.

"No, I'm using the element of surprise…SURPRISE!!"

"Oh. How clever of you."

"Hey, Oreius, where are you going?"

"I'm going to go cut myself."

"Have fun!"

"I hate you."

Peter watched the retreating centaur and wondered who was going to save him later. He decided it didn't matter, seeing as he would probably impale himself later. So, turning to another actor replacing Oreius (his stunt double), Peter told him his plan. It was to run and scream like little girls. Oreius's stunt double readily agreed.

Then came lots of noise. The Bitch looked up from her rapping to see Aslan's army surrounding her.

"Oh crap!" Her army raced to their positions.

And then came the dramatic moment.

"QUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK!" roared the Cochickostish, thrusting his trident into the air.

The Bitch's army answered him with various noises that sounded like various kitchen appliances. This empowered them to move over the hills and come into plain view. Strange animals wandered in and out of the shot, as well as the originals: Cochickostishes, neon orange octopi, weird froggy things as seen in Chapter 19, the evil Mary-Sue, and of course the Bitch, adorned in potato peelings after her recent victory over the Great Potato Aslan. She was pulled by tadpoles in a magnificent carriage with square wheels.

The whole procession stopped for a moment. The tadpoles flopped feebly on the ground.

"Okay, whose brilliant idea was this?" the Bitch demanded.

"Well, it was yours, Your Majesty," a puppy-dog man pointed out.

She rounded on him fiercely, jabbing a finger in his gut. "Hey, if I wanted your opinion, I would've given it to you."

"Yes, Your Majesty!" When she wasn't looking, the poor creature clutched his stomach. "That was my good liver!" he groaned.

"Now, would someone please PULL MY SLEIGH!" A couple of octopi reluctantly rushed to help. They staggered forward, heaving every time the square wheels attempted to turn.

Flanking them at the front of the army were a bunch of identically painted telephone poles, which were supposed to resemble Siberian tigers, who were rolling forward. They couldn't use real tigers because they were endangered, and Andrew Adamson didn't want anymore lawsuits than the ones that already existed.

CAMERA PAN!!

The camera then panned to show the scope of the armies. Peter stared at the Bitch, trying to muster courage that was nonexistent. He turned to regard his own force just in time to see his own brother as he plummeted off the side of a one hundred foot cliff.

"Was that in the script?" he wondered aloud.

"I didn't do it!" Mr. Beaver shouted over the din, hiding his weapon of choice, an umbrella, behind his back.

"Yes he did!" yelled a random faun, but he wasn't yelling for very long because he suddenly found an umbrella shoved down his throat and then opened.

Mr. Beaver laughed nervously. "I still didn't do it! You didn't see anything," he continued, pointing at the fauns around him with a threatening expression on his face. They backed away in fear.

Peter frowned and then noticed an arm sticking out of a pile of rubble at the base of the mountain.

"…I'm…okay…!" Edmund croaked.

Peter sighed in relief. Edmund wasn't supposed to die, yet, and he was looking forward to when it was planned to happen later.

Clearing his throat, he faced the enemy once more. He sighed and then triumphantly raised his sword (which was still cardboard, by the way). There was silence. He pumped his fist again. There was still silence. No one in his army got where he was going with this.

"Hello? I'm trying to build up on everyone's spirits!"

From off-screen came a horrible trumpeting noise; the real Oreius had just learned that he could save money on car insurance by switching to Geico. The army erupted in cheers, riled by the bugling sound. Peter had a sweatdrop.

The camera turned back to the Bitch.

"I have a profound interest in stuffed animals. Stuff them all!"

"With stuffing?" spoke up a random villain.

"Yes!"

"But not the turkey kind, right?"

"No, of course not! The fluffy stuffing, for teddy bears and all."

"TEDDY!" screamed iheartmwpp, a million miles away. Raven quickly smothered her with a pillow.

"QQQUUUUAAACCKKK!!" replied the Cochickostish as the noise of the Bitch's army swelled and began to charge forward.

Peter sat up straight on his sparkly unicorn, looking dignified, when he suddenly slipped off the side. He landed with a clang on the ground.

"Ow."

Seeing as the army was still advancing, Peter quickly scrambled back up onto his unicorn. Amidst the pile of rubble, Edmund painstakingly drew his sword and raised it up in his hand, waving it back and forth.

Aslan's army waited for Peter's signal as the eldest Pevensie raised his sword, calling forth the flying scissors, pencils, pens and other assorted flying school supplies. All of them clutched giant dog bones in whatever clutching limbs they possessed. As they swooped over the Bitch's army, they dropped their bones, which the puppy-men immediately devoured. This caused them to get sleepy so they went home for nappy-poos and were joined by the school supplies, who were tired of being magical and from flying.

"Well there goes half of our forces…" the Bitch muttered under her breath.

Peter smiled as he saw the Bitch's army crumbling a little bit. He glanced at Oreius's stunt double.

"Are you with me?" he asked.

"Nope. I was only paid to be here."

"Oh…well, could you pretend?"

"Give me fifty bucks."

"Son of a— Fine! Here,"

Oreius's stunt double took the cash and ran from the scene.

Peter cursed. "Now I'm feeling more emo than ever!"

He was spared his emo-ness, however, as he received his cue. He cleared his throat and raised his sword on high.

"For Narnia and for…that guy thing…that was cool…until he was a potato and then…did stuff…what's his name?"

"Aslan," whispered a random animal.

"ASLANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!" Peter screamed.

By the time he was done, his whole army had trampled over him. He coughed. "That kind of…hurt inside." He climbed back on his unicorn and continued forward.

He managed to catch up and head to the front while everyone else was in slow motion, and then reduced his own speed to match theirs.

It was a dramatic moment.

"QQQQUUUUAAAACCCKKK!"

"WTF???"

After that outburst, silence descended upon them all.

"Why are we all silent?" Peter whispered.

"We're trying to build the suspense!" a stunt guy informed him at his side.

"Oh. Okay then," Peter answered, lowering the visor on his helmet. He immediately became blind and swerved to the far left, crashing into the only tree in the field.

Meanwhile, the telephone poles and the blenders were fighting violently. Everyone else had stopped to watch such an equal fight. They were rewarded by everyone dying.

After the carnage was washed away, a faun spoke up before he could get into his place to fight.

"Hey, Andrew Adamson! We were promised donuts! Where are they?"

The entire cast turned to the director who smiled sheepishly. "Uh…what donuts?"

The majority of both armies threw down their weapons in disgust and walked away. This left the main actors plus a couple other computer generated characters on the scene who couldn't eat donuts anyways because they themselves weren't real.

"Well, this just feels silly," the Bitch commented.

Peter nodded. "Yeah…so, you wanna get lunch?"

"Chinese?"

"Okay."

Almost all the rest of the cast deserted the field. Only Edmund was left in his pile of rubble, his arm sticking out and waving his sword frantically.

"Yay! Who's winning, guys?" There was no reply. "Uh…guys? Guys??? GUYS?!?!?!?"


	35. Stuff Happens

_A/N: iheartmwpp: This story is becoming more random than most of our other stories combinededededededed._

_Raven: Are you kidding me? Have you even read Blarg or Major Yugioh Bashing recently?_

_iheartmwpp: Well, you know, I often slurp cyanide._

_Raven: Oooo, what does it taste like?_

_iheartmwpp: It often tastes like cyanide._

_Raven: Really? Wait, when does it not taste like cyanide?_

_iheartmwpp: When a dinosaur teleports into my brain and invents the telephone._

_Raven: Okay, that makes sense._

**Disclaimer: **We do not own _The Chronicles of Narnia_, _The Lord of the Rings_, Volkswagen Beetles (sadly), QVC, _Kyou Kara Maou_, _Yugioh Abridged, Yu Yu Hakusho Abridged_, Chuck E' Cheeses, or shaving cream. Although we do own the lines we used in our A/N, which come from the aforementioned stories. Yes, we need professional help.

Chapter 35: Stuff Happens...Yeah...That's About It...

The birds were chirping…OMINOUSLY!

Susan and Lucy were ignoring them as they shaved off their beards.

"Man, I looked worse than Aragorn for a bit! Such stubble!" Lucy commented, lathering her face with shaving cream.

"Mmm…Aragorn," Susan drooled.

"Hey, no more Lord of the Ring's references!"

"That still only counts as one!" Susan retorted fiercely.

"Susan, shut up. You smell like Germany!"

Susan was confused. "Don't you mean 'germy'?"

"No."

"So then you're referring to the country?"

Lucy's face was deadpan. "No. I'm referring to the bug crawling up your arm."

Susan scoffed and then screamed. True enough, there were tiny Volkswagen Beetles driving up her arms.

"AHHHHHH!!!" Susan yelled.

Lucy sighed. "Well that was completely pointless. No relevancy to the plot whatsoever."

Suddenly, the wind howled…OMINOUSLY!

"Okay, enough with the 'ominously'!" cried iheartmwpp.

"You're no fun at all," whined Raven.

Susan and Lucy whirled around to see the massive Pewter Toilet EXPLODING! Cracks ran down the side, and water spewed out of it like a fountain. And who could erupt from the bowels of the plumbing system but Aslan, in his old lion form!

"'Sup, bitches?" he declared.

Susan and Lucy stared.

"Whoa, I wasn't expecting that," Lucy remarked, her eyes wide.

"Trippy," Susan agreed.

They hesitated and then ran up to the newly born lion, glomping him furiously.

"But, how are you here? We saw the Bitch flush the toilet!" Susan demanded, not believing her eyes.

Aslan smiled. "If the Bitch knew the true artistry of plumbing, she'd know not to flush me down the toilet when there was already a massive clog caused by one of the witch's dresses. It was made of human teeth and it was ordered off QVC, but it was far too small. Anyway, I ended up getting trapped in an alternate dimension where they thought I was King. I slapped someone, got married, (KYOU KARA MAOU REFERENCE!!) had fourteen beautiful children, and then came back here to save the world from total destruction. Face it, you guys suck."

Susan and Lucy nodded.

"It's our brothers' fault," Lucy declared.

"And they've probably gone to war. Just a guess. A pretty good estimate, I suppose…" Susan surmised.

"Yeah! We've got to help them!" Lucy cried, drawing her dagger with a fierce swipe.

Sadly, she was quite close to Aslan and misinterpreted the distance between them. Basically, she lopped off his nose.

"AHHH!"

Aslan writhed in pain and then calmed down.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go bleed somewhere," he said offhandedly.

"We'll come with you!" Susan exclaimed.

Aslan rolled his eyes.

"Fine," he muttered. "But I can't stand looking at your faces. Get on my back. We have to get somewhere and we don't have any limes!"

Susan and Lucy gasped as they clambered onto his back.

"And you may want to pour salt into your eyes," he advised them.

"But why would we want to do that? Wouldn't it cause us unbearable agony?" Susan wondered.

"Exactly."

There was silence for a few moments.

"But—"

"Just do it. Besides, your screams will mask mine!" Aslan answered.

The Pevensie siblings screeched in pain as they shook salt into their pupils while Aslan roared triumphantly.

"Meow," he whispered before flying into the sunset.

* * *

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, the battle was still raging on. There were growls, roars, grunts, pickles, screams, shrieks and moans, indicating great happiness. Peter was riding gallantly through the hoard, flashing all enemies in sight. This caused them to stop and stare before getting impaled by Aslan's army. The only way Aslan's army was protected from Peter's vast sexiness was by wearing high-tech sunglasses that distorted the picture. 

The Bitch, however, knew Peter's only weakness. She smirked as she raised a giant mirror from the ground. Peter halted at seeing his beautiful reflection and was forced to comb his ever smexy hair. This was the Bitch's chance! But alas, her plan was foiled by a long-range bag of flaming poo.

Back on the mountainside, Edmund had painstakingly removed himself from the rubble and climbed back to the top. Mr. Beaver had cursed at the sight of him, but signaled to the centaur that sent a signal that signaled a bag signaling defeat for the Bitch…signal. A random creature pulled back a catapult and flung the infamous flaming bag of poo toward the Bitch, igniting some very convenient gun powder on the ground. Flames divided the two armies and Aslan's army celebrated as if they had won a great victory.

Which of course, they hadn't. Not yet at least. GASP!! SPOILERS!!

However, the fire was no match for the Bitch. The flames took one look at her and ran away screaming. She had that effect on people…and inanimate objects. Because that makes sense.

Anyways, she plowed through the attempted barrier, lurching every time her wheels tried to turn, seeing as they were still square. It was quite an undignified entrance.

Peter glanced at the Bitch before finally removing his helmet altogether. He had run into that single tree, the only one in the field, about twenty times already and he didn't really want to scar his natural beauty any longer. He turned and looked back, practically connecting eyes with his brother on the cliff despite them being three hundred miles apart. Somehow, seeing Edmund made Peter want to admit defeat.

"Fall back! Draw them to the Chuck E' Cheese Ball Pit of DOOM!" Peter yelled, retreating. Suddenly a horn sounded.

"That's the signal! Come on!" Mr. Beaver echoed, shoving Edmund off the cliff when he was distracted by the noise.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHaaaaahhhhhhhh…" Edmund screamed as he fell. "Damn."

* * *

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Susan and Lucy were flying through outer space on Aslan's back. 

Lucy frowned. "Aslan, how are you flying? I mean, you're not a giant flying potato anymore."

"I have no idea," Aslan responded. There was silence for a few moments.

"How did we end up here?"

Aslan shrugged sheepishly. "I guess I took a wrong turn…"

There was more silence.

"How are we not dying? We don't even have helmets."

Susan rolled her eyes. "What's with all the questions already? This is a bloody parody. It doesn't have to make sense!" To emphasize her point, they all exploded.

* * *

As the army retreated, they were careful to avoid the numerous ball pits in the way. Many learned how to fly and leaped over them with ease. Even the rhinoceros. 

But evil had not been completely avoided. As Peter galloped by on his sparkly unicorn, the mean one-eared puppy dog man (after having taken a quick nap once he finished his dog bones) wanted revenge, and completed it by shooting an arrow at the eldest Pevensie's unicorn.

The head Cochicostrish was quite pissed off by this once they headed back to their trailer, as he had been told _he_ was the one to kill the unicorn.

The unicorn flumped to the ground as Peter went flying forwards, landing on the ground with a SMACK.

"Not my face! My gorgeous face!" he moaned as he writhed on the ground.

By this point, Edmund had climbed back up the cliff only to find that everyone was on the battlefield below. He grew angry but then concerned as he saw Peter flopping around on the ground.

He pouted. "Why does Peter get to do the cool stuff, like having a seizure?" he whined out loud.

Oreius's stunt double's stunt double reappeared in the movie, and happened to notice the jealous look on Edmund's face about three million miles away. His Peter senses tingling, he looked back to see the eldest Pevensie brother rolling in the grass.

"I'm a caterpillar!" Peter yelled. Things were not looking good.

In order to cover up for Peter's sudden idiocy, Oreius's stunt double's stunt double and the flea on his back raced forward to create a diversion. They swung swords at their enemies as they left Peter in the dust.

Peter waved after them, a loopy grin on his face. "Bye-bye! Have fun now, kiddies!"

Oreius's stunt double's stunt double and the flea charged, making quick work of some random beasts in the Bitch's collection. Sadly, the flea was taken down early and Oreius's stunt double's stunt double had to fill in for him, slashing away at the lead Cochickostish until the great creature was no more. He then approached the Bitch, but her Spoon of Turning did its work: Oreius's stunt double's stunt double became a frozen glass of orange juice.

Peter laughed.


	36. Mmm Explanations That Don't Make Sense

_A/N: We like watermelons, Doctor Who, and the Pendragon series. Yay those things!_

**Disclaimer:** We don't own the _Chronicles of Narnia,_ the _Demented Cartoon Movie_, or sporks.

Chapter 36: Mmm…Explanations That Don't Really Make Sense…

Jack wanted Marianne to be his. So one night, he came home from dinner with a water fowl dangling around his shoulders. He wanted to prove to her that he was strong, and a mighty hunter that could provide for her. Marianne saw the fowl dangling from his shoulders and cried out loudly. Jack jumped back in surprise as she attacked him with a knife. It turns out that he had murdered her pet duck Ducky. Now that Ducky had met his demise, Marianne decided it was high time for Jack to do so as well. So, with one foul swipe, Marianne ended Jack's miserable life and lived happily ever after with a salesman. Jack proceeded to haunt the salesman thereafter.

Wait, what? Okay, let's just pretend that didn't happen…

There was a brilliant segway into the castle grounds with the statues as Oreius's stunt double's stunt double was turned into orange juice. Remarkably, the same glass of orange juice appeared in the Bitch's inflatable castle's backyard. How, you wonder? Well, time is like a coconut. It is round, slightly hairy, has milk inside and _comes from palm trees_. Yes, get your mind out of unhappy places. It's dark and scary there…

Anyway, it was much less dark and scary in the Bitch's graveyard of death and evil. Actually, the Bitch got bored of all the scary, gloomy and quite unresponsive statues. She found them pretty dull, considering their lack of movement…hence them being statues. In order to quench both her boredom and her hunger, she turned all the dreary statues into happy pieces of monster cotton candy, which she ate in her spare time. Thus, the amount of creatures in the yard was rather depleted, making Aslan swear as he walked in.

"Damn! I thought this would be a good idea!" he cursed angrily.

Susan and Lucy ignored him as they pondered their route from outer space, to explosiveness and back to Narnia again. It was rather perplexing.

"Aslan?" Lucy spoke up innocently.

Aslan was muttering to himself and didn't hear her.

"ASLAN??" she repeated loudly.

"What?!" he snarled.

"How did we get here?"

"Well, when two people love each other very much…"

"I know about _that_!" Lucy fiercely interrupted him. "I mean, how did we come from the galaxy to the Bitch's backyard?"

"Oh _that_!" Aslan laughed insecurely. "Well, uh…You know what you get when you have one piece of string and you tie it to another piece of string?"

Lucy thought hard for a moment. "A knot?"

"Yeah, that, and two pieces of string tied together! Also known as one really long piece of string."

"Oh, okay." Pause. "Wait, what does that have to do with anything?"

"I like string."

"But I—"

"Lucy, shut up. Can't you see it's pointless?" Susan cut in sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

Lucy pouted in her general direction and stomped off to appease her anger by eating so much food she could feed an entire family of acorns. This is always how she released her rage; by eating.

Susan sighed at her sister's habits, turning to look at all the remaining pieces of cotton candy. She noticed one Lucy was about to devour. Actually, Lucy had already eaten its left leg. Susan's eyes widened in horror as she raced forward to stop her sister.

"NO! NOT THAT ONE!! THAT ONE'S SEXY!!"

Lucy paused mid-bite, cocking her head as Susan flailed her arms. "What's the matter, Susan?" she asked finally, taking her mouth off of the creature's remaining stub for a leg.

Susan just made silly outraged noises at her.

"HOLY SALTINE CRACKERS, BATMAN!!" she screamed incoherently. (_A/N: Read "Blarg," it's funnier in context.)_

Lucy stared at her before processing her statement. She glanced at the cotton candy figure and gasped.

"Mr. Tumnus!" she gasped.

"Lucy, you better puke up his leg _now_ or this whole godforsaken movie is ruined!" Susan ordered.

Lucy began to cry.

Luckily, Aslan swooped in to save the day by running offset to jump on a trampoline, squealing all the way. Little did he know that it was a MAGICAL trampoline that specifically brought cotton candy creatures back to life.

Tumnus shuddered and then fell over due to his absence of a leg.

"Okay, who ate my leg?" he demanded testily, very annoyed.

Lucy looked down, shamefaced.

"I'm sorry. I could barf it up for you, if you want!" she exclaimed, looking up hopefully.

Tumnus grimaced. "Um, no thank you. I'd rather not have a barf leg, if that's okay with you."

Aslan then made his grand second entrance, stopping before Tumnus and glancing down at him.

"Are you okay, fellow thingy?" he asked, faking concern.

"Besides my whole no-leg-thing, I'm fine."

"I can fix that!" Aslan declared. Raising his head, he hacked out a fine lougie that turned into ant feelers, which attached to Tumnus's head. They were about a foot long, thin, black and hairy, and they could feel things very well, hence them being called feelers. Unfortunately, this was not what Tumnus had in mind.

"I needed a leg, not ant feelers," he pointed out.

Aslan huffed.

"Have you ever heard the proverb 'beggars can't be choosers'?"

"Well, yes, but I don't think it applies here—"

"SHUT THE HELL UP I'M GOD!" Aslan yelled.

Tumnus backed away and was then glomped by Susan, whose reaction was a little belated.

"Mr. Tumnus!" she shrieked girlishly, which kind of made sense as she was indeed a girl.

Tumnus blushed as Aslan disappeared for a moment, only to reappear seconds later followed by two mosquitoes intent on fighting in the battle. They were the only volunteers.

"So, we're screwed," Aslan announced as the mosquitoes landed on his back.

He swatted at them because they itched him, killing them in the process.

"God killed us!" they moaned sadly as they died.

Tumnus rolled his eyes.

"Oh bloody hell! Just get back to the battle already!"

The authoresses complied.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Bitch was generally being evil and killing things. As she did so, she scanned the crowd for Peter, targeting him for her next cotton candy creature. His sexiness would ensure delicious flavor. Mmm….Peter…. 

Anyway, two kamikaze watermelons flung themselves at her, only to be turned into two gigantic buckets of onion rings. The Bitch was quite pleased with herself and commenced shoving them down her gullet. Mmm…gullet…

As she did this, Peter was also scanning the crowd, although he was looking at his friends getting chopped down like unruly hedges bordering your yard and your neighbor's nasty goat. It made Peter feel a little sad, although most of him felt happy. When he fell on the ground before, he feared his sexiness had been marred. Looking at all the death around him and seeing everyone getting splattered with mud, blood and various internal organs, he felt rather attractive considering the effects of the battle did not show on him at all.

Peter suddenly noticed the Bitch finishing her batch of onion rings. He grew infuriated.

"I WANTED SOME ONION RINGS!!" he screamed deafeningly, unaware that the onion rings used to be on his side.

The Bitch glared at him with a haughty expression.

In that instant, Peter realized that he was actually going to have to fight someone, and he had been practicing all along with only a plastic spork. He knew nothing of real combat, but hell, he could damage with a spork. Sadly, he didn't have a spork on him. He had left all of them behind in his magical Spork Land where no one would ever find them.

Abruptly, he turned to Edmund who was having fun sharing and caring.

"Sharing is caring, it can be fun!" Ed sang giddily. "Here; I'll take your sword, and you can have mine! Oops…sorry, I kind of got you in the gut there. Too bad you missed me!" he laughed genially.

"AARRRAGGGHH!" his friend screamed in pain before collapsing to the ground.

"Oh…uh…my bad," Edmund apologized, staring at the corpse. He glanced upward at the sky with a tearful expression. "Why do all my friends keep dying???" he cried brokenly.

"Edmund!" Peter yelled at his brother. "There's too many tacos!"

As Peter said this, tacos began to rain from the sky. It was, needless to say, a bizarre Mexican fiesta.

"Get my spork collection out of my other undies! Oh, and don't hesitate to sacrifice yourself on the way!" Peter added.

"Okay!" Edmund replied, about to follow Peter's orders for once in his life.

While they were both talking, no one attempted to stab them. Everyone on the set knew the rules of Anime, mainly the Naruto Anime; let the main characters stop fighting suddenly and start a long-ass monologue, and then start fighting again after they finish said monologue. Of course, this movie is not an Anime, so that actually makes no sense whatsoever. It was just a miracle. Or something.

"You heard Peter! Go sacrifice yourself—I mean search through his frilly underwear!" Mr. Beaver called, yanking Edmund away from the battle.

Peter, by this time, got assaulted by two random bad guys, and after pepper-spraying them, ran for his life in the wrong direction, seeing as the Bitch was rapidly approaching.

Edmund, looking back, saw the Bitch gaining on his brother. He was about to blatantly ignore Peter's dire need of assistance, until he noticed the Spoon of Turning in the Bitch's hand…IT WAS GLOWING AND SPARKLY!!! Edmund immediately forgot everything he was doing and ran blindly towards the light. He jumped down in front of the Bitch and, before she knew what happened, promptly bit off half of the spoon and began to chew on it. A light dazzled the area as the Bitch's evil magic was destroyed.

Edmund munched triumphantly.

Well, until the Bitch rammed the rest of the spoon into his kidneys. He gasped in pain and fell slowly to the ground.

"EDMUND!" Peter mouthed.

Suddenly, his angsty moment paused. He clutched his throat and tried to speak again. No sound came out.

"What the hell?" he mouthed.

The whole scene stopped as the rest of the cast found themselves silenced, as if some demonic bunny rabbit was toiling with the controls of the universal remote.

"Where's the audio?" Peter mouthed angrily at the director, who shrugged. "Hello? Hello? Where is my beautiful voice??" Peter mouthed in dismay as he repeatedly tried to talk aloud.

Then it all dawned on him. His brother had pretty much just died. He fell to his knees and began to scream in agony. The audio was turned back on for this serious moment.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

_A/N: Insert insane evil laughter here._


	37. Chapter of Fate and Other Potted Plants

...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...


	38. Feathers Come From Birds

...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...


	39. RWARG!

"…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOO

OOOOOOO

OOOOOO

OOOOO

OOOO

OOO

OO

O..."

Peter gasped for breath as his lungs folded upon themselves, all air gone.He collapsed forward onto the ground, flopping like a fish.

"I was wondering when he'd stop for God's sake!" Lucy rolled her eyes as she gazed down at her brother's twitching body. She glanced at Aslan beside her. "No offense for using your name in vain...or something."

"I don't care! I'm a carnivore!" Aslan retorted as if his refutation made absolute sense.

Lucy shrugged. She was just happy Peter had shut his festering gob.

_A/N: So are you happy that we stopped the NOOOO's? And no, we weren't just being lazy and posted a bunch of O's because we couldn't think of anything; we actually had this planned for a long while. We don't blame you if you don't understand our strange-ass humor, as we often don't understand it ourselves. But, we thought it was funny and we wanted to torture you, so yeah. We're surprised that no one has gotten close enough to kill us, although there have been threatening pieces of burning garbage...I have no idea what that means..._

**Disclaimer: **We own nothing from the _Chronicles of Narnia_, _Monty Python_, _Kung Pow_, or _Yu Yu Hakusho_.

Chapter 39: RWARG!

Peter suddenly regained conscious and noticed the newcomers; his sisters and Aslan. "Hey...where did you guys come from?"

"We've been here for THREE chapters!" Susan exclaimed fiercely. "We've been standing here staring at you scream for NO APPARENT REASON!!!"

Peter was silent for a moment before remembering why he had been screaming. "But...Edmund is...deaded...almost...NOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—"

Lucy bitch slapped him. "OH MY GOD! STFU!!"

Peter began to hack, hack, hack, cough, cough, hack, hack, choke, hack, hack, cough, gag, gag, choke, sing, dance, choke, choke, cough, cough, hack, gag, hack, and upchuck a pair of sandals. (_A/N: Once again, READ BLARG! I'm getting all nostalgic...ah, the good 'ole days...)_

"Oh, I was looking for those," Aslan mused aloud as he stored them in his pouch by eating them.

"So, um, anyway...the battle and all... Peter, what's going on?" Susan questioned.

"Huh?" Peter responded intelligently, for the first time becoming aware of his surroundings. No one was in the field except for the Bitch, who was dancing the tango by herself over Edmund's limp body.

Peter was horrified to see the Bitch's terrible dancing; he was a master tango artist after all.

"You are such a bitch, Bitch!" he cried as he stood up and ran toward the Bitch.

She noticed him approaching and paused in her routine. All of a sudden, she went down on one knee and hoisted Peter into the air like a ballerina. Peter expertly threw out his arms and legs to look like he was flying as the Bitch held him up with one hand and spun him around. She gracefully alighted him on the ground and they commenced a dazzling routine combining every dance technique possible.

Lucy and Susan stared, terror-bound, as their eldest brother, in midst of a swirling dip, accidentally stepped on his brother's body.

"I'm...not...dead...yet..." Edmund croaked.

Peter's eyes widened in horror as he recalled his brother's fate. "NO! EDMUND!" His jaw set determinedly, he glared at the Bitch and spun her hard.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" the Bitch cried happily as she spun toward Aslan. Then she noticed Aslan's widely opened mouth. "NOT SO WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" she exclaimed as Aslan summoned two gigantic slices of bread and mayonnaise, clamped her in them, and ate her in one gulp.

"Oh my! He just ate her face!" Lucy declared.

"And the rest of her body, idiot" Susan added with a disdainful air.

Lucy pouted. "But we don't KNOW that, do we? We never see her again in the movie."

"We don't?" Susan repeated in disbelief. "Not even her mangled corpse?"

"Nope," Lucy echoed sadly. "They had to keep the PG rating."

Susan began to pout.

Suddenly, everyone remembered that Tumnus was there.

"I'm here!" Tumnus said.

Peter stared at him in horror. "No...it's not possible...my worst nightmare...SOMEONE'S SEXIER THAN ME!! NOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—"

Susan threw a cat at his head and he fell unconscious.

"Meow," the cat meowed. Get it? It's a cat.

"Wait, isn't that cat supposed to talk? I mean, we're in Narnia...everything talks. Hell, Aslan's tent, a family of rocks, and a pair of FLYING SCISSORS FREAKIN' TALKED!!" Lucy pointed out.

"OMGSTFUIHYYSADRNSIRHAOYGAYSLF. Y!" the cat yelled as it ran off screen.

"What the heck did it just say?" Lucy wondered.

"It's an acronym, my BFF Lu," Susan explained. "He said 'Oh my god shut the freak up I hate you you should all die right now seriously I really hate all of you go away you smell like figs. Yeah.' "

"Oh okay."

Meanwhile, Tumnus felt rather insignificant in this scene. His character pretty much sucked, despite his sexiness. In order to prove useful, Tumnus decided to look for a nonexistent enemy to destroy.

He found the tree in the middle of the field. It was just standing there...being a tree.

Tumnus decided that it was going down.

He rammed into it with his mighty abdominal muscles repeatedly. He hoped to body-slam it to death. However, it was a tree, so that wouldn't work at all.

But no one cared about Tumnus's incredible stupidity. They all had more important issues to take care of, namely Edmund's impending death.

Lucy and Susan ran over to Edmund, almost crying because they were sad. Their brother was dying after all. Actually, they were getting paid to cry so even if it looked like crap (like Lucy) they didn't really care. They just needed those tears coming from their eyes.

"Edmund!" Lucy cried as she knelt down beside him. "Where, where does it hurt?"

"Oh...pretty much around the big bloody spot..." Edmund gasped. "Only a minor hole in my stomach."

Lucy absorbed this information and then decided to utterly ignore it. She removed the flask of magical potions at her side and uncapped the bottle. Tilting it, she gently emptied the entirely contents into Edmund's mouth. He gargled and choked helplessly as Susan and Lucy anxiously held their breaths.

All of a sudden, Edmund sat up and spit out the liquid.

"BLECH! I did not get paid enough to drink THAT! What is wrong with you??" he accused Lucy. "I was all serious and ready to go, but you had to come be an IMBECILE!! If I was really dying, pour a gallon of that crap down my mouth would make me drown, for crying out loud!"

Lucy blinked at him and glanced at Susan. "Edmund is speaking strangely, sister. Is he alright?"

Susan slapped her younger brother with her infamous bitch slap of life and death. Edmund passed out. "Look, he's alive!" she exclaimed, hugging her brother and squeezing all the jelly out of his eyes.

"My turn, my turn!" Lucy yelled as she glomped her brother.

As this was happening, Ginarrbrik cautiously made his way out of the field. When he got near the Pevensies, he began a little jig to celebrate his whole not-dying thing.

"I'm alive! I'm alive! Yippee yippee me! I am happy to be alive!" he danced.

Susan promptly shot him with her arrow before going back to glomping her brother.

"I'm...not...alive...this sucks..." Ginarrbrik gasped as he died.


	40. The Lunchboxes Danced Upon the Pillows

_A/N: iheartmwpp: I'd just like to point out that the very end of this chapter was partially stolen from one of my fics, _Bothering Sephiroth

_Raven: So we read this story in French, and this guy dies, and his girlfriend's like, "I can't live without him!" And so she dies on the spot. It was happy._

_iheartmwpp: ...I see._

**Disclaimer:** We do not own certain lines stolen from _The Simpsons_, _Inuyasha_,_ Avatar: The Abridged Series_, or Jeff Foxworthy. We also don't own the dream put in by CoriOreo (you're just an all around awesome person, you know that?).

Chapter 40: The Lunchboxes Danced Upon The Fluffy Pillows

The battle was over, and the movie should have been over GODAMNIT, but the producers decided to screw with everyone and show the complete happy ending.

It started with Edmund not dying, although it didn't really make people that happy.

After that, the camera panned to some random toothbrushes grooming each other on some rocks in the middle of the ocean. Once they realized the camera was on them, they jumped into the waves and began to frolic, leaping, skipping, shooting meteorites from the moon at earth because they wanted a DVD that had been given to them by a crazy guy that consequently made their mom angry because there were holes in the roof, squealing excitedly and then pouncing upon helpless people on land whose teeth were not brushed properly. A great amount of carnage ensued as the toothbrushes were heedless of their victims' need to breathe.

The camera guy paused for a moment.

"Uh, Andrew? Should we taping all this? I mean, it's kind of…death…"

The director Andrew Adamson shrugged. "We taped the battle. I think people get the picture. Narnia is a violent place. There's nothing we can do about it."

"But this is a Disney movie!" the camera guy protested feebly.

Andrew was silent a moment, contemplating. "Um, you're fired."

The camera guy stared at him. "I hate you."

"Meh, join the club."

After the camera guy was replaced by a hobo off the street, the movie continued. People wondered at the sudden, awful, camera-quality, but then they realized that the hobo was actually a duck. And the duck had not attended college, so it didn't know how to hold a camera properly. Because that's all that college teaches these days. This statement made the authors wonder why they were even bothering to apply.

Moving on…

There was a wide shot of the…well, it was supposed to be a castle, but someone with a grudge against Aslan for stealing their cheesecake decided to steal the castle.

Andrew Adamson ripped out his hair in frustration and the entire cast of four people, two donkeys, a duck, three sponges, a glue stick that tasted like ice cream and a car made out of flamingos turned to glare at Aslan, who smiled sheepishly. He tried to shrug off his mortal enemy as nothing more than a piece of celery, which his mortal enemy happened to be. Nevertheless, it didn't go over very well and everyone pretty much wanted to kill Aslan. The problem occurred when they realized that Aslan was God and he could smite them on a whim.

The scene recommenced, although the castle was still missing. Instead of the fabulous palace, there was a pile of dirt full of…dirty…dirt…dirt. Yeah, it was pretty much dirt if you didn't get that.

Peter raised his eyebrows as he looked down at the dirt. "I am _not_ getting filthy in there. That would make me un-beautiful, and that just can't happen or the world will end."

Lucy laughed as she pushed him into the pile of dirt.

"DAMN YOU IRONY!" Peter cursed as he flopped about in the dirt.

Edmund pointed at him and giggled. "Now I can laugh at _you_ for once and no one will hurt me!"

Someone chucked a jalapeño at him. It hit Edmund square in the cornea. It took him a moment to realize what had happened before he glanced down.

"Oh! A jalapeño!" He grabbed it and immediately stuffed it up his nose. Moments later, his eyes began watering.

He moaned. "Now my boogers are spicy! They taste like burning!"

Susan watched her brother writhe in pain and smirked. "This coming from the guy who blew off a gaping hole in his gut," she cynically commented.

Meanwhile, Peter had vacuumed himself off and was looking brand-spanking new.

He licked his lips. "Oh yeah, I'm hot!" he declared seductively.

Lucy pushed him off a cliff. Figuratively. Which meant that she really didn't; she just thought about it. She giggled evilly to herself.

Susan approached her eldest brother. "Cover your hands with your eyes," she ordered.

Peter gazed at her questioningly. "That's not physically possible," he snidely pointed out.

Susan turned into Satan. "DO IT NOW OR I WILL FEAST ON YOUR INNARDS!"

"So?"

"WITHOUT ANY SALT!!"

Peter's knees buckled as his face registered utmost horror. He couldn't let that happen! In order to make a compromise, he covered his eyes with his hands, standing up slowly so that Susan/Satan could see that he was being a good boy.

Susan/Satan promptly kicked him in his happy place.

Peter sank to the ground, in terrible agony.

"I need those to make babies!" he croaked weakly.

"What was that for?" he demanded a second later.

Susan/Satan glared at him. "For dragging me to Narnia!" she screamed.

"That's not my fault! It's Lucy's fault!"

"I don't care! I have misplaced anger and I'm taking it out on you! SO DEAL WITH IT!!"

Peter cowered before Susan/Satan's might.

"Do you know how much I've been through?!" she ranted.

"But…you haven't really done anything… I mean, you didn't even take part in the battle!"

"Hello! I shot Ginarrbrik!"

"Who's that?"

"Oh…you know, that puppy-dog guy…with the Bitch…"

"Him? Comic relief villain characters don't count for anything, sis. Sorry to burst your bubble."

"Bubble? Where?" Susan demanded, all her satanic powers fleeing as she ran to find her bubble.

"Well that was…interesting…" Peter mused to himself.

"Hey Peter? Why hasn't anything happened in this chapter?" Lucy asked him, bouncing over to where he lay sprawled in the grass, attempting to recover.

"I don't know. Maybe the whole castle-not-being-here-thing ruined the whole scene."

"That SUCKS! I wanted to be a queen! You hear me? A QUEEN!" Lucy stamped her foot and began to have a tantrum.

All of a sudden, the rest of the extras appeared. They were supposed to be there all along, but someone had inconveniently slipped laxatives in their coffee.

Tumnus was among them, although he was a little worse for the wear, if you know what I mean. After battering the tree for hours upon hours to no avail, his prosthetic nose had flattened, revealing the real one and the sexy actor beneath.

"Hello, I'm James McAvoy. I am sexy, I have a sexy Scottish accent and I am sexy." He wasn't particularly known for his intelligence, but that didn't matter. As soon as this vast sexiness was revealed in all of its glory, some very important things were suddenly brought into light.

One was the fact the entire Narnia set was actually filmed on a rope bridge over a black hole of blackness that could suck every living thing into it, destroying the world and all the people in it as well as the entire animal population and the rocks, the majestic rocks which would succumb to chaos and turn into the abyss of death. The set creators should be highly praised for their creativity as they fought to survive on such a deadly place.

The second great revelation was nothing relevant to the actual story. It was just that one of the authors, Raven, had knocked Lucy out and was cosplaying as the youngest Pevensie just so she could glomp James McAvoy.

iheartmwpp was pissed in that she was restrained from glomping Remus Lupin when he appeared in the story. She immediately began to shred Raven's giraffe, her dearest life companion. The result was disastrous. Raven would later succumb to severe depression and admit herself to a mental hospital.

"Finally!" iheartmwpp cried as she continued to write the chapter, after securely chaining Remus to a pipe in her basement.

Meanwhile, James McAvoy was trying to crown the next kings and queens of Narnia. Unfortunately, he didn't know where to start, seeing as Edmund and Peter were still writhing in pain on the ground, Lucy was actually Raven and was currently wrapped in a straitjacket in a padded room somewhere in Fiji, and Susan was recovering from becoming Satan, and otherwise just standing around being useless. As always.

James was rather confused as to what to do. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do. He took all the crowns, which were actually fuzzy socks, and placed them on his head, declaring himself the dictator of Narnia.

However, his plans were never to come true. Edmund recognized one of the socks (the hot pink one with orange and red stripes on it) as his beloved Dally. He forgot that Dally had died in the very first chapter, so he did not hesitate to tackle James and steal his prized sock. He wept when he remembered the awful truth.

iheartmwpp stopped. She didn't know how to continue with the story. The characters were not cooperating and she realized she really needed some insanity to back her up. So, she daringly rescued Raven from the mental hospital, risking her own life in the process; she had to swim through a giant vat of liquified ham, fight against a bunch of ninja sheep trained in the art of the Really Cool Funky Turquoise Agate Stones, and watch two consecutive episodes of _One Piece_. It was torture. Once she finally released Raven and all she got for her trouble were endless demands for chocolate, she wondered why they were friends.

Once Raven was reinstated as co-authoress and not crazy, insane mental patient (although she still was and continued to talk to herself in incoherent French and Japanese mutterings and iheartmwpp had the asylum on speed-dial) she got the story underway.

Suddenly, all that had happened was forgotten. James put the socks on their respective heads, making the audience cheer as they looked upon the new rulers of Narnia, not realizing how eternally screwed they were.

As part of their coronation, it was custom to get stomped on by a giant cow. Hey, it was promised in Chapter 24, so it had to happen. The throne place was called Cow Power after all!

A giant cow descended from the clouds and squashed the new kings and queens flat so they looked like happy pancakes that weren't very pleased that their faces were now in their belly buttons.

Aslan stood up proudly to declare the titles of the Pevensies as they settled on their respective thrones…which were actually flat rocks that were covered in spider webs and other goo-ish materials.

"From that little pebble in the brook to that other little pebble in the brook which is actually only a millimeter away, I give you Queen Lucy, the Psychotic.

"From all the chamber pots across Narnia, I give you King Edmund, the Perverted.

"From that amoeba farm to…well, just the amoeba farm, I give you Queen Susan, the Useless.

"And to that random snowman in a bikini, I give you King Peter, that…guy…"

The Pevensies glanced at one another, not exactly satisfied with their titles.

Aslan clapped his paws together. "Well, that about settles it. The rest of Narnia is mine…MINE I SAY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

As he laughed, a sudden thought occurred to him. He turned to the snowman in the corner.

"How the hell are you existing? I thought all the snow melted!"

The snowman shrugged. "Because I'm _cool_ like that. Get it? Cool? Because I'm made of snow? Get it? Yes? No? Maybe? Lobster?"

Aslan pushed the snowman off the cliff.

"Now I'm not the ruler of anything!" Peter whined.

"Well, I'm the ruler of chamber pots!" Edmund pointed out.

"At least you rule something!" Peter pouted.

Aslan cleared his throat gruffly. "Once a king or queen of Narnia, always a king or queen of Narnia. Unless they are murdered, assassinated, smothered, choked, disemboweled, stoned, drowned, otherwise mutilated past the point of recognition, burnt to a crisp, dragged by a horse, decapitated by blunt objects, thrown off a cliff, eaten by rabid monkeys, having seizures/concussions/pencils to the eye/pineapples to the groin etc. Sovereignty is not for everyone. Minor side effects may include nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, itching, chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ring worm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, gonorrhea, diarrhea, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammer toe, the shanks, low sperm count, wart floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, warts, uni-brow, lazy eye, fruit fly, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction. Extreme side effects include itchy watery eyes, anal seepage, random explosions, and death. Sovereignty is nonrefundable."

"Wait, what was that?" Peter spoke up.

"Just the fine print! I mean, nothing!" Aslan replied sweetly.


	41. Spay And Neuter Your Friends

**Disclaimer: **We do not own _The Chronicles of Narnia, _James McAvoy,_ Harry Potter, _the _Don't Worry Be Happy _song, C. S. Lewis, or _Naruto: The Abridged Series._

Chapter 41: Remember To Spay And Neuter Your Friends.

"La lalala la-ti-da-ti-du-ti-do-ti-de-ti…something. If I touch this water, my organs will shrivel and die! _Shrivel and die_! Oh, I am friends with myself! _Friends with myself!_" Aslan sang merrily to himself as he desperately side-stepped the waves lapping on the beach.

Raven frowned as she paused in midst of writing. "Wait a second, how can Aslan be allergic to water? He walked through snow and rain before and didn't blow up then," she pointed out.

iheartmwpp rolled her eyes. "He didn't come into the movie until the snow was melted, dumbass!"

"But he got flushed down the toilet and didn't die!"

"Oh…yeah…Well, maybe he's allergic to the salt in the water. It's kind of an ocean, you see."

Raven scoffed. "Yeah, but Susan and Lucy had to pour salt in their eyes on his back. They can't have been perfectly precise to not spill any granules onto his fur!"

iheartmwpp shrugged. "Wait, why are we trying to be logical about this? I mean, it's a freakin' Narnia parody!"

"Good point. BLAHEFIalnKJDHLOVNKERUHnvuiderliudlfnlsidufjlNKCUODENRTOIRGUIILIKEEGGSNVOIDFnlvidrslkincdogijsdojgcookiesnmovifdjlsNOCUISDHGTLMKNVOSIDHnkicsjoiakLEAFOEIAFBAJLEmlakjfoieabnleALKEJI!!"

iheartmwpp agreed.

Meanwhile, Lucy was dangling from the giant cow's nostril. It was the throne of Cow Power after all, so it came with its own lifetime supply of giant cows and moose. Moose are just cool, so that's why they were there.

Suddenly, Tumnus, or rather James McAvoy, dropped beside Lucy. As of yet, no one knows exactly how.

Lucy screamed. "AHH! What are you doing? How did you get there? You're covered in cow mucus…"

"You are too!" James shot back.

"Actually, that's my dress."

"…oh…" He cleared his throat. "So anyways, what's up?"

"I'm hanging from a cow's nostril. I don't know why or how, but I am. And might I just add that I hate the authoresses?" Lucy spat.

"I know how you feel," James sympathized. "They made me a stupid idiot! I'm really not _that_ dumb! Oh, here's your handkerchief by the way." James let go of the cow's nostril to grab the hanky from his pocket only to abruptly plunge to his death.

Lucy stared after him.

"That was bitterly ironic," she thought to herself.

From up above in the cow's ear came Peter's satisfied laughter. "Now I am the sexiest of them all!" he declared haughtily.

Just to mess with Peter, the authoresses decided to use their ultimate powers to bring James back from the dead for no explainable reason. He appeared before them all on a very large rock.

"Hey, have any of you seen my son? Black hair, green eyes, lightning scar on the forehead and an inexplicable desire to save everyone on the entire planet? Hmm?"

"Um…who are you?" Susan asked from her position on the cow's horn.

"I'm a stag of course!"

"Don't you mean 'stud'?"

"Well, yes. Actually, I'm both. I also happen to be James Potter and I'm the coolest person ever so GET OVER IT!"

Susan tried to glomp him.

"Oh, did I mention that I'm a zombie?"

"Yay!" Susan glomped him harder. She often fell for the zombie types.

"_And_ I'm married and we had a son," he added.

Susan pulled away and promptly killed him with her laser vision.

Severus Snape appeared to mutilate the corpse.

The Pevensies stared at him.

"What?" Snape demanded. No one said a word as he activated a time portal and returned to his own fairy-world with James's body in tow.

The real James (McAvoy) appeared and began talking as if nothing had happened. "Anyways, don't worry about Aslan. Don't worry, be happy! _Oooooooooooohohooo Oohohohohooooooohohoho_!"

"That song won't be written for several decades," Lucy commented.

James huffed. "It's a good song! It'll be written…EVENTUALLY! So about Aslan, one day he'll be here and the next he won't."

"So he'll either be here or Apparate away?"

"STOP THE HARRY POTTER REFERENCES!!" James shrieked.

Lucy blinked at him innocently. "What's Harry Potter?"

James fainted.

"Harry Potter's the best thing in the world!" a random fan burst out as they streaked across the screen. It was later revealed to be iheartmwpp. She was instantly impounded and spayed. How that would prevent her from streaking in the future was unknown.

Lucy's eyebrows flew into the sky and got hit by airplanes which instantly began to frown.

"Why are there airplanes in Narnia?" asked a random male faun. He was immediately neutered.

James revived himself and continued to speak to Lucy. "But you mustn't grill him. Trust me, he tastes like crap. Completely overpowers any flavorings you might want to add. After all, he's not a tame lion." James waggled his eyebrows suggestively at the nine-year-old, cracking a whip with his left hand.

"Are you trying to seduce me, buttface?"

"You used a naughty word! Bad girl! Go to my room!" James scolded. Lucy pouted.

In the distance, Aslan suddenly exploded. Lucy and James began to cry as they disappeared off the set.

Then, there was a SUNSET! AN EVIL SUNSET!! MUKAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

"Why didn't I say anything in this chapter?" Edmund whined.

"There," said Peter dryly. "You just did. Besides, who said anything about you being a main character?"

"Um, C. S. Lewis? You know, the original author? HELLO??"

"Shut. The _hell_ up. You fuzz bag."

_A/N: __iheartmwpp:__ (sniffs) Why? Why did you spay me? Now I can't have babies!_

_Raven:__ Well, your babies would've been hideous anyway. I'm just saving them from their inevitable future torment._

_iheartmwpp:__ You're so mean! (gets out hatchet and starts hacking off random limbs; crashes ensue and then comes a thump as a body hits the floor.)_

_Raven:__ Wow. Steve just walked in at a really bad time. He had such a bright future, too. Hey Kelly, why did we kill him?_

_iheartmwpp:__ (shrugs) The hatchet told me to. _

_Raven:__ Oh. Okay. (mutters) Who's the insane one now? (takes out cell phone and calls the asylum)_

_iheartmwpp:__ (is impounded and spayed…again) I'm gonna kill you all!_

_Raven:__ (is eating Steve) I wonder who I should take to the prom now?_

_iheartmwpp:__ He's supposed to be my date! (struggles to escape but is injected with happiness) Dah… (drools)_

_Raven:__ Ah, revenge is sweet._


	42. El Chapître, Dattebayo!

**Disclaimer:** We own nothing from _Death Note_, _Rurouni Kenshin_, _Naruto_, _DBZ Movie Dead Zone Abridged_, or _Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Movie_.

Chapter 42: El Chapître, Dattebayo!

"PRETTY SUNSET!! IT'S PRETTY, SEE? LOOK AT THE PRETTINESS! ALL THE COLORS ARE PRETTY AND PRETTY AND THEY'RE…PRETTIFUL!!!" Raven screamed maniacally.

iheartmwpp rolled her eyes as she drowned herself in sake that was actually water. Both authoresses were beyond the point of help, especially after watching the Death Note movie where death happened to be a predominant theme.

Meanwhile, back in Narnia, stuff was happening. Somehow, in the span of approximately 2.87954312560 seconds, the Pevensie children aged about ten years. Peter had become a crotchety old fart who had lost all desire to live after he attained his first wrinkle at the ripe old age of 17 years old. His life was already half over, and now that his perfection was gone, he had nothing left to live for.

"Pourquoi est-ce que je suis trop moche? Pourquoi est-ce que je dois suffrir? Je veux mourir! Je veux me tuer!" Peter ranted.

"De accuerdo, mi hermano. Escribirá tu nombre en mi cuaderno de muerte," Susan calmly assured him.

"Dattebayo! Sumimasen! Gozario! Kakashi! Arigatou gozaimasu! Itachi! Doitashimashite! Konbanwa! Iruka! Hajimemashite! Kisa! Ohayo gozaimasu! Nani? Konnichiwa! Doushite? Oyasumi! Shinigami! Onegaishimasu! Kami! Sempai! Wakarimashita! Hentai! Youkai! Bijuu! Tsuki! Yondaime! Kage! Watashi wa ano hito desu! Daisuki! Kokoro! Kyuubi! Shishou! Inu! Ichibi! Ookami! Yumemiru! Chibi! Katana! Genki? Sensei! Keki! Yuki! Maou! Heika! Daijoubu? Neko! Itadakimasu! Baka! Jinchuuriki!" Edmund inserted randomly. (_A/N: iheartmwpp: That's almost all the Japanese Raven and I collectively know…it's a bit sad, really…)_

"Wow…Edmund, you don't know Japanese at all…" Lucy commented, wondering why her family had suddenly become multicultural.

"Nihon-go desu," muttered Edmund.

"How did you learn those random words anyway?"

Edmund shrugged. "Anime."

Lucy nodded knowingly. "Ah. That makes sense."

"¿Por qué puedo hablar en español?" Susan cried frantically.

"Ça, c'est une bonne question, mon petit-chou," Peter added.

"Hai!" Edmund yelled.

"Tais-toi, Edmund. Je te déteste."

"¡Es demasiado irritante!

"WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING LANGUAGES THAT I SOMEHOW UNDERSTAND???" Lucy interrupted fiercely.

"Wakarimasen," Edmund said thoughtfully.

"Je ne sais pas," Peter echoed sadly.

"A mi tambien, no sé," added Susan.

"And what the heck does Jinchuuriki mean anyway, Edmund?" asked Lucy upon reflection.

"_Jinchuuriki is my name. I like to play the Jinchuuriki game…_" sang Edmund.

"…uh…huh…"

The Pevensies grew quiet for once in their lives. They forgot completely what they were supposed to be doing in the movie.

It was at that time that William Moseley, Anna Poppelwell, Skandar Keynes and Georgie Henley came to laugh at the actors that were portraying their characters in the future. They had a grand old time before the giant flying potato that had been Aslan's stunt double after turning into such a beast came and took revenge for getting cut out of the movie. It basically squished them all. The end.

_A/N: Raven: Raise your hand if you actually understood some of the languages! Okay, put your hands down, there's no one there, why the hell did you just raise your hands? Did you enjoy the insertion of my language obsession? Not bad though, eh? I've got French the best, then Spanish and barely Japanese…I know very little of the latter…I was wondering if you people are interested in the translation…even if you aren't, here it is!_

_"Why am I so ugly? Why do I have to suffer? I want to die! I want to kill myself!" Peter ranted._

_"Okay, my brother. I will write your name in my notebook of death," Susan calmly assured him._

_"Believe it! I'm sorry! That it is! Scarecrow! Thank you very much! Weasel! Your welcome! Good evening! Dolphin! Nice to meet you! Shark! Good morning! What? Hello! Why? Good night! Death god! Please! God! Upperclassman! I understand! Porn/pervert! Demon! Tailed beast! Moon! Fourth! Shadow! My name is that person! I really like you! Heart! Nine-tailed! Master! Dog! One-tailed! Wolf! I dream! Small! Sword! How cute! How are you? Teacher! Cake! Snow! Demon King! Your Majesty! Are you okay? Cat! Thank you for this food! Idiot/stupid! Jinchuuriki!" Edmund inserted randomly. _

_Then, skipping a few lines:_

_"Why can I speak Spanish?" Susan cried frantically._

_"That's a good question, my dear little cabbage head (literally!)" Peter added._

_"Yes!" Edmund yelled._

_"Shut up, Edmund. I hate you."_

_"You are so annoying!"_

_Then they all say 'I don't know' in their respective languages. _

_Wow. That was long and pointless. Oh well! Let's get to the real chapter!_

The end.

_A/N: Raven: Just kidding._

_iheartmwpp: I'M OUT OF SAKE!!! (falls down and passes out)_

_Raven: (shakes head) Passed out drunk again._

Peter's cape billowed gloriously as he and his horse leapt over a fallen log. Susan and Lucy were close behind. It was the annual Edmund-Hunting Festival, an event that the Pevensies rather enjoyed except for Edmund. He didn't really enjoy being chased around and then gutted like a pig. Actually, it was his clones that were gutted like pigs, but there was once a mess-up and the real Edmund disappeared…

Anyway, they were having a wonderful time running through the forest. Edmund panted as he tried to stay out of reach of his cannibalistic siblings.

Finally, the strain was too much and he had to stop. The rest of the Pevensies gathered around him and laughed at his stupidity.

"Why do you get horses and I don't?" Edmund moaned, out of breath.

"Because we're awesome," Susan answered.

"I know how many toes a fish has," Lucy added.

"Curse you all," Edmund muttered under his breath.

Susan eyed him haughtily. "Come on Ed! It's more fun when we stab you from behind while running!"

Lucy spoke up. "What did he say back at the castle, Susan?"

"He said, 'Please don't hurt me.'"

This prompted them all to chuckle merrily.

Peter abruptly noticed something next to Edmund. His eyes widened as he went and began to suck on what appeared to be a flashlight covered in tapioca pudding. "It seems familiar," he garbled.

The others came to goggle at it.

Susan added, "As if from a dream."

"Or a dream of a dream," Lucy echoed in wonder.

"Or a dream of a dream of a dream."

"Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream."

"Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream."

"Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream."

"Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream."

"Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream."

"Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream."

"Or maybe it was from a nightmare…" Edmund countered.

"Or a nightmare of a nightmare."

"Or a nightmare of a nightmare of a nightmare."

"Or a nightmare of a nightmare of a nightmare of a nightmare."

"Or a nightmare of a nightmare of a nightmare of a nightmare of a nightmare."

"Okay, you guys seriously need to stop," Edmund said.

"SQUARE BROOM!" Lucy interjected.

Peter scoffed. "Well that came out of nowhere."

Lucy began to jump up and down excitedly clapping her hands together.

Peter sighed. "Good thing I packed my handy-dandy poison dart thrower!"

"Uh, Peter…that's your handy-dandy Death Note."

"Oh, well…same thing." Peter took out a pen and began to write Lucy's name.

"No! You can't kill our sister, because she's going to die! And then she'll be dead! Because you killed her!" Susan exclaimed.

"When has death stopped anyone in this parody?"

"Hmm…good point."

"Hi everybody!" the Bitch cried as she appeared beside Edmund.

"Hi evil bitch!" they responded in kind.

"What are you doing here? Didn't we kill you ten plus years ago?" Edmund whined, frightened.

"Yes. I'm just here for the irony. I'll be going now. Bye!"

"No wait, come back! We have to have a flashback chapter!" Susan called after her.

"Oh yeah!" The Bitch came running back and they all assumed wistful, reminiscing expressions.

"Hey Susan? Remember that time when, instead of summoning a bottle of water, you ended up summoning a giant blob of death?"

"Yeah, that was rather deathly."

"Deathly Hallows?"

"Oh _HELL_ NO!!"

Edmund spoke up. "Remember when someone killed Mary Sue in the battle?"

"Didn't she get spiked by a trident?"

"It was kind of trident-y."

Susan glared at Edmund. "Stop trying to act cool by copying everything I say."

"Okay. I will stop trying to act cool by copying everything you say."

"Good."

"Good."

"Anyway,--"

"Anyway,--"

"Hey Edmund?"

"Hey…me? I mean, what?"

"BOOT TO THE HEAD!"

Edmund was knocked unconscious.

By this time, Lucy had joined their little circle to add some of her memories.

"Hey Susan, weren't you Satan once?"

"Mm-hmm. Good times."

"And weren't you defeated by the same turtle that Peter stabbed in the back in chapter 21?"

Susan's eyes immediately glowed red as smoke burst from her ears. Lucy backed away in fear.

"There are muffin trees in muffin land and the muffins grow on the trees and you can pick the muffins and then there are muffins that fall down from the trees because they are leaf muffins and then there are muffins that can fly because they have wings because they are muffins that can fly and they make muffin lairs for their muffin children."

Peter glanced at Edmund oddly. "Um…okay then."

"Hey, guess what?" Lucy spoke up.

"What?" Susan answered.

"The movie's almost over!"

"El gasp! It cannot be! How will I make money now???" Susan cried in horror.

"Wait, we're getting paid to do this?" asked Edmund.

"Why don't you two shut up," interjected Lucy, "I'm trying to announce the contest!"

"What contest?" asked Peter.

"The one that Kelly and Kelly just thought of twenty seconds ago because they don't feel like typing anymore today."

"Hold on a second. Who are Kelly and Kelly?"

"You know, iheartmwpp and Raven?"

"AHH!!!! THAT MEANS THEY'RE HERE!!"

Susan gave Peter a look. "Um, they're writing this, flamingo face."

"THEY CONTROL OUR VERY EXISTENCE!!" Peter continued.

"No, that's C.S. Lewis."

"But isn't he dead?"

All of a sudden, the set went dark and there was the happy sound of some terrible grinding machine and the happy screams of those getting impaled. When the lights came back on, the scene revealed a blender making a potato milkshake. The screaming had occurred because no one likes potato milkshakes. Due to this, the characters had left in disgust.

"Ah, that's better," Raven sighed. "They just kept rambling on like stupid annoying rambling…things…"

"Wow…we DO have an obsession with potatoes…" iheartmwpp mused aloud.

"Yes, well, we have control now so all is well. Now we have to announce the contest!"

"Oh, son of a fuck nut."

"What was that for?"

"I don't know. It's a funny exclamation."

"Wait, you're funny? That's impossible!"

"I WILL CHUCK YOUR BABIES ACROSS A FOOTBALL FIELD!" iheartmwpp stated, eyes bulging.

"Hehe…yes, now what was I saying? Oh, right. The contest. Anyway, we're getting near the end but we don't want to finish quite so soon! In order to stay alive, we're going to insert some chapters that are basically memories of the Pevensies. We will incorporate ANYTHING you reviewers want us to! Although, it kind of has to be funny and/or random, because that's what we're all about!"

"I can count all the way up to bananahundred!"

"See what I mean?"

iheartmwpp smiled. "So, these are reminiscing times for our dear characters. If you have any ideas, please review! Also, we will be sure to include anything you've already suggested that hasn't already yet been a part of the story. Speaking of which, thank you CoriOreo for killing off Mary-Sue and The Flying Orangutan of DOOM for the whole "turtle battling Satan" thing. 'Twas rather amusing."

"If you guys don't have ideas, just send us your dreams like before! Dreams are always weird and pretty funny occasionally!"

"So, yes, review and send us your thoughts! That way, Narnia will never end!"

"But, iheartmwpp…it _will_ end…right?"

"NOOOOOOO! NEVERRRRRRRRR!!"

"Heh, _someone's_ in denial…"

All of a sudden, the lights dimmed and there came a sound of cheerful music bubbling out of hidden speakers. When the lights came back on, Raven lay in an array of pieces due to the happy song known for triggering iheartmwpp's schizophrenic rages.

"HA!!! FOOLED YOU!!" iheartmwpp then went on to live the life of a hitokiri, killing everyone in her path with her rusty and bloodstained katana.

They all lived happily ever after. Except for the people that died, because they couldn't really 'live' happily.

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Never play "I Got You Babe" in front of me. And yes, I actually _do _own a katana, though it's not actually rusty _or _bloodstained…yet…_


	43. FLASHBACK NO JUTSU!

_A/N: iheartmwpp: So it seems that no one really understood what we were trying to say at the end of the last chapter._

_Raven: I don't really see how no one could've misunderstood it; we just said to come up with random stuff to include in the next chapter._

_iheartmwpp: Yeah, but Eragon Is Mine is the only person who came up with anything. CoriOreo even thought it was completely over!_

_Raven: Well, maybe people just skimmed the last bit or something._

_iheartmwpp: Why would they do that?_

_Raven: (shrugs) They probably don't like it when we talk nsivnaeorhas;dfh._

_iheartmwpp: Well they better pay attention _this_ time around…(licks her lipstick peeler, a malicious glint in her eye)_

**Disclaimer: **We don't own anything from the movie that this entire parody's been about, _Naruto, Naruto: The Abridged Series,_ _Charlie the Unicorn, They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard, _the _You Are a Pirate_ song, _Avatar: The Abridged Series, Finding Nemo,_ a bunch of games from Square Enix,_ Monty Python, _or any of the dreams and ideas that came from other people. Those came from other people. Namely Evil Riggs, The Flying Orangutan of DOOM, Schmo and Sushi, Soul Stance, CoriOreo, and Eragon Is Mine.

Chapter 43: Flashback No Jutsu!

Scene:

A vast, flat alkali desert. Heat pulses from the packed white sand in rippling waves. Overhead, the naked sun stares down in baleful judgment. The liquid horizon shimmers like molten glass. A two-lane highway, cracked and pitted with age, splits the desert in twain.

On the highway's shoulder is a single sagging cardboard box. On the box is a single perfect watermelon. On the watermelon are drops and streamers of cool moisture.

Out of the distance, a throaty roar! A thunderous clunk-a-clunk cacophony shudders from the horizon! A shape emerges triumphant from the wavering mirage!

A beat-ass white panel van tears down the broken highway. Its paint is peeling; its windshield is cracked; its tires are bald; its undercarriage is spotted with salt-licked patches of rust. The vehicle screams toward the watermelon and then skids to a howling stop beside it. The chugging engine cuts out with a wheezy mechanical sigh. Along the van's side door are words, spray-painted in red, looping script:

P.O.R.N. S.T.A.N.K.

The side door - and P.O.R.N. S.T.A.N.K. with it - slides open. Out of the darkness hops a gigantic man in faded jeans and a sweat-soaked tank top. His bald head glistens. His shirt bulges uncomfortably against the 'roid rage hilltops of his muscles. His tiny eyes dart to the watermelon.

He smiles.

The man reaches a tree trunk arm back into the van, revealing a shoulder tattoo - MASTIFF. It returns with a heavy machine gun, dangling a glittering belt of sharp ammunition. The big man grins as he levels the weapon at the watermelon.

A moment passes. The air smells of salt and hot ashes.

He pulls the trigger. A cannonade of sound! A brilliant explosion of green and red and black!

"Ah-hahahaha! HAHAHAHAHA!" His laughter roars over the gunfire.

Disintegration! Frappe! The watermelon splatters into mush on mush, coating the blacktop and soaking into the dry hardpan. The big man continues to fire until the ammunition is gone and the highway is littered with casings. His grin twitches, he spins back around, and disappears into the hot dark of the van's belly. P.O.R.N. S.T.A.N.K. slides back into place.

The van speeds off into the distance.

(This is a rough approximation of Evil Riggs's opinion of this story.)

"Wow…" Edmund drooled. "I have no idea what just happened."

"You're telling me!" Peter agreed. "Even the authoresses have no clue what this means."

iheartmwpp scratched her chin, wishing she had a goatee to stroke in thought. "I think that the watermelon symbolizes the story that C. S. Lewis originally came up with, and it's in the desert to show that great works of genius can appear even in the most desolate of places. The guy with the tattoo is probably us, and it shows how we have utterly destroyed this magnificent work of art. The fact that he (or she, the profile doesn't say) never reviewed again or even contacted us after we asked what it meant further proves how much he doesn't like it."

"Yeah…well you failed the analysis of poetry in English class. How can you do it on stories if you can't do it on poetry?" Raven pointed out acidly.

"You know what? I don't know why we even hang out anymore."

"Because you're my bestest friend ever?"

"No."

"Because you have no one else to obsess about Anime with?"

"…yes."

"Ah-ha!" Raven cried out in success. She was immediately silenced by a pumpkin to the eyebrow.

"That's what you get!" iheartmwpp laughed evilly, wondering if the readers were paying attention now so she could throw more pumpkins at them if they weren't. Yes, she was indeed the pumpkin-wielding master. Therefore, pay attention to what you are reading.

"I'm kinda scared," Edmund admitted, trembling.

"You're always scared," Susan commented acidly.

"True. But I'm more scareded than everest!"

"Why can't you speak English?" Peter wondered as he observed a snail on his forehead.

"Isn't Everest a mountain?" Lucy questioned.

Edmund jumped up and down excitedly. "Yes! And it's the bestest mountain in the world!"

"Hey, mountains have feelings, too, you know!" shouted the nearest mountain that was actually iheartmwpp.

Raven raised her eyebrow. "Kelly, I think you've been eating too much holiday food."

"What? It's yummy!"

"Yes, but just look at you! You're a mountain!"

"Stop reminding me of that! I'm really sensitive here! You're making me cry!" iheartmwpp cried as avalanches rolled down her sides.

"How can you be crying? You're a mountain! You don't have any eyes!"

"Just take me home."

"…how can I do that? You're kind of a mountain."

"You are terribly cruel. Fine! I will walk."

"You. Are. A mountain. You don't have—"

"Let's just stop this. On to the next memory!" iheartmwpp interrupted as the scene thankfully ended when a pride of moles ravaged the granary.

"Wait, we have a granary?"

"Oh just get on with it!"

The Pevensies and the Bitch were having a flashback party and Naruto wasn't invited, which pissed him off to no end considering the amount of flashbacks his show has.

Hey, wanna have a flashback of what just happened thirteen seconds ago? Well, the Pevensies and the Bitch were having a flashback party. Are you paying attention now? How about now? Well, it all started a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

"FLASHBACK NO JUTSU!" shouted Edmund, making hand signs with his hands. Hence them being called hand signs.

"Ed, stop flicking the readers off!" scolded Peter.

"Stop interrupting my flashback!" retorted Edmund.

_Edmund was sleeping in the doghouse after his bed disappeared. He was curled up in a little ball sucking his thumb and dreaming of Richard Hampton teaching geometry. His peaceful little bubble was abruptly shattered by a monsoon. The water built up so much that the entire doghouse was lifted off the ground and carried downstream._

_Edmund shook himself awake. Frowning, he glanced out of his little home to see that he was floating away on a mad torrent of water._

"_Hmm. That's different," he mused aloud as he grabbed his trusty bag of Doritos and began to munch on them contentedly._

_All of a sudden, a herd of moles swam up before him, bearing on their backs his brother, Peter, in a coconut bra and a grass skirt. _

"_Hmm. That's not very different," Edmund said to himself._

_That's when he heard the cry of what could only be a pterodactyl swooping low about to devour him. "Oh crap!" he yelled as he fished in his pockets for a pterodactyl's only weakness: Fish sticks. Wielding a crispy stick in his hand, Edmund successfully warded away the extinct carnivore, which instead directed its attention to Peter and ate him in one gulp._

"_Hmm. That's interesting."_

_Edmund then decided to think about his future without his annoying older brother. You aren't paying any attention to this story at all, are you? He could see himself being the man of the family. This meant that he could finally do what he wanted: Have a lava fight! Of course, that was slightly impossible due to the excessive flooding, but he could wait._

_He opened his eyes and sat up so fast he hit his head on the doghouse roof._

"_Ow!" he cried in pain as he squinted in the darkness. "Only a dream…" he murmured sadly._

_That was when he noticed the gaggle of moles sewing together a quilt in the backyard._

_He cocked his head._

"_Huh. Quilting."_

_It was at that point in his life that Edmund lost all connection to reality. Well, even more so than before._

"When the hell did _that_ happen?" cried Susan incredulously.

Her brother shrugged.

"My turn!" Lucy squeed. "FLASHBACK NO JUTSU!" she shouted, making hand signs with her toenails.

_Lucy continued walking backwards, until 74 hours later she felt a snow-covered branch. She turned around…and found herself in a forest in the middle of winter._

"_Wow, it's like a giant wedding cake except not at all," she observed, walking even further into the woods and looking back on occasion to make sure that she could still smell the wardrobe._

_She stopped to munch on a cracker she found in her sock and immediately choked upon it, as she hadn't realized that she couldn't eat whilst chewing. Stop skimming, gosh darn it farfignoogen! As she choked, she thought she saw a bright light at the end of a long tunnel, but it turned out to be what looked like a giant flashlight. Though she didn't know it, all of the cats in Narnia, including Aslan, sweatdropped. Who knew that newborn kittens or God could sweatdrop?_

"And that was how I killed Mr. Tumnus with a banana," concluded Lucy.

"I was wondering where he went," commented Susan.

"OOO! OOO! Me next!" said Peter excitedly.

"Sigh," sighed his siblings. "Fine."

"Yays! FLASHBACK NO JUTSU!" he bellowed, making several hand signs with his armpit hairs.

_After he had been dubbed Sir Peter Octopus-Bane, Peter decided to find a nice spot to rest. He was extremely tired from hitting all those frogs back into Maugrim's mouth, after all._

_What he hadn't counted on, however, was Aslan and Oreius coming to interrupt his nap._

"_Heeeeey, Peteeer, hey Peter, wake up," said Oreius._

"_Yeah, Peter, you silly sleepyhead, wake uuuuup," added Aslan._

_Peter groaned as he awoke. "Oh God, you guys," he muttered drowsily. "This better be pretty freakin' important. Did Susan sell her soul to Satan again?"_

"_Nooo, Peteer. We found a map to Candy Mountain," answered Oreius. "Candy Mountain, Peter."_

"_Yeah, Peter," said Aslan. "We're going to Candy Mountaaaaiiiiin. Come with us, Peteeer."_

"_Yeah, Peteeer. It'll be an adventuuuuure. We're going on an adventuuuure, Peteer."_

_Peter stared blankly at them, wondering why they sounded so stoned. (They had been snorting mushrooms.)_

"_Yeah, Candy Mountain, right," mumbled Peter. "I'm just gonna, you know, go back to sleep now."_

"_Nooooo, Peter," said Oreius, doing a flip and jumping up and down repeatedly on Peter's back. "You have to come with us to Candy Mountaaiin."_

"_Yeah, Peter," said Aslan. "Candy Mountaaaaiiiinnnn. It's a land of sweets and joy and joyness—"_

"_Please stop bouncing on me," said Peter in a muffled voice, his spine snapped in sixteen different places._

"_Candy Mountainnn, Peetteerr!" cried Oreius giddily._

"_Yeah, Candy Mounnttaaiinn!" continued Aslan._

"_All right, fine, I'll go with you to Candy Mountain!" shouted Peter, getting up slowly and brushing his intestines off his shirt._

"_The hobbits the hobbits the hobbits the hobbits to Isengard! To Isengard! The hobbits the hobbits the hobbits the hobbits to Isengard! To Isengard! The hobbits the hobbits the hobbits the hobbits to Isengard! To Isengard! They're taking the hobbits to Isengard! Gard, ga-ga-ga-gard," sang Oreius and Aslan together as they led Peter through the forest._

"_Enough with the singing already!" yelled Peter, annoyed._

_Oreius turned back to him, saying, "Our first stop is over there, Peteer."_

"_Oh God, what is that?" Peter asked, stopping with the other two and staring at the sight before him._

"_It's a liopleurodon, Peter," replied Oreius._

"_A magical liopleurodon," confirmed Aslan._

"_It's gonna guide our way to Candy Mountain."_

"_All right, guys, you do know that there's no actual Candy Mountain, right?" asked Peter hesitantly, hoping that the morons he had been following at least knew that much._

"_Shun the non-believer," replied Oreius matter-of-factly. "Shuuun."_

"_Shuuuuuuuun," added Aslan._

"_Shuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnaaa."_

"…_yeah," said Peter, slapping himself._

_Later…_

"_It's just across this bridge, Peter," said Oreius._

"_This magical bridge, of hope and wonder," said Aslan._

"_Is anyone else, like, getting covered in splinters?" questioned Peter, despite the fact that he was wearing armored shoes. "Seriously, guys, we shouldn't be on this thing."_

"_Peeeettteeerrr," said Oreius, "Peeeettteeerrr, Peeeettteeerrr, Pee—"_

"_I'm right here, what do you want?!"_

"_We're on a bridge, Peter!"_

_Peter cut off his arm again._

"_We're heeeerrre," said Aslan, some time later._

"_Well, what do you know, there actually is a Candy Mountain," said Peter, staring._

"_Go inside the Candy Mountain Cave, Peteer," ordered Aslan._

"_Yeah, Peter, go inside the cave," said Oreius. "Magical wonders are to behold when you enter."_

"_Yeah, uh, thanks but no thanks," said Peter, backing away, "I'm gonna stay out here."_

"_But you have to enter the Candy Mountain Candy Cave, Peeter!"_

_Suddenly, a bunch of pirates came flying out of the cave._

"_Do what you want cuz a pirate is free, you are a pirate!" the pirates sang. "Yar har, fiddle dee dee, being a pirate is alright to me! Do what you want cuz a pirate is free, you are a pirate! Yar har, fiddle dee dee, being a pirate is alright to me! Do what you want cuz a pirate is free, you are a pirate!" Lol Limewire!_

"_All right, fine!" yelled Peter, fed up with the song. "I'll go into the frickin' Candy Cave. This had better be good," he added as an afterthought as he went into the cave._

_Aslan and Oreius laughed._

"_Good-bye, Peter," said Oreius._

"_Yeah, good-bye, Peter," said Aslan._

"_Good-bye?" repeated Peter, puzzled as a stone suddenly sealed the cave shut. "What the—" He was then knocked unconscious._

"And when I came to, I realized that they took my freakin' gall bladder."

"My God!" cried his two youngest siblings.

"It's okay, I grew another one," Peter reassured them.

"Not you!" shouted Lucy, chucking a bookcase at Peter's abdomen. "Susan's manipulating the story in her Flashback No Jutsu."

"I didn't even know we could do that," exclaimed Edmund.

"Meh, she probably only can because she's sold her soul so many times."

"Good point."

Meanwhile…

_Susan/Satan promptly kicked him in his happy place._

_Peter sank to the ground, in terrible agony._

"_I need those to make babies!" he croaked weakly._

_Susan/Satan smiled at him patiently. "No you don't. You're asexual, remember?"_

_Brightening immediately, Peter sat up._

"_Oh yeah!" he exclaimed, before beginning to multiply and sending little micro-Peters scurrying across the battlefield, giggling madly._

"MUAUAUAUAHAHAHAHUAUAUAUAHAHAHAHA!" Susan laughed maniacally.

"Hey, what are you laughing at? Dally's dead!" Edmund cried, abruptly recalling the sock that had died in the first chapter.

"Wow, Ed. It only took you, what, P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney to remember Dally existed?" Lucy brought up snidely.

"Wait, who are you again?" Edmund wondered aloud. Then, he shrugged. "Oh well. It doesn't matter anymore. I have a new friend! Hello Mr. Potato!"

"Ed, that's a rock," Peter pointed out.

"Shut up! You're just jealous that I have a new friend and we're going to have the bestest time together!" Ed retorted as he skipped away, his friend Mr. Potato in hand.

"Let's play video games!" he declared. He then proceeded to jump over fallen logs, punch random enemies and collect coins. "Hey, where are my experience points?" he yelled after defeating a giant inchworm in Battoujutsu and not leveling up. "Where did they go?"

"Edmund, we're not actually in a video game," said Peter, eyeing his brother strangely.

"Must…collect…all…the…COINZ!!" Edmund cried, ignoring his brother as he rammed into random objects in search of his precious money. "I need those to buy THINGIES!!"

Suddenly, victory music was sounded. "Congratulations. You win 40 bazillion points," came an announcer's voice. Edmund looked in horror as Mr. Potato grew to level 720,472,510,563,837,403,710,347,450,473,037,847,889,798,719,837,490,128,364 really REALLY big number.

"Wow," Edmund mouthed.

"That is one mighty spud," Lucy commented.

Mr. Potato suddenly grew into a forty-story building. Glaring down on the Pevensies, he drew to his full height.

"Now worship me! Bow to me!" he demanded.

"Why would we bow to a potato?" Susan asked aloud.

"When Aslan was a potato, you listened to him!" Mr. Potato whined.

"Yes, but we knew he was Aslan."

"So if I changed my name to Aslan, you would adore me as your god?"

"Um…no."

"But why not?"

"Because potatoes are bad for growing onions. I once planted a potato, and it grew into a potato, but I wanted an onion."

"Then why didn't you just plant an onion?"

"I don't like onions."

"You don't make any sense!" Mr. Potato yelled in utter perplexity. In his rage, he suddenly sent a fireball out of his eye and killed a passing flock of moles in his spud-like spudness spudidity.

"NOOO!" Edmund screamed as he whipped out a PS2 controller. "Heal! Heal! Heal!" he said, his pleas punctuated with his mashing of the buttons. When he finally gave up, he looked to his siblings for help. "Anyone got an Ether? A Phoenix Down? A high potion? ANYTHING??"

"I have apple juice!" Lucy stated proudly. Her face fell. "But I drank it all…"

Peter spoke up. "And I have Pepto-Bismol!" He held up a bottle. "Yay Pepto-Bismol!"

"Wait, wait, wait! If you're going to do it right, then start from the beginning," Susan reprimanded them.

The Pevensies and Mr. Potato formed a line and did the lovely dance.

"Heartburn, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!" they sang as they interpreted the lyrics with odd movements. The chapter then decided to end on account of overwhelming stupidity. More brain cells were killed than necessary but this didn't apply to the readers who STOPPED READING!!! Of course, they wouldn't be called readers anymore because they stopped reading…let's just call them platypusbears.

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Wow. We have issues._

_Raven: I agree completely. 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42!! BEWARE THE NUMBERS!!!_

_iheartmwpp: (quoting Helena Bonham Carter in two different movies) Nothing's gonna harm you…not while I'm around…I killed Sirius Black!_

_Raven: I like potatoes._

_iheartmwpp: We use potatoes far too much as jokes in this story._

_Raven: Hey? Guess what?_

_iheartmwpp: What?_

_Raven: Potato!_

_iheartmwpp: Haha…that was a good one. Original yet classic._

_Raven: My cabbages!_

_iheartmwpp: This author's note has no coherent train of thought!_

_Raven: Burma!_

_iheartmwpp: What'd you say Burma for?_

_Raven: I panicked._

_iheartmwpp: Oh, intercourse the penguin! _

_Raven: Exactly._


	44. Do You Cultivate Greasy Tadpoles?

**Disclaimer:** We own nothing from either _Chronicles of Narnia_, the _Lord of the Rings_, _Fullmetal Alchemist_, _Pinocchio_,_Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series_, _Bleach_, or _Hamlet_ and our crazy awesome reviewer _Eragon Is Mine._

Chapter 44: Do You Cultivate Greasy Tadpoles?

Peter, Edmund, Susan and Lucy were still in their older forms near the Flashlight in Narnia and were still standing around doing nothing except having flashbacks.

Speaking of which…

"Remember the time Susan's hair turned into cheese?" Lucy spoke up excitedly.

"Yeah. We ate macaroni-and-Susan-hair for a month after that," Peter sighed wistfully. "That was some good 'eatins." He rubbed his stomach as saliva drooled from his mouth in remembrance. Suddenly, he retched violently. "I'm still hacking up cheeseballs from that!" he choked as he spat out a gross wad of cheese and hair.

His siblings immediately shied away from him.

"You stupid idiots made me bald!" Susan declared, pouting and fingering her long tresses of rat fur. "I had to buy this awful wig from the Lord of the Ring's set and it smells like rats! And disease! And sugarplums!"

Edmund raised an eyebrow as he regarded his sister strangely.

"I hate sugarplums!" Susan screeched, frothing angrily.

"Hey, Ed?" Lucy asked.

"Yeah?"

"Is Susan rabid again?"

"I'm afraid so. Now where's that can-opener I used to stop it before?"

"Didn't you shove it in Peter's brain?"

Edmund looked at his elder brother who was still salivating out of his ears. "Oh yeah. Hmm…"

Peter abruptly snapped out of his brain-dead stupor and jogged over to Edmund.

"Remember when I told you that the window above your bed was candy glass?" he asked, clapping his brother hard on the back.

Edmund fell forward onto his face with the force of Peter's smack.

"Ow!" he moaned. Then he turned and glanced up at Peter. "Wait, the glass really wasn't candy? That would explain why I've been coughing up blood for the last three decades and why I have massive internal damage to my internal organs!"

"At least your external organs weren't damaged," Susan commented.

"Actually, they were," Peter pointed out, smiling snidely. "Ed was so eager for the candy that he crashed through the window on the second floor and landed on the ground."

"Oh yeah! I remember that! That was when I died!" Edmund exclaimed happily.

"Wait," Lucy spoke up, frowning, "if you died, then how are you here right now?"

Edmund's smile dimmed. "I…don't know," he confessed.

"Let's just say that homunculi come in handy sometimes," Peter whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Wait, you mean I'm not real? I'm made of sticks and stones and words that will never hurt me?" he whimpered.

"That's riiiiiiight!" Peter stated with a grin.

Edmund was downcast. "But…but…I wanna be a real boy!"

"Sorry, Ed. You can't. And that line's copyrighted."

"Okay. Well, I wanna be a genuine human being!"

"Not gonna happen. Get over it."

Edmund pouted and stomped off-screen to have a tantrum.

Susan suddenly cocked her head. "Aren't we really like twenty years old? And we're still acting like kids?"

"I'm eighteen!" Lucy cried, holding up eighteen fingers.

Peter made a face. "Wow, Lu. That was freaky as hell."

"I'm a Mutant Ninja Turtle!"

"When did that happen?" Peter demanded.

"When I met Mr. Mouse Man. You know, that mouse that can talk and is a ninja master? Apparently he's from Narnia."

"That surprisingly makes a lot of sense," Peter surmised to himself.

"Let's go teach Mr. Tumnus how to bungee jump!" Lucy burst out.

"Okay!" Peter agreed.

They instantly exited the scene, leaving Susan and Edmund behind.

Peter and Lucy tromped to Mr. Tumnus's house and discovered him breeding some monkeys. When he saw the Pevensies approaching, he quickly removed his finger from his nose and shoved it in his pocket.

"Hehe…what do you want?" he demanded, fixing them an evil glare.

"We want to go bungee jumping!" Lucy answered, skipping in circles around him.

"WHAT??" Tumnus thundered, spitting chocolate out of his nose. _(A/N: In real life, it almost did happen to iheartmwpp…scary…)_

"That's what I said. Only I spit starburst phlegm," Peter said, nodding knowingly._(A/N: And that almost happened to iheartmwpp's mom. Spitting out random things must run in the family)._

Before Tumnus could argue, there was a scene change and they were flying in an airplane. He stood at the door and glanced down at the heaving ground thousands of miles below and felt sick.

"Guys…lemme down!" he whimpered, his lower lip quivering. "Pleeeasse? I have so much left to live for! My goal is to kick every tree in Narnia and—"

"You look a little pale. Here, let me help you," Lucy interrupted as she pushed Tumnus out of the plane. He immediately plummeted through the sky, screaming all the way.

"Hey Lucy? You were supposed to give him a parachute," Peter pointed out.

Lucy was thoughtful as she stroked her mustache. "Yes, that would've been better… But wait! I know how to help him!" Lucy removed a jug of apple juice from her belly button, uncapped it and spilled its contents out of the plane.

"What was the point of that?"

"It's magical apple juice! Now made with lint! It can bring Mr. Tumnus back!"

On the ground, Tumnus was writhing in horrible agony when a gallon of apple juice splashed onto his head.

"Oh for Christ's sake!" he exploded. Literally.

Peter and Lucy noticed the random mushroom cloud and decided not to question it.

The scene changed again and the four Pevensies were back to the original scene next to the flashlight.

"How was your little escapade?" Edmund asked jealously after having tantrumed himself out.

"It was great! Mr. Tumnus flew! And then…fell to his death…"

"Oh, so the faun gets to have all the fun, does he?" Edmund retorted angrily. "Well I can have fun too! Like talking to this horrid beaver-looking thing!"

"I'm not a beaver! I'm Lucy Pevensie!"

"WAHHH???!!!" exclaimed the original Pevensies in unison.

"Imposter!" Lucy accused, pointing her finger to the fat girl with an overbite and a brown bowl-cut hairdo.

"No, no really!" the overweight girl explained. "I'm Lucy Pevensie from the 1989 version of the Chronicles of Narnia!"

The Pevensies regarded their badly-acting 1989 counterparts in shock. Behind Lucy was a red-haired, freckly Edmund followed by a blond, pretty Susan and a remarkably young Peter.

"Hey, that can't be me!" Peter yelled as he glared at his counterpart. "You look younger than all the others and you're supposed to be the oldest! I mean look, your Edmund is freakin' taller than you!"

"I can't help that I have a boyish, cute, young face and no sign of ever maturing!" the other Peter answered violently, rattling his plastic scabbard menacingly.

The other Edmund looked thoughtful. "I don't know if I should be meeting myself," he thought aloud as he suddenly doubled himself and began talking to himself.

The Edmund we know and love had an odd expression. "Why is he talking to himself? What, that second him is supposed to be his conscience? That's stupid!" When no one was listening, he grumbled to himself, "I wish that _my_ conscience was real so I could have a friendly friend!"

Brown Susan regarded blond Susan. Blond Susan regarded brown Susan. Simultaneously, they cried, "Yay, we're totally ineffectual!"

Brown Susan grew sad. "Why is our character useless in both movies?"

Blond Susan shrugged. "C.S. Lewis had something against us, I suppose. Let's go shopping!"

"Okay!"

Meanwhile, Lucy was backing away in fear from her counterpart's menacing teeth.

"Mr. Tumnus!" her counterpart exclaimed randomly.

Lucy cowered. "You're not Lucy. You're…you're…CHOMPY!! Run for your lives!" she warned her siblings as she stumbled backward and was amazed to find the Bitch.

"Bitch! Save me!" Lucy cried. Then she paused. "Hey, where did you come from?"

"I've been here the entire time but no one has cared to mention me!!" the Bitch screamed. "And save you? I would rather kill you. I think I'll wait for my counterpart though. Then we can kill you together."

All of a sudden, the 1989 Bitch appeared, resplendent in her long, icicle dress, a ten foot icicle crown, crazy over-acting and brown hair. Not icicle hair, brown hair. She kind of broke the pattern.

Anyway…

"Hey, Bitch!" the Bitch yelled to her counterpart.

The old Bitch raised an eyebrow. "How DARE you!!" she cried, opening her mouth wider than humanly possible. It was then revealed that her mouth was actually a wind tunnel that sucked every little thing into it. However, only the newer Bitch was sucked into her older self's mouth.

"Wow, that was an odd turn of events," commented Lucy dryly.

All of a sudden, horrid beasts appeared. They were men…in ANIMAL SUITS!!!! AHHHH!!!! It was revealed that they were actually the animals in the old Narnia movie. Yes, be very afraid.

"Why, hello there!" the man playing a six-foot tall Mr. Beaver introduced, flailing his pathetically stubby arms.

"RAWR!!" growled the man pretending to play Maugrim. Since he was human though, he sounded like a platypus stuffed into a sock.

"DALLY!" Edmund cried upon mentioning of the sock. He then recalled that Dally was dead and began to cry.

The red-haired Edmund regarded his future self with disdain.

"Um, you suck," he and his conscience (?) said together.

"AHHAHA!!" the old yet young-ish Peter cried defiantly, raising his plastic sword. "We are truly stronger than all of you! We fought in a great battle you know!"

Blond Susan raised her eyebrows. "Actually, their battle was way better than ours. If you watched the movie, you would realize that."

"Uh…well, we fought like twelve people! And there were cartoon animals that we attacked but in reality we were just slashing at the air…"

"And Aslan could fly!" Chompy spoke up, guffawing rather unpleasantly.

The Pevensies from the new Narnia cringed.

"So, how many are you?" the older Bitch demanded, trying to remain upright even though her ten-foot crown made her rather top heavy.

"What are you talking about?" Peter asked. Yes, the beautiful older version of William of course.

"Well, in total, there are ten of us including you," Susan answered.

"One, seventeen, eighty-five, pi…FOUR???" the older Bitch yelled with her amazing counting abilities.

"Pie? Where?" Chompy asked.

"Your Lucy's fat!" Edmund yelled at the other Peter, trying to defend his family for some reason.

"Well, at least I have a sword!" the young Peter retorted angrily.

"I do too!" the Peter from our beloved Narnia responded, holding up his glistening blade…which he immediately plunged through his gut.

"Now who gave him an actual sword?" Susan asked, rolling her eyes.

Chompy laughed maniacally.

"My teeth told me to KILL THINGS!!"

"AHHH!!" everyone screamed.

"Quick! There's only one way to stop her!" our dear skinny Lucy cried out. "Everyone, now!"

Simultaneously, all the cast in the general vicinity crossed their arms over their chest and laughed, "Bwaaahahahahahahahaahaa!"

Chompy was instantly overcome with stupidity and her breasteses began to explode.

"Not the breasteses of Chompy!" one of the Susans shouted. A great shaking rocked the stage and it appeared that the studio was about to collapse.

Then, over the loudspeaker came a calm voice.

"Attention everyone. In order to ensure your safety, please walk to the nearest exit. Thank you!"

"What if I don't want to walk?" the new Edmund called. "Why can't we rampage in panicked hordes?"

And that's what happened. Everyone panicked and rampaged in hordes out of the exits. For the new cast of Narnia, the wardrobe was the nearest exit. Edmund, Lucy and Susan, who were dragging Peter's body, stumbled through the wardrobe and emerged on the other side. They all fell to the ground and immediately realized that they had essentially gone back in time and were now young again.

Susan felt her chest.

"My boobs are gone!" she screeched.

"And so is my mustache!" Lucy sobbed brokenly.

Peter sat up.

"Wow. That was crazy. I dreamed that we encountered some man-beavers and then—"

"Don't you mean werewolf-beavers?" Edmund wondered aloud.

"Therewolf-beavers!" the brothers agreed, shuddering.

Suddenly, they all looked up at the professor, who had entered the room through a fire hydrant.

"I am old and fat!" the professor declared.

Meanwhile, Lucy was licking the floor.

"The floor tastes like fried magnifying goats!" she announced.

"AHHHHHHH! Who are you and why are you molesting my wa-wa?"

"Your 'wa-wa'?" Peter repeated.

"Oh yeah, the wardrobe and I go wayyyyyy back. She likes being called wa-wa. Speaking of which, I'm old and fat!"

"You already said that, sir," Susan pointed out.

"Ah, well you are a hoe-bag. I shall rake thine eyes!"

"NANI???" Lucy cried as her tongue caught on a splinter.

"Anyway, why were you molesting my wa-wa again? You never really answered my question," the professor spoke up.

"Stuff," Peter replied.

"What kind of stuff?"

"Stuffy stuff."

"Ah, the kind that smells like creamed corn?"

"No, the kind that enjoys eye-suckling."

"Sounds fun."

"It was."

"How bout that, then."

"Yup."

"Indeed."

"So, the movie's over, huh?"

"Not quite," the professor laughed evilly as he picked up the bowling ball Edmund had knocked through the window and chucked it at Edmund's head, splintering his skull.

"Oh, I am slain!" Edmund moaned, clutching his spinal cord as he commenced writhing and dying.

Everyone clapped and laughed, pointing at him and generally enjoying themselves.

"That's all folks!" Lucy cried as she danced around Edmund's corpse.

"Except it's not, really. There will still be more…" Raven spoke up.

"Yup. We got the ending song parodies to do and then the epilogue clip thingy with the professor and Lucy!" iheartmwpp added giddily.

"Don't be so excited," Raven commanded as she revved her zanpakutou.

"Shut up or I will send my evil plushies of doom after you!" iheartmwpp warned.

"Wait, why am I here?" a lion plushy named Kon demanded. "Oh well. Look! A bird! A plane! **Death.** Well, I'm off to hit the juicebox! Now where's that jug? Oh look! On the side it says that it is lethal to drink. Wonder what that means? Oh well! Belly's up! Wow...don't feel so good...Why is Jesus flashing neon? WHY ARE SCARECROWS EATING MY EYES? Oh, holy blood. I like cheese. BOOBIES!" With that, Kon exited the movie on Bawabawa. Who, just for your information, was a gigantic deathly caterpillar.

iheartmwpp sweat dropped.

"Yeah…Well, anyway, it is getting really close to the end of this, so you might want to look into _Blarg_…especially since I'm revamping the whole thing to make it slightly more legible…"

"Wow, this is truly a pathetic excuse of advertising," commented Raven snidely.

"Yeah, but it's the first fic we wrote together, doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Why would it? I hate you."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now I'm melting! Huh…It's weird being goo…"

"Yay verily. Well, I'm off to roast some toast with peanut jelly!"

"And I'm going to go digest some quartz!"

"I hope that doesn't shred your innards!"

"Why's that?"

"Because I love entrails!"

"YAY ENTRAILS!" the two psychopaths cried together.

And then the chapter committed suicide.


	45. Credits: Can't Eat That Pin

_A/N: It might be more fun if you get a hold of the soundtrack from somewhere and actually listen to _Can't Take It In _while reading this, it'll probably be funnier that way…was for us at any rate…_

Can't close my eyes…

They're super-glued…

Every hair on my body…

Has been ripped out by hot wax…

Oh empty my bowels,

I've got to make room for this pancake,

It's so much fatter than me…

OH NOOOO!!!

I'm a banshee…Anymore caviar?

I can't eat that pin.

You lack hatred…

You suck a lot…

Kitties are furry…

And oranges are not…

Unless they're moldy,

In which case it's not safe to eat them,

Or you'll probably die…

OOHHH NOOOOOOOOO!! (add ululations)

That man has fleas…anyone scared to death?

I vacuum trees…let us all munch on leaves!

I really need gin…

LAAAAAAA OHHHHHHH!

Got kicked in the shin…

OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

**I REALLY NEED GIN!!**

WAHHHHHH!!!

(…extremely long bridge marred by numerous unintelligible noises…)

I like split peas…but not in my underwear…

What a story! You should read and review!

Can you take a hint?

Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die…

More that I guffaw…

More than I ever upchucked…

DIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

More that I wish death…

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

So hideous…

_A/N: Raven: What a fun song! Fun, fun, fun, fun pickles!_

_iheartmwpp: Yes. Pickles. I do like me some pickles._

_Raven: Are you going to eat that piece of carnage?_

_iheartmwpp: My carnage! STAY AWAY!!_

_Raven: Someone should probably stop you from killing people._

_iheartmwpp: But it's so much fun!_

_Raven: I'm afraid this has gone on long enough. Okay, bring it in._

_(Random guy): Here. (mutters) I don't get paid enough for this..._

_Raven: Excellent. Now DIEEEE!!1!!!1!!!one!!!!_

_iheartmwpp: ...Why are you munching on that pillow? _

_Raven: I was hungry and feathers taste good in my peanut butter. I like peanut butter. AND RITZ CRACKERS!!!_

_iheartwmpp: ...Yeah...So, in case anyone cares, we're obviously making fun of even the credits in this movie. _

_Raven: Everything in this movie will be BOMBASTED! LAMPOONED! MADE FUN OF FOREVERRRR!!_

_iheartmwpp: Nothing is spared our sick, sadistic, twisted, ironic, melancholy, meretricious, orange, star-shaped, bright, evil yet happy, bunny-like, flooding humor. NOTHING!!_


	46. Blenderkind and FIN!

Chapter 46: Blenderkind And FIN!!

Oh treacherous cliff

Walk backwards off of you

Yell ridiculous swears into the air

How did this happen?

Oh yeah I remember…

That butterfly's gonna get a foot in the ass!

I lactate butter for all kinds of random centipedes

I am a wunderkind ohwowoh

What does that even mean?

Can someone come to explain it?

I ingest cyanide and it don't affect…what?

Destined to bleed…

Destined to poke…

_A/N: Eh…screw that…we don't feel like doing anymore parodies on the songs (especially since Raven doesn't really like the rest of them…) So now we'll continue with the end scene during the credits…so it'll FINALLY BE DONE!! MUAHAHAHAA!!_

**Disclaimer:** I eat AP students for breakfast, because I have a tyrannosaurus rex in my English class.

WARDROBE ROOM!! DARKNESS!! Pretty great scene description, actually.

All of a sudden, Lucy fell out of the ceiling. She waved goodbye to her orphan friends (whom she had just ridden upon to get to the spare room) and attempted to dislodge a giant plank of wood from her back that had embedded itself there due to her hard landing. Once she managed to rip it out with only slightly massive tissue damage, she set her sights on the wardrobe. Unfortunately, she had lost some blood and was a bit woozy, causing her to think the wardrobe was a giant cupcake. She went over to it and began to lick it desperately, hoping to alleviate her pain with a huge amount of sugar. Because that always works.

"I don't think you'll be able to get in that way," came a voice. Lucy spun around and noticed the professor sitting on the windowsill, propped up on his eyeballs.

Lucy frowned.

"Sir, isn't that physically impossible?"

The professor thought for a moment.

"Ah...what?"

"Well, now you lack eyesight because dogs consumed it while bathing in a pool of boiling gelatin," she commented idly.

"Yes, indeed, said the professor, nodding at her wisdom. "Knock knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Banana!"

"Banana who?"

"My cat has a door on its head!"

"Does it lead to Narnia?" Lucy asked hopefully. "Wait, you have a cat?"

"The door leads to a diner where you can digest some high quality quartz. Hope it doesn't shred your innards, even though I do love me some entrails!"

"Professor, I missed you in the many months the authors took to update!"

"Really? Do I know you?"

"Um…I don't know. Where am I? Who am I? Why do I have a craving for ham?"

The professor interrupted her with lines from the actual script which he had been using for toilet paper.

"FOR NARNIA AND FOR ASLAN!!"

"That was many chapters ago," Lucy pointed out, "And that was Peter's line, not yours."

"Look at my fur! You could've given me ten minutes warning!"

Lucy raised an elbow. "Since when do you have fur? Why are you reading Mrs. Beaver's lines?"

"I don't know! I'm crazy! CRAZY I TELLS YA!!" The professor then proceeded to ram a unicycle down his throat after setting it on fire. "Wow, fire is really hot!"

"Really?" Lucy spoke up, wanting to test her own swallowing of flaming objects. She decided to practice with an emu that also fell from the ceiling after riding some orphans. The result was, needless to say, catastrophic and forever afterward would be remembered as the Day of Burning Emus.

Then, as if this entire thing hadn't happened, the professor miraculously remembered his real lines.

"You see, I've already tried bracket to get into Narnia end bracket."

"Will we ever go back to Narnia?"

"Ever heard of sequels, home skillet? The second movie's coming out on Friday for Acid-Crack-Potato's sake!"

"That sounds like a deadly combination."

"Oh, it is. Believe me, I've died many times trying to perfect it."

"That doesn't make sense, sir."

"You know what doesn't make sense? Your face!!"

"So, about going to Narnia now?"

The professor's eyes widened. "I just said, Friday! All the same, best to keep your kneecaps sewn together!"

"Wouldn't that completely obliterate my ability to walk correctly?"

"Only a lot. But it'd be funny as hell! Here, let me show you what kind of thread to use…"

The professor gently crushed Lucy's hand in his as he dragged her away, kicking and screaming. Behind them, the wardrobe creaked open and a volley of pies issued forth, splattering all the readers' faces with lemons, strawberries, pies, cranberry marshmallows, potatoes, mold, potatoes, porn, potatoes, gravy and salmon salmonella, ice cream mixed with potatoes, potato casseroles with potato peelings, potato skins with potato filling (which is essentially a potato), orphans, cats and their cradles, spoons that are too big, bananas with high-pitched voices, lightbulbs, and potatoes. Did we mention potatoes?

"Mmm…porn pies!" Edmund drooled.

Aslan meowed and it was DONE!! FIN!!

"Wait, why does it say fin? Is it referring to fish or something?" Susan brought up.

"I'm William Moseley! Although compared to the new guy playing Caspian, I'm less hot …Man, that makes me depressed. I'm going to go fry my face in a waffle iron."

"That'll give you a new look," Susan remarked flippantly.

"Hey, let's skip into that sunset over there!" Edmund spoke up eagerly. The Pevensies rejoined their sister and the professor and, hand-in-nostril, they skipped into the setting sun. And then they all exploded and the world ended. Because we said so.

THE END!! The craziness has finally ceased! Parenthesis for now end parenthesis. Cue insane laughter here.

_A/N: Raven: So, that's it. Hope you enjoyed our randomness! And due to actual (never finishes sentence)_

_iheartmwpp:_ _And we finished perfectly on time too; a week before the next movie was set to come out! Yay us for having cool timing!_

_Raven: It's not cool. You're not cool. I'm going to go fry an egg._

_iheartmwpp: For your hamster?_

_Raven: Nope. For my twig monster of twigs. _

_iheartmwpp: I don't get it…_

_Raven: That's because you can't hope to comprehend the intense, psychological component behind the art of fostering randomness. _

_iheartmwpp: I talk English gooder, fastly!_

_Raven: Exactly my point. Oh, and to our fans, thanks for reviewing!_

_iheartmwpp: That's kind of a hint: REVIEW!!_

_Raven: I was thanking those in the past who supported us, dumbo. _

_iheartmwpp: Hey, my ears are normal-sized! They're only two feet in diameter!_

_Raven: And just to let everyone know, we won't be parodying Prince Caspian._

_iheartmwpp: We're going to go see it when it comes out in theaters, but that'll be it!_

_Raven: Shockingly, we're going to college next year, so it'll be too late by the time the movie comes out on DVD. We'll actually have lives then, I hope…_

_iheartmwpp: I won't! YAY!!_

_Raven: And that, my friends, is a wrap._

_iheartmwpp: A sandwich wrap?_

_Raven: Go stick your face in a blender. _

_iheartmwpp: Aww, you're so nice to me._

_Raven: I can't believe it's over now! I mean it. Right now. This second. Done. Stop typing!! NOOOOOOOO!!_

_iheartmwpp: Hey, I started this fic, I wanna say the last thing! (clears throat) The last thing! Okay, I'm done! Bye everybody!_

_Haha, she didn't get to say the last thing! This is really the last thing: a special thanks to all our reviewers! Oh, and if you don't get what we said to you in the parentheses, we're referring to your reviews._

Black Moon White Sun (Our first reviewer!)

JediMan (Our first flame-ish thing…sorry we were bitches)

pinkpenguin363 (To answer your question if we're going to continue it…well, we have…)

marieken (randomness does the rule, mate)

GwenStacy (be careful with your twitching)

rue (our second flame-ish thingy…it just makes us laugh, really)

FallenAgain (parodies kick ass!)

Caity (Roflmao! Thanks!)

emokid001 (Dude, we made more chapters!)

RainbowWerewolf (Yay inside jokes!)

mad-sugar-but-sweet (CAPS LOCK RULES!!)

ReviewsGalore (Umm…thank you?)

TheFlyingOrangutanofDOOM (Crazy cool dream, mate, and your name is AWESOME!)

Mythical Sorceress (Yes, we're freaks, but so are you for reading this story! And we mean that in a good way)

Mandz 3 (YAY! Myspace! We're flattered; thanks!)

That guy who just put their e-mail address (who is awesome beyond words, and yes, it was from the Emperor's New Groove)

Miss-EvilKanevil (Sorry for not including "smells like teen spirit!" We love you anyways and hope you love us! Sorry I was about to write "Even though you reek pleasantly." My mind's kinda crazy these days)

the1hobbit (Ok, thanks for trying!)

Terra (Glad you liked it!)

i have The OCd (WOOHOO YOU ROCK!)

FantasyFan5 (Who's your friend? Anyways, glad you liked it, too!)

Death2DeadBeats (So, how's the nuthouse you live in? We'll probably join you there soon enough!)

Evil Riggs (What. The. Hell. Question mark. But okay…that's cool I guess…)

rainflower (Candy mountain, Charlie! Glad you liked it!)

The Lady Badger (Thank you for the smiley! Glad you liked it and the actual movie too!)

PippinBaggins (We know poor C.S. Lewis is turning in his grave, but that was kind of the point…lol you should see some of the things other people write about!)

Willowcookie (Hi Grace!)

Leance (Hopefully this is a cheesy-enough ending for you, lol! Glad you liked it!)

Smartalec93 (Sorry we finished mate, but please don't kill us, lol!)

M&M (I like candy. Oh, and did you finish dying yet?)

ShockAndAwe (ASTONISHMENT AND GASP!! Yes, insanity is fun indeed!)

Anonymoose (Hehe…moose…and nice smiley! And Harry Potter does sadly rule the world…)

Me (Not us…seriously)

Dawn (see you at school! Hello!)

I Am The Master of The Wicket (Yes, you are the master of the wicket. Thanks so much!)

darthwannabe33 (Thanks for correcting our terrible Spanish, mi amigo/amiga…)

Joe and Kevin Jonas fan (Crazy-ass memories! Thanks!)

Princess Lucy (The girl who played Lucy DID look like a beaver in a dress! Luckily the new movie's a million times better, eh?)

Dasey Must Happen (Our last new reviewer! Here, have a thumb tack and thanks so much!)

_And a very special thanks to our mostly-constants, those who have inspired us, dealt with our insanity and lived, and were fueled by our hilarity. To you, we give a big special box of special stuffy stuff! Good times, guys, good times!_

Narnian magic, islington bus no. 199, CoriOreo, Le Pain Perdu, Schmo and Sushi, Emiko87, Soul Stance

_**And the potato gallantly galloped through the forest to save the guacamole and chocolate sauce, and they lived happily ever after in a giant washing machine. The end.**_

POTATOES RULE!!

Meow.


	47. SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISEMENT!

_A/N: from Raven: _Hey everyone! This little update is for those of you who want to continue reading the madness and insanity that plagues my and iheartmwpp's minds. Basically, we lied to you all in saying that we wouldn't parody Prince Caspian…because we saw it, loved it, and then proceeded to make fun of it in the same random manner. We just posted the first chapter of Prince Crap in a Can, so you should go check it out and review it! Yup; we're already demanding more reviews. Now it is up to you to either listen to us or to conserve the few brain cells you have left. DO IT NOW AND DIE!!

Thank you...AND DIE!

Hamster jelly. *cue explosion*

One more thing—we'd like to give you amazing reviewers a special chance to be a part of the story! Feel free to submit any random thing you want us to include, and we promise to put it in either the next chapter or later chapters in the story!

Purple hairy monkeys. *cue second explosion...this one is just for fun, of course*


End file.
